Fear of Death!

As you know, I was a Master Chief Gunner's Mate in the United States Navy.  After that I was a Navy Civil Servant, first as a Tech Rep for Navy Gun Mounts and Turrets and later in management of technical assists for Search Radars and other electrons sensors.  I did many dangerous, exciting things that most men can only dream of.  Some things I did are features in movies and video games.  So what you say?   Well, in the beginning of my career, when I was a young Gunner's Mate, gun mounts frightened me!  Here I was in a large Navy Gun that fired 40 rounds a minute of 5" ammo, each round weighting 75 pounds, propelled by a powder tank weighing 44 pounds.  Again, 40 rounds per minute!!!  When things went bad, they went bad fast!!  I saw live, explosive projectiles have their nose fuze ripped off!  Propelling charges crushed and spilled all over the gun pocket.  Guns fail to fire with the gun barrel hot though to cook off the explosive charge!!

Then, a very good friend of mine was killed, during combat operations in Vietnam, in a MK 42 Gun Mount!  I had to make a decision then to continue my Navy career, without fear, or get out!  I stayed and I was never frightened of death on a Navy ship again.   Death on a Navy ship, would come swiftly, explosively, and quickly.  I knew that and that type of death does not cause eke fear of distress.

But, what I am facing now, is something I have not come to terms with.  When Red Mills was killed, everything became clear to me.  But, now, slowly dieting everyday, nothing is clear to me!!  Instead, like I was when I was a young Gunner's Mate on my first ship, I am frightened, unsure of myself, unsure elf the unknown.  My body is slowly dying and I know that.  My brain is deteriorating, loosing control of my bodily functions and emotional responses.    And it is the slow steady, unrelenting approach of death that is more frightening than the sudden death caused by combat or training.   I have no control of anything.  What I do will not change anything.   am being overwhelmed by Lewy Body Dementia and I hate it.  I hate it because I am afraid.  The unknown is always unnerving.

I believe this is an emotion I have not expressed before on this blog.  And, maybe never out loud either.  It does not help me to express these fears.  But it may explain my recent issues.

Nights are still very difficult

Since I started the Effexor withdrawal, nights have been the most difficult time for me.  I have had some nights when I felt pretty good.  The electric zapping in my in brain was all but gone.  The pressurized feeling in my head had subsided also.  But, the last couple of nights, these issues have returned along with extreme depression and anxiety.   From what I have read, this is normal for those of us who choose to stop Effexor.  Some of what I have read, written by doctors and hospitals that know, tell me I may not succeed in this effort.  I would be devastated by that failure, even though it would not be totally my fault.  Effexor is a dangerous, powerful drug, that is extremely addictive.  It rewires the brain in ways science still does not understand!  Yet, they still prescribe it!  

Last night I felt so bad that I was seriously considering going back on Effexor or another anti-depressant drug, to help me cope.   But, right now, I still have some fight left.

One of the side effects that made me want to get off Effexor was the lack of emotions.  Getting off of Effexor has given me back my emotions.   But, since I did not have any emotions for such a long time, how long I cannot remember, dealing with emotions anew, is a challenge.  Yesterday, a staff member of ACTS, made a comment that plucked a nerve in me.  That individual made a comment that "I should not be walking with a cane.  I looked too health to need a cane!"  Well, that fired me up and I flame sprayed that individual.  I asked that person where they got their medical degree at?  I asked them if they were licensed in Florida to practice neurology?   Yes, I was angry.  Two neurologists and a physical therapist recommended I use a cane.  Seems like a no brainer!!  But, that individual thought they knew better.  I bet that person never talks to me again.

The moral of this story is two fold.  First of all;  I am emotionally raw.  My experience with LBD and my view that I do not have long to live, has stripped me of social skills.  The second part of the story is, individuals that work with senior citizens should learn to keep their opinions in their pocket!!

Again, nights suck!!  My days have not been all that good either.  And maybe, where  I am in my LBD journey will make stopping Effexor or a drug like Effexor, is impossible!    Only time will tell.  And when I know, you will too.

Future doubts

When I was younger, and I went to bed, I  knew I was going to wake up in the morning!  I had plans, things I wanted and needed to do!  And don't tell me, you never felt that way because all of us did!  Now, when I go to bed, I have no assurance I will wake up in this world.  Truthfully, many times I hope I will NOT wake up in this world!  I now have no plans and nothing that I need to do.  Instead, all I can see is things and decisions that I messed up!!  Decisions I made wrong, things I wasted money  and time on, and people I hurt.  I see my sins and failures, not my accomplishments or successes!  As a matter of fact, based on the perspective I have now, I can't see anything I did of value.

Yes, hind sight IS 20/20!  It is always easier to judge what you did after it was done.  But, looking back at my life, I am not satisfied with my accomplishments.  I find no value in what I did in my life.  Why, because everything I stood for is being denigrated and trashed by the people I spent 40 years defending.  The people that I considered to be the slackers, the takers, the crooks, and the immoral ones are now touted as the "Greatest, Moral, Brave" ones!  Why did I spend countless years away from my family, doing what the leaders of America said I had to do, to be pissed on now!  Based on the conversations I have with the "Landed Gentry" I live around, I am worthless, never had any worth, and should not be allowed to exist, in America as they, the Landed Gentry, have engineered it to be.

I am also very concerned about the financial decisions I made concerning my Wife's future.  I hope we made the financially responsible decisions that ensure my Wife's financial security after I die.  Yes, ACTS has a program to meet the needs of residents that run out of money, if that was not their fault.  But, I still worry.  And that worry consumes me and robs me of any satisfaction in life.

Life is not as I thought it would be at this age.  I guess I was wrong about that too.

Impact of Effexor withdrawal

Well, it has been 7 or 8 weeks since I started the draw down from Effexor.  The side effects of doing away with Effexor have subsided somewhat.  The "Electric-zapping on my brain has diminished as well as the pressurized feeling.  I am more emotional that I was when I was on Effexor.  That is good, since I hated being a Zombie.   I do cry at the drop of a hat and for no apparent reason.  Not a big "JAG" of crying, but tears and emotional release just the same.  I now cry every time I think of the death of Marcel or Charrie!!  I miss both of them.  And, while on Effexor I was completely impotent, I am regaining sexual function again.  Another good thing.   (Although, my Wife might tell you I am a bit of a pest right now.)  But I am happy.

I am more introverted and more introspective than I was on Effexor.  I am sleeping well and I am not taking naps!  Those two may be connected, but I do not feel the need for a nap right now.

One thing that has surfaced in spades;  My unhappiness with living in Florida.  I have no Surface Navy friends and no Church friends.  I am as alone, socially, as if I lived in solitary confinement.  Yes, there are people her to talk to.  People I have nothing in common with, who have no respect for my life's experiences, and see no value in me because I was an Enlisted man.  I might as well be invisible. I have stopped playing billiards because there is no fellowship there.  Socially, I would be much better in Virginia.  Long term care considerations make this the place I will stay.  But, I am not happy about that.  But, my happiness is not any one's concern.

Being a Effexor Zombie had it's benefits, but I like being connected to my emotions.  So, I will just have to find a way to deal with the negative issues.  Just the same, I am confident that I did the right thing getting rid of Effexor.  More later;

Quality of life vs Length of Life

I have suffered for over seven weeks as I withdraw from Effexor.  That journey has been documented on this site and is well documented on the Internet with academic papers from MAYO Clinic.  The reason I decided to get off Effexor was some very negative side effects that made my life worse than life without the drug.  The truth is, we have no control over the length of our life.  God determined the length of our life before we were formed in our Mother's womb! (Psalm 139)  But, we can have an impact on the quality of our life.

How, diet, exercise, following our Doctor's advice, not smoking, not abusing alcohol or drugs, and paying attention to our bodies reaction to the drugs we take!  Then, openly communicating the issues we face with our families and Doctors.  Every drug we take, has side effects.  Some are more important than others, but al side effects impact our quality of life.

For instance, I had a total emotional detachment while on Effexor.  Not emotional response to anything at all.  No tears, nothing!  I was also became completely impotent.  Now, after almost eight weeks of withdrawal issues, both of these sided effects are gone.  I am happy!

I would rather live well, enjoying life as it is presented to me, than be a zombie.  Yes, I suffer from some depression and yes, the withdrawal has been tough.  But, I am better off now and I have some other drugs I may try to delete from my treatment regimen also.  Of course, we will have to bounce those decisions off of my medical team.

Also, today was my MRI to determine if the brain damage from dementia has increased.  The Neurologist also wanted to see if I  had a stroke.  I am anxiously awaiting the results.

But now, I am going to relax and rest.  More later.

Appology

Recently, I have been a hot mess of negative emotions and anger.  Yes, there are reasons related to the progression of my LBD journey and the issues of withdrawal from Effexor.  That being said, there is no reason for me being as negative and mean as I have been on this blog and in my everyday life.  For this, I am sorry!!

Truthfully, I have just forgotten that Jesus walks with me and I am able to deal with anything in my life as long as I lean on Jesus!  I am human, and I just lost track of where I should be.  SO, I sincerely apologize to those of you who read this blog, the wonderful folks here at Azalea Trace, my Family, Friends, Shipmates and the poor strangers that have seen such a negative person.

I will say in my weak defense that this is a difficult journey that has increased in difficulty recently.  But, that truly is no excuse.  I trust the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords!  There is no other in Heaven or on Earth that I need to overcome anything in my life.

Jesus got my by the neck tonight and shook me!!    I am back on track, thanks to Jesus now, so I again plead for your forgiveness and I thank God for getting me back on track.  No matter what happens, I am Heaven bound!!  Praise God!!

The impact of my LBD on my wife

I am not an impartial observer when it comes to my Wife.  I love her with all my heart and I detest anything that causes her stress, emotional distress, or depression.   We have gone through numerous Navy Deployments, training times, yard periods out of home port, tech assist trips, and other times of forced separation over our almost 45 years of marriage.  She has had to deal with a number of surgeries including my colon surgery.  But, I have seen my LBD journey cause her more worry, depression, and distress than any other issue we have faced together.  Any other challenge we had to face, has an end date!  Each challenge always had a "Get Well" ending.  Even the removal of half of my colon because of a tumor had a prognosis of good health.  But, LBD only has a future of "Bad to Worse"!   And, we are now getting into the "Worse" stages of this disease.

I can see the stress in her face, in how she reacts to life, and how she tried to keep herself busy.  I know her coping skills and trust me, she is using everyone she has, all the time!   There is no help.  No support group and no one she chooses to confide in.  Instead, my Wife stoically suffers today and our future, on her own.   It is just he way.

Me, I am oblivious to the future.  LBD is taking away my ability to see any thing in the future.   Tomorrow is too far away for me to see or think of.   Tomorrow will just have to take care of itself.  I am too busy trying to deal with right now.

Just the same, the thing that pains me the most is how my LBD upsets the Lady I love.