I spent 20 years in Uniform in the Navy, as a Gunner’s Mate trtireing as an E-9. Then, I went to work for the Navy as a Civil Servant (GS) working for the Navy on weapons systems and also in management. I did some very dangerous things, some really crazy things, and put my life on the line more than once. Never ONCE was I frightened or afraid. I trusted my training and my ability. I knew the systems I worked on and I was trained by some of the BEST Gunner’s Mates the Navy every had. Lewy Body Dementia has changed ALL of that!!
I used to work with a Pastor who often said; “I am scared not and I am not afraid of anything!” Well, that is where I am now. My experience with LBD has taken a BIG turn for the worse and it has me finally understanding the fight I am in for. The forest few rounds, maybe the first half of the fight, I though I was doing good, maybe even winning a little, The last few his I have taken have convinced me I am NOT getting out of this fight alive or even easy!
My Wife and I just discussed this over the phone and she believes, and I agree, that the recent increase in LBD issues has brought me back to the grief and denial phase. I have written about me denying, in my mind, that I am as bad off as I know I am. I often look at new trucks to buy online, new homes to buy, and other things I used to be able to do. That clearly is part of denial. But I now realize I am grieving over the fact that I will never be we’ll again and all I have to look forward too is more and worse LBD issues. I am overwhelmed with grief, anger, and emotions that I cannot control.
I remember taking my Nephew Alex on the Aircraft Carrier USS Lincoln. As we walked out on the Flight Deck, that 10 year old boy’s eyes looked like saucers! He said; “I never thought it would be THIS big!”
Well, I never knew LBD could be this frightening, difficult, and overwhelming.. I am truthfully defeated.