Friday, May 18, 2018

FEAR!!!

Let me be truthful.  I am a lot farther into LBD than most people understand.  My wife let on in her recent post that she has seen this.  She also told me today.  I was a fearless Navy Master Chief Gunner’s Mate.  Or, at least I could control and hide my fears.  That is what bravery really is;  being able to control your fears and do what is expected of you, regardless of those inner fears.  Well, now, I cannot control my fears.  For instance, travel.  Two years ago we took a trip to the ARK in Kentucky, then to Cleveland to see my family, and then to Iowa to see Linda’s family.  All went well except our credit card got “HACKED”!!  No issue, Navy Federal handled it brilliantly.  The trip went off without an issue.

Last year we planned a trip to Virginian Beach.  I backed out!  This year, my wife is trying to get me back to Virginia Beach one more time, to see very good friends.  It will be good for me.  But, I am overwhelmed with fears that I cannot control.  First and foremost, I no longer am licensed to drive and I am a terrible passenger!  Things seem much closer to me than they actually ware and I am continually telling my wife to stop, watch out!  Or I am ducking because I am sure we are going to be hit!  And that is just on a trip to the store at the corner!  Then there is Zeus!  He does not ride well, so far.  Maybe he will settle down on the road.  Then there is the credit care issues of getting “Hacked”.  Then there is money issues.  Our Federal Long Term Insurance is being difficult so far.  Then there is where to stay with a dog, or not and the cost, and eating, and who the see, and the stress of being out of my environment.  I am overwhelmed and frightened.

LBD has made me a prisoner in my own body!  And I do not know how to deal with this issue, or even “IF” I can deal with this issue.  I never thought I would be so crippled with fear.  I remember how disoriented and frightened my Father in Law go when we took him out for a meal from his Nursing Home.  He had Alzheimer’s before all the new drugs and understanding.  I am now my Father in Law.  Disoriented, lost in my own mind, fearful, paralyzed by fright, and unable to make a decision!

1 comment:

  1. Don, gosh, I never thought about your last point. My mother had Alz, and I always took her out to dinner on Sunday nights. I thought it would be nice to enable her to leave the facility for a ride and meal out. You are right, I must have been terrorizing my mother when I took her out. Of course I was, because I can't stand even the thought of going out to eat somewhere anymore, so I just don't do it. And I could never take a trip like what you are talking about. I never thought of it as fear, but I guess that sums it up best. I keep asking my wife to take care of making sure I don't allow myself to be put in situations where bad things will happen, and someday I think this might just sink in for her. I really liked Linda's last entry, because allowing my wife to read something from someone other than me about LBD is the best way for her to gain some better understanding. Take care.

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