Sunday, July 30, 2017

I have decided NOT to fight anymore

I was trying to go to sleep last night, and as always, I was reviewing my day, my month, and my life.  It came to me, that is is time that I stop fighting.  No, not Fist Fights, but that constant emotional, violent, interaction with people, things, environment, and events that make up life.  For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I got extremely upset with the local Subaru Dealer's Service Department.   And, I have had a running issue with the maintenance department here at Azalea Trace.  It came to me last night;  I am flailing against Windmills! 

I cannot change anything or anyone.  So, why try.

And, since I have had some serious BP issues lately, the stress of fighting everything I used to think was wrong, unjust, or unfair, is not good for me.  For instance, today after Church, I went to the Nurses Station to get my BP monitored because I was dizzy along with all the other BP issues.   I cannot extend my life.  What I want to do is improve how I feel while I live!  Like I have said before, I am tired of feeling so bad!

So, I am going to try to let life proceed on it's own without my intervention.   I am just not going to fight anything, anymore.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Noise makes me angry at night

My wife has had a summer project to organize 45 years of family photos!  She has worked very hard on this project and often chooses to work well into the night.  I understand she wants to get this project completed.  But, believe it or not, photo organizing can be very noisy!   And the noise is amplified as the night progresses. 

She is up and down, tearing papers, opening and closing photo albums, in an increasing crescendo as the night progresses.  To accomplish this project, she required the television to be ON!  Not that she is watching it, but she likes the back ground noise.  Well, there are some commercials on the television that are very loud, with people screaming, that annoy me terribly.  With all the photo albums spread all over the couch coffee table, and floor, my wife cannot find the remote to mute the sound when these terribly annoying commercials attack me!  Get the picture?!

I realize, now that it is mid-morning, that it is Me that has the night issues and not her.  But, that does not help me at night.  More and more, I realize I need to be in Assisted Living/Memory Support for my sake and hers.

LBD is picking up steam!

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

I give up!

Today, I decided to go back on an anti-depressant medicine.   The brain-zapping has decreased but nit stopped.  My blood pressure has not even began to go back to where it was before I went off Effexor.  My ear ringing has not decreased, and I am agitated and angry most of the time.   Hopefully, going back on an anti-depressant will help me back to what used to be normal.

As far as my BP, my research has revealed that Effexor does help with Autonomic Dysfunction, so maybe that issue will get better.  I also hope the brain-zapping and ear ringing goes away.  But, I mostly hope my anger and agitation go away.   Being difficult with my Wife is not good and not the way I want to be.

I sent an email to my Neurologist late this afternoon.  I am curious about her reply and drug of choice. I gave her my preferences;  No weight gain, limited sexual dysfunction, some resemblance of emotional release, and as low a dose as can be effective.  We will see.  Soon, I hope.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

How I see things

Individuals with Dementia, especially Lewy Body Dementia, have perceptions that are not true or even based in a loose interpretation of the  facts.  I suffer from this.  It may be related to hallucinations.  I am not sure.  But, I know I have beliefs that come and go, that are not true, even though I think they are.  When do these perceptions occur?  Mostly at night, and especially when I am trying to go to sleep.  The perceptions cause my heart to race, my agitation to increase, and also cause me to get angry!  None of these are good for me. or anyone around me.

One of the issues of perceptions I have written about before is loss or theft of our savings and money in checking.  Truthfully, I do not manage our finances or even understand them.  But, at times, I am sure someone has their hand in our cookie jar!!

Another perception I have is no one really cares about me!  This normally manifests itself as a feeling of being abandoned, unwanted, and as a burden to everyone around me.  During these times, I want to be alone, living away from everyone, and isolated socially.  This is strange for a person who once was a hyper extrovert!  But, it is a perception that overwhelms me every night and most times I lay down to take a nap.  I have this all consuming feeling of being useless, unwanted, a burden, and someone everyone want to be rid of!   This issue has put my wife under extreme stress, even though she tries to hide it.  I have not discussed these perceptions with her, but she sees them.

We have an appointment with my neurologist in two weeks.  My views  will leave there with some new anti-depressant drug to try.  I am clear enough to know being off the anti-depressant is not working!  I have tried to research some of the anti-depressants out there, but I have had no success.

I believe and even hope, that sooner, rather than later, I will be living in Assisted Living, alone, away from noise, screaming television commercials, and people.  But, because of policies here where we live, that will have to wait until January 2018.    And no, I don't think they give waivers.  

Trust me, the later innings of this LBD game are brutal!!  And, a slough as I WAS,   I am no longer able to battle this foe.  I am defeated both mentally and physically.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

I am extremely tired of feeling so bad!

My head is pressurized,  cannot regulate my body temperature, I have no idea what my BP is because I quit taking it weeks ago, but my hand and feet are freezing to the touch, My back hurts, I am having problem hearing because my ears are clogged, I ache all over, and I feel as bad as I have ever felt in my life.   Truly!  I did not feel this bad after my colon surgery!   I am also having increasing issues controlling bowel and urine.  I have had these issues in the past but they are increasing.  Emails with the neurologist have not been fruitful and my GP got her degree from a Cracker Jack Box!    Real medical care in Pensacola, or every south of Atlanta, west of Miami, and east of Houston, is nonexistent!  Not to mention, most doctors I deal with don't even believe or care that I am suffering.

Am I overstating things?  I don't think so.  After 6 years in this lost land, I have yet to find a doctor of any type that I would trust to lance a boil!  Honestly, I trust Navy Corpsmen more than I trust Doctors in the South!!

The unemotional truth is, I am getting worse.  The LBD is progressing and I am feeling the results of that progression.

Yesterday, our Grand Daughter in Law, who is an RN student came to visit.  I really love her and appreciate her attitude towards my disease.  She real cares about ma and asks probing questions to determine how I am doing.  It was great visit.

So, how this goes is anyone's guess.  I am going to contact the neurologist again and see if there is nothing we can do to help me feel better.   I do not feel confident this will succeed.

I just emerald my neurologist with all this info.  We will see what tomorrow brings.

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Perceptions verses reality

Recently, I had our Subaru serviced.  I had it in my mind "Perceptions" that the service was not done correctly.   That "perception" has haunted me and upset me the last few days.   I even sent a rather "Hot" email to the service manager.   I tried to tie a nap today and my "perceptions" kept me awake and agitated.   So, I decided to open the hood and do my own inspection.  I found out I was wrong.  My "perceptions" were incorrect.   I sent the service manager an email apologizing for the portion of my complaint that I was wrong about.

The LBD issue her is, my mind manufactures issues that do not exist!   It is normal and expected, since I have done my research on LBD.  But, it is still very upsetting and completely impossible for me to control!  Only when I am in a phase of being as near normal and cognizant of reality as I get, can I reason out when I am wrong.  The question is, will I fall back into my "perceptions" as the evening becomes night?

Friday, July 14, 2017

Death, comes to all of us

Unless Jesus returns soon, and he may,  we will all face death.  That is, our passing from our earthly body to our Resurrection body.  The make up or that Resurrection body is determined by our relationship with Jesus Christ.

Think about that.  I do, often!  You either believe Jesus was the promised Messiah that died for our Sins and who's blood washes us clean.  If yo believe that, you will stand before God, represented by Jesus, the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  If you do not believe this, then you eternity will be torture.  Again, the time to decide what you believe is right now!

I have come to the point that many of the entertainers I liked have died.  I don't much like what they call entertainment today.  Most of my friends, family, and professional icons are dead!   My mentors, leaders, my friends, those who taught me, trained me, corrected me, and encouraged me are all gone, or almost all gone.   I miss them, their friendship, mentorship, and truthful, honest opinions.  I have very few people I can turn to for advice, guidance, strength, and friendship today.

I am a dinosaur.   Extinct, looked down on, treated with disrespect, misunderstood, even despised!  I have nothing of perceived value to add to the world, according to the folks I live around and the world I live in.

I have written about past friends that are gone;  Jim Smith, Bill Mowery, Vern Van Matre, Harold Wheeler, Kenny Colden, Joe Donnell, Dave Kelly, My Dad, Pete Schaffer, Sonny Mills, Harry Fresch, My Mom, and so many more that the emotions are overwhelming!!

Soon, I will see many of these folks.  How do I say that?   Since I stopped taking Effexor, my emotions have returned and also by perspective of the progression of my disease.  Effexor held me in a place of suspended emotional animation.  I was a Zombie.  But, now, along with the tears, comes reality.  I am OK with that.  Maybe even at ease with it.

I have sinned.  But Jesus has washed my sins away.  I have done some things of value and some foolish things.  But, only what I did for God will stand.  I am sure of that.  And I am glad of that also.

We recently went to the Seacrest Wolf Preserve n Florida with our youngest Grandson.  It was a surprise High School graduation gift.  We took the VIP tour and had over three hours ,just the three of us, alone in wolf families.  Many of the wolves came up for petting and some of them actually kissed us.  The wolves particularly liked my beard and liked to "Kiss" me.  While we were with the arctic wolves, the tour guide told us the Alpha Male would not come out to us.  He also said the Alpha Female probably would not make contact with us.  Well, the Alpha Female mauled me for attention.  She even laid on her back and let me rub her belly while she gently chewed my forearm.  The Alpha Male came close to me to watch the love fest.

The tour guide said I must have put off some "Positive Vibes".  The truth is, and I did not say it then, is;  Animal know when humans are sick, and maybe approaching the end of their earthly life.  I believe that is why I was treated so well by all of the wolves at Seacrest.  Again, it's OK with me.  I have had an exciting life.  Done things most men can only dream of.  I have had a wonderful Wife to share my best time with and a Son I am proud of.  The end of earthly life is the beginning of Heavenly life!!  I am ready!

Why do I write this?  It is part of my LBD journey and where my mind has been for awhile.    Thanks for sharing this with me.

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Evaluating loneliness

I have written before, may times, about being lonely.  I have no one to compare life's experiences with.   As a Navy Enlisted man, we call that telling "Sea Stories".  Now, as a primer to Sea Stories, I need to educate you that all Sea Stories begin with; "This ain't no shit"!   I talked with one of the few fellow retired enlisted men here, but he has nothing to talk about!  He never did anything, went anywhere, influenced anything or anyone, in his 20 year career.   What the Hell did he do?!  What a boring asshole!  I don't think he ever got drunk or hit anyone in fight!

My wife is tired of my sea stories, even though I have told her things I NEVER told her before!  Those things must have skilled my mind before now!  But, I have no one else to talk too.  This does not help with my mental issues related to my LBD and the terror of Effexor withdrawal.   Yes, I know I am flogging a dead horse!!  But, I am lonely, bored, and without mental stimulation.

I cannot deal with life and people anymore!

Normal things in life now cause me to get angry.   Today, we went to get the oil changed at the local Subaru dealer.  It is where I both the car and in the past, they have had a good service department.  But, lately, the changes they have made in their service staff has made their service department just another welfare office!!  They have always washed cars as part of the service.  Today, the female service writer, who knows as much about cars as I know about orthopedic surgery,  told us our car was ready.  We paid, and when we went out, I noticed the car was not washed.  I asked the other female service writer if the stopped washing cars after service and she said no.  That pissed me off!   I walked back to our car and told my Wife I needed to leave right then!  Leaving was better than me blowing up!!  At least I could reason that out.

This is just an example of my inability to deal with simple issues in life.  I have lost my temper because of people talk loud outside of our apartment.  I get angry at bad drivers and yell at them, people telling on cell phones and not paying attention to business, and other simple issues.   Things that I believe are wrong make me angry and I react to that anger.

I know this is because of the progression of my LBD.  I also know it is also related to the withdrawal from Effexor.  The question is, what can I do about it?!  I have emailed with my Neurologist, yes that is the new way for a doctor to interact with patients, and she has not offered anything I consider valuable.  But, this frustrates and angers me also, since medical treatment in Pensacola Florida is as good as medical treatment in a mid- level US City in the 1940's!!

So, I am in a struggle that shows no sign of improving.  Maybe, keeping me out of contact with people and society is what we will come too.   We will see.  I am just reporting the progression of my condition.

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Emotional issues, as they unfold

Especially at night, I have emotional issues that are related to LBD and beginning to impact me more and more.  Doing my "Due Diligence" research about the emotional issues related to LBD.  For instance, I have beliefs, not feelings, but actual beliefs that an individual is taking our money.  Depleting our accounts.  Do I feel this way all the time.  no.  But especially in the evening and as I fall asleep, those beliefs take control of my thoughts.  There are other emotional issues that I cannot remember at this point.

Now, I will tell you, this is normal for Dementia patients.  So, I am normal.  It is a normal progression of my LBD and that keeps me from getting frightened by the symptom.  I believe knowledge is power over this disease.  The more we know about what is going to happen, the better prepared we are to face it.   Websites like LBD.ORG and others are great sources have documented symptoms of LBD.  Issues other LBD patients have dealt with.  We need to have those facts at our disposal!

I am really becoming a HAND FULL for my Wife!

Since I have been off Effexor, I have become more emotional, angry, agitated, dissatisfied, and vocal!! I yell at drivers,  and recently chastised a young mother who was letting her 18 month old son make every effort to become "Road Kill" in a Target parking lot while she tacked on her cell phone!!  If we had not stilled the traffic, that little boy would have been dead!!

I also, recently, flame sprayed a staff member for telling me I did not need to use my cane!!  I believe she is in for psychological treatment!

The bottom line is, I am angry and no longer bashful about letting others know.  I often lament the fact that I hate Florida, the people in the community we live in, and not being with friends I made over 40+ years connected to the Navy!!  I actually feel sorry for my Wife and apologize often!  She is in a terrible spot!!

This is new for recent times, but not new in my life.  When I was in the Navy, I was not bashful about letting people know I had serious doubts about the purity of their gene pools and their parenting!!  But, I am sure my Wife thought those days were over.  Surprise, they're back!!

I just sent an email to my Neurologist discussing this and my BP/ Body Temperature, Urine control, and other Autonomic Dysfunction issues.  I am anxiously awaiting her response.

Monday, July 3, 2017

Loneliness, depression, being alone

Tomorrow is the 4th of July!!  A day that we used to grill with friends, tell Sea Stories, drink beer, and have fun.  Boy, do I miss those days!!  I miss my friends in the Norfolk area.  I miss the Navy connection.  I miss my Church friends there.  I miss being in Virginia.

Yes, Azalea Trace has a big indoor, holiday dinner tomorrow.  We will eat with some folks we are acquainted with.  I say it that way because I have never made any friends here in Florida or at this CCRC.  Since we are younger than most, there is no age connection.  And since Linda and I did not grow up rich, with servants, gardeners, and nannies, we have no connection there either.  And, since I am surrounded by Military Officers, mostly Reserves who never did anything, I have no Military connection.   I am alone, lonely, and with no hope of ever having a friend.

I told my Wife that one of my biggest frustrations is things are wrong in my life, and while I can identify them, I cannot do anything to change what is wrong!!   Life is much more difficult that I ever experienced before.   I miss my life!!

Maybe I am just difficult to get along with!!

Saturday, July 1, 2017

Yesterday was a great day!

Yesterday, at the request of our Grand-Daughter In-Law, we went to the USS Alabama Memorial.  My Wife, Son, and Allie went to tour this great Battleship.  She wanted to get some idea of what I did for 40 years and the Alabama is a wonderful teaching tool.  I have not been on the Alabama for a couple of years and I was very excited to be "Home" on a Navy ship again.  Once aboard, I am young again!  My memories of being a Navy Gunner's Mate, a Master Chief, a Leader, a MAN, come alive.  I don't hurt!  I can run around the ship, bound up ladders, duck through hatches, and know exactly where I am on the ship, no matter what!!  People were following us and listening to my explanations of the systems on the ship.  I spent some time with young and older people, explaining al l the capabilities of the ship and her systems.  I was home!   I was young and alive again!!

Everyone else got worn out, but, at least in my mind, I could have gone on for hours more.  This may have been my last trip to the Alabama.  It was a good one.