Future doubts

When I was younger, and I went to bed, I  knew I was going to wake up in the morning!  I had plans, things I wanted and needed to do!  And don't tell me, you never felt that way because all of us did!  Now, when I go to bed, I have no assurance I will wake up in this world.  Truthfully, many times I hope I will NOT wake up in this world!  I now have no plans and nothing that I need to do.  Instead, all I can see is things and decisions that I messed up!!  Decisions I made wrong, things I wasted money  and time on, and people I hurt.  I see my sins and failures, not my accomplishments or successes!  As a matter of fact, based on the perspective I have now, I can't see anything I did of value.

Yes, hind sight IS 20/20!  It is always easier to judge what you did after it was done.  But, looking back at my life, I am not satisfied with my accomplishments.  I find no value in what I did in my life.  Why, because everything I stood for is being denigrated and trashed by the people I spent 40 years defending.  The people that I considered to be the slackers, the takers, the crooks, and the immoral ones are now touted as the "Greatest, Moral, Brave" ones!  Why did I spend countless years away from my family, doing what the leaders of America said I had to do, to be pissed on now!  Based on the conversations I have with the "Landed Gentry" I live around, I am worthless, never had any worth, and should not be allowed to exist, in America as they, the Landed Gentry, have engineered it to be.

I am also very concerned about the financial decisions I made concerning my Wife's future.  I hope we made the financially responsible decisions that ensure my Wife's financial security after I die.  Yes, ACTS has a program to meet the needs of residents that run out of money, if that was not their fault.  But, I still worry.  And that worry consumes me and robs me of any satisfaction in life.

Life is not as I thought it would be at this age.  I guess I was wrong about that too.