Friday, December 9, 2016

We are now in the Fourth Quarter!

Linda and I have both noticed some progressions of my LBD.   My memory is worse.  Time, days, months, years, have no meaning or consequence for me.  For instance, I just looked back and found out I have not posted since November 28!  I was sure it was just a day or so since I posted.  I struggle to find words and my ability to hold a conversation decreases the later in the day it gets.  Nights have become a time I hate!!  I am more unstable in my walking and my legs and back hurt all the time now.  This pain has become so intense I am now using pain relievers and if you know me, you know I avoid pain relievers almost all of the time.  Now, I can no longer deal with the constant pain.

Emotionally, I am tired, frustrated, angry, and although I try very hard to be cheerful in public, even that has become more of a chore!  The other day, a 90+ year old lady that lives here with s, was asking me if I was going to watch a College Football Game.   Instead of saying yes, or no, I gave her my real view of College Sports, and trust me, it is not pretty!!  Her reply was;  "I never though about it that way!"

I am also very easy to startle!  Anything out of the norm startles me and I become jumpy and defensive immediately!!  My wife has to be careful waling into the bathroom when I am in there brushing my teeth because I do not hear her moving my way and when I see her, I draw my fists up ready to fight!!

And since I live in my past and not the today, I am now overwhelmed by my failures and sins ov my past,  The circumstances of my birth and raising, the crimes of my youth, and the good and bad of my Navy career.  It seems the negatives out weigh the positives.  Or at least, that is how my mind tortures me.

Things have gotten worse and I am not sure what comes next.  There is nothing written, that I have found, that gives me a road map.  I have no one to ask, no Doctor to consult, and no association that has any help for me.  I am truly alone on an uncharted mental world.  Am I frightened?  Yes.  And I no longer find this disease interesting.

1 comment:

  1. Master Chief,
    You are not alone, there are us following in your steps with this disease. You confirm symptoms that I have and wonder about. Your loving wife is by your side to help along the way, with as much support she's able to give, not having LBD. God bless you for creating and keeping this blog. It really helps me to see the path more clearly.

    As a follower of Christ, we know that this is not our home. He will make all things new!

    BTW, I'm a retiree twice from government, active duty Air Force (go easy on me) and civil service, which I retired 5 years early due to LBD because I was fumbling around, not able to follow briefings or conversations and being unable to put intricate
    missions together after doing it for 20+ years.

    Once again we thank you for such a well written (for navy) capture of your wins and losses with this strange disease. Love you brother.