Sunday, July 3, 2016

Turning inward

Last night, my Wife and I had a very good, productive, honest discussion about where I am and where I am going in my LBD journey.  She said, and after some reflection, I agreed, that I have now turned mentally inward.  This categorically documents a serious progression in my disease.

Not only do I NOT want or seek outside activity or contact.  I am overwhelmed and agitated by outside contact and activity.  I am only comfortable within comfortable, familiar, surroundings, and only when socializing with people that I consider safe and comfortable.

For instance; Riding in the car, in city traffic, is terrifying to me!!  I flinch and jump when cars come close to us or cross our path.  I urgently instruct my wife to STOP for red lights, well before we arrive at them.

Also, I need to be with people that I don not feel a requirement to "Act Normal" with.   Trust me, that list is very short.  Yes, I still "Show Time" or at least try to, when we are with people or I pass people in the hall.  I try to put on a "Happy Face" for others.  Especially since they tell me I am not sick anyway!

I truly do not care about the world around me.  When I think about the present world, I get very angry and upset.   I do not like change and that is the theme of our world today.

Again, this inward turn is something I know would come, but to be told by the one person I trust and KNOW  has my best interest at heart, made me see the change.  It shook me at first, but after our conversation, I now understand where I am and where I am going.

From now on, I will turn more and more into myself mentally.  I already have many, out loud, conversations with myself.  In these inner discussions, I present both arguments, passionately.  I then come to a conclusion, that may or may not be based in reality and fact.  That conclusion then has the weight of reality!  And it remains with me as a fact.

It has been a rough couple of weeks, or months.  The fall seems fast and precipitous and I have not found a place to grab on and slow my fall.  There seems to be no one or nothing for me to grab onto for help.  Much like those childhood dreams of falling when you were asleep.  Falling and falling, but never stopping until you awake.  But I will never wake up!  I know that now.  Just falling.

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