People tell me; You are doing very well and you will live another 15 or 20 years! When I know, and anyone who understands LBD, I am not going to live 5 more years! And your telling me I will live 20 years will not make it happen and it only angers me.
Let's look at the facts. If I did live 10, 15, 20, more years, what mental and physical shape would I be in? I need/require a cane to walk now. My legs refuse to move when I first get out of a chair. I stumble and fall. I wet and soil myself from time to time. I choke on saliva, food, coffee, and air! I don't know what day it is. I am unable to have sex. I have no interest in anything. So, why would I want to live 20 more years? Just because YOU want me too?
Every night, I confess every sin I can think of. Why, because I am not sure if I will wake in the morning. Every night, I feel like it will be my last night! And I am OK with that. I have actually prayed for God to call me home, soon. I do not look forward to fighting this fight indefinitely.
I understand the desire to have those we love with us as long as we live. How many of us wish our Mom or Dad were still alive? Or an older brother, a Shipmate, or a long time friend that died, too early for our planning. But if that loved one had a terminal disease, what was their desires? Live or die? I miss Mom and Dad, but they had cancer and the pain and suffering were rough on them. So, death stopped their suffering.
I am now beginning to suffer, physically and mentally. And that is only going to increase, not decrease, no matter what your selfish, well meaning, wishes are for me.
Instead of hanging onto unrealistic desire, why not try to help me now, to enjoy the days I have. That is the best wish I have.