With all my posts, through the progression of my disease, I have been very open about the effects, physical and emotional, of this disease. But, I have been a little "brighter" about the effects of the disease on me. I have tried to portray myself as tough, tenacious, and unaffected by Lewy Body Dementia. Nothing could be farther from the truth!
And those posts I wrote that did show the effects were understated.
The truth is, I am overwhelmed by LBD. I am unable to cope with the effects of the disease and I spend everyday depressed, agitated, and despondent. Everything, every manner I used to deal with difficult times have failed me. I cannot think my way out of the "funk" that invades my mind and my life. The dreams I used to cling to are now empty and unobtainable. The things I loved to do, I can't do anymore.
I am tired of telling people I am doing "well" or "As well as I can" when I am screaming inside that I am lost, dying, depressed, frustrated, and without hope.
The truth is, once LBD takes over you loose total control of your life, be that the first year your are diagnosed or four years into the process. Then there is the doubting Thomas that tell you you don't have a disease, are faking it, have had a bad diagnosis, or a mistaken, about being ill.
However, I am floundering in the prison that LBD has locked me in. A prison that has no release and only progresses the prisoner deeper into isolation and darkness. The people who used to be your friends stay away. And if you moved to a new city like I did, you are even more isolated.
I remember when we still live in Virginia Beach, someone knocked on our door. It was Chuck Morton, a shipmate I had not seen in 20 years! I was so excited to see him I forgot I was still in my PJ's and had not even combed my hair! We talked for two hours. That was wonderful.
But now, I am lost in my thoughts, divorced from my dreams, and looking into an abyss. How the hell did I get here?!