Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Nights are my bad time, will she ever learn?

Yesterday was a relaxing day.  My wife had some things to do related to her Bible Study, but she didn't.  We took a nap, and when we got up, my wife was hyper-active about getting the taxes done.  So, after dinner, we did our taxes on Turbo Tax.  She wanted to learn how to use Turbo Tax and we worked on it together.  Trust me, a blind man on a galloping horse could use Turbo Tax.  My wife tried to make it a monumental undertaking and questioned everything the Tax program and I did.  Then, I needed the amount we pay here at the CCRC ever month, and she tore the house up frantically looking for that information.  I kept telling her it was no issue, I could get it in the morning from accounting.  But, she had t find in right then and there.

After the taxes were complete, she bounced and ran around the apartment for three hours sorting out piles of papers, shredding, and then baking a coffee cake!  While each minute of hyper-activity pushed me closer to madness!   I could feel my heart racing in my chest and all I was doing is trying to watch television.

Everything has to be done exactly the way my wife wants it to be done.  There is no room for differing opinions.   Before LBD, she did not openly challenge me, but her way was still the only way.  Now, she challenges me on everything.  Unless I mimic what she says, I am wrong.  I have learned to live with this, but my ability to "suck it up" is almost gone, as this even shows.

Then came clean up from the baking time.  And of course, the dogs wanted out.  Then I had a few papers to shred.  And while walking out of the room that has the shredder, my wife tried to walk in that room, and I felt a small urge to knock her out.

I did not say or do anything.  But the urge was there and I actually made a fist of my right hand.  I let it pass and I have said nothing to her.

Nights are the most difficult time.  I have explained this many times, in every way that I can, to no avail.   I have never used violence against my wife.  But last night, in my agitated state, and my control ability stressed beyond it's limits, I felt that urge!

I don't care if I had a nap, I do bad at night and a calm, quiet, stress free environment is what I need.  I have discussed this, calmly with my wife, numerous times, to no avail.   I have discussed, with my wife,  moving me to Assisted Living or a memory support facility, and
I believe the necessity to do this is drawing near, soon.

Again, I write this blog to inform others about how my LBD journey is progressing.  And I have said that my LBD journey is picking up speed and intensity.   The events of last nigh only serve to illustrate that fact even more.

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