When I was in the Navy, I did everything I could do to be the consulate professional. I was strong, brave, or stupid, your choice, and I had almost total recall of technical information and sea stories!
If there was a risk to be taken in the gun mount or on the ship, or even on Shore Patrol, I was the one that took the lead. I would rather risk my life rather than someone else. That was just me.
But, sometime during the second decade of my Civil Service career, after 30 years of Naval service, (20 in Uniform and 10 in Civil Service), I started to notice my previously total recall memory being reduced and limited.
Finally, I had to retire on a disability because I mentally could NOT do my job anymore. Since that unplanned, untimely, retirement, I have been on a down hill slide, mentally and physically. My muscle tome has greatly diminished and my stability walking is greatly compromised resulting in numerous falls and near falls.
But the mental decline has been the hardest for me to deal with. I cannot remember Bible verses or even where to find them in the Bible. My memories of people of my past, even relatives, and events of my life are fading.
These mental and physical declines have resulted in me loosing my confidence.
Again, back in my Navy days, as a Gunner's Mate and a Chief Petty Officer and above, I was totally confident in my abilities in ANY situation. Now, I don't even like to leave the area of Azalea Trace. I am uncomfortable in the car as a passenger and very jumpy in traffic. And I am extremely uncomfortable in the dark, in a car, walking outside, or even in our apartment. Travel is unnerving because I am in an unfamiliar situation and out of my routine. And routine is key to my mental comfort and calmness.
I have written before that I feel diminished before. But that has progressed to a feeling of total dependence on my routine, my familiar surroundings, and a quiet environment. even the cellphone ringing causes me to jump and feel a shock bolt through my body!
This loss of confidence in myself and my abilities along with the actual loss of my mental and physical abilities is the most depressing issue I deal with, as I am sure it is with all who deal with LBD.
Is there a fix? No!! No drugs or counseling will help. How can I say that? Because I have tried both, numerous times. No, this is here to stay, and most likely to get even worse. My only hope is, the mental decline will speed up and I will no longer know I am mentally and physically compromised.
See, LBD does have some positive attributes!!