I have written before that I dread good days. The days that I feel good, almost normal, and that things seem to be going better. I had a few of them this week, two or three days of feeling pretty good. I knew I would pay for them, in Spades! But, those good days fooled me. Then today dawned and I realized it was payment day.
My wife had a number of chores planned for today. We needed to get the car ready for trip she is taking so we had the car serviced at the Subaru Dealer. Then to the Vet for some heart medicine for Marcel, the to the pet store for food, and then to Walmart for some other things. The Vet's office was FULL of barking, sniffing, loud, dogs. Old dogs, puppies, big dogs, small dogs, and all the excitement that comes with them. The pet store was having an adoption event!! More excited, loud, barking dogs and more people than I ever want to see gain!! We came home and I took a nap.
Now, my wife is intently watching the Republican Debate and I am in the office, listening to Gospel music on my earphones. I am overwhelmed with depression and anger. I cannot figure out tomorrow. I have no thought process that makes sense! One minute, I desperately want to move back to Virginia Beach, the next I want to move into Assisted Living. Then, I want to move to a memory support unit. Next, I am thinking about buying a house! See what I mean?!
I used to have a very logical mind. Step by step planning that made logical, budgetary, sense. Now, I am lost in opposing thoughts. This truly is a maddening disease and I now, officially, hate it.
I am truly lost inside my own mind! I do not discuss these disconnected thoughts with my wife. She would be overwhelmed with them. I have no one to talk to here at Azalea. My Pastor is a good man who truly tries to help me. But, he is young and knows little about LBD. And, he is busy with a growing, young, congregation! So, we get together for lunch every couple of months. I cannot and will not ask more of him.
That little rabbit trail shows my wandering mind. But this will really illustrate my lostness. My Brother died 23 December. But, every couple of days, I want to call him. Then, it hits me, again, Sonny died!! And the emotions of his death, and the death of my parents and shipmates run over me like a train!
Today, I got my Fleet Reserve Association magazine. I always read the obituaries. For the last 20 years, I have seen the Obits for old shipmates. Today, it hit me; There was no one I knew! Why because they mostly are all dead. I still have Jerry, Doc Wolf, and Dave Flippo, thank God.
This has been a tough day and I hope this disconnected post illustrates that. I think I will listen t George Jones for a while. He died too.