Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Why do I get depressed?!

I am in a self-examining mode.  I have been wondering why I get depressed, filled with anxiety, and angry.  This is not an easy or light undertaking.  Every night and most days, I am depressed.  I never used to admit this fact.  I fought and argued with my neurologist over his assertion that I was depressed.  Now, I openly admit the fact.  And I also admit that is is getting worse.

Last night started the Barrett Jackson collector car auction in Scottsdale Arizona.  This has been my favorite television viewing for many years.  I am a car nut.  Even now, I spend countless hours researching cars online.  Back in Virginia, I was the first person in the annual Virginia Beach new models car show in January!

But, last night, I found myself getting more and more depressed and agitated as I watched the first night of Barrett Jackson.  I felt so bad that I went to bed with an hour and a half of the nights cars still to go!!

Why was I so depressed?  I thought about that all of a very restless night.  This morning, I believe I have a clue as to my depression.  And, most of you will not like my conclusion.  Lewy Body Dementia is taking away all the things I used to love to do.  Not only can't I do the things I once lived to do, I am not interested in them, at all.   Then, the idea that I cannot do these once cherished things, makes me depressed and makes me think more about how my future will go.

Look at the facts;  I am not supposed to drive.  So a Hot Rod is out of the question, not to mention I can't afford one now.  So, cars I once got very excited about are now no longer interesting to me because I cannot use them,  I don't even like looking at sexy women on TV!  I can't do anything about it, so why be interested.  Even my concrete survival house dream is always interrupted by the stark fact that I cannot take care of myself, so how can I live alone on 20 acres!!  And even a massive recall of Military retirees would leave me out!  They will not want someone who has dementia.  Get the point?!

LBD is a cruel disease, that is for sure.  But, the real cruelty has just begun to impact me in the last year.  LBD has me a prisoner in my own body.

So, I now better understand my depression and anxiety.  Maybe you can see this in your own LBD patient.  If so, be kind and understanding with them.  These are terrifying times for us.

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