I have been in emotional turmoil for the last month or so. My Brother passed away before Christmas, so that has impacted me also. But, I have had feelings of my own mortality also. Issues have arrived that have me concerned. Issues like my body being able to regulate my blood pressure, temperature, and even my mental stability including hallucinations, feelings of abandonment, and troubles concentrating on today instead of my past.
Needless to say, it has been a difficult time for me. Yes, I am seeing my Psychologist and he was concerned and made me come back in two weeks. The next visit is this week. He can't "Cure" my issue, but he can help me deal with them.
I am not concerned with my destination, but the process of death is frightening. And, since I am as honest as I can be on this blog, I am being very open.
This is now the third day of me trying to write this post. I realize, in theory, that all that is happening with me is due to LBD. But, my mind says different. And most of the time, especially late in the day, my mind makes me believe the issues are caused by people around me. It is 9AM right now. The sky is clear and the sun is out. I am functioning pretty well. That is why I am trying to write now, knowing that in a few hours, all that will change.
The other day we had friends from my past Navy days come over for lunch. The wife is in a Bible Study my wife leads and they discovered both husbands were stationed on the USS Caron at the same time. My wife had me move a chair while we were waiting to get into the dinning room, so all of us could sit together. When the dinning room opened, I was trying to move the chair back to the original place. I was backing p, pulling the chair and I bumped into an elderly lady. Not hard, but I startled her. I apologized profusely!! This little old, pad of a lady flame sprayed me and told me I had better learn to look where i was going! She yelled at me like I was a 5 year old. After we were seated, I went over to her table, an in front of all at that table, including her husband, whom I know, I again apologized. Again, she berated me as if I did this on purpose and I was some interloper who did not belong here.
I spent the rest of the afternoon in my bed! Hiding! I did not play billiards Sunday because I did not want to be around people. She upset me that much. Now, I should be able to shake this off. But I cannot! She should have been more gracious, but she wasn't. Her husband tried to ease the tension but she was relentless. And now, I am hold up in my apartment plotting my escape.
I am not logical anymore. I am emotional and LBD have broken my social and emotional filters. Jean Harlow said she wanted to be alone in life. I understand her emotions on that now. Much of the time, people are the source of my pain.