Saturday, December 31, 2016

The MOVE, day two!

We are beat!  We moved all of the heavy, difficult furniture today, thanks to the great help from our son, two grandsons, soon to be granddaughter in law, and two of the grandsons friends.  But, it was a tough day.  But we will sleep in our new "Tiny House" apartment!   Things are fitting pretty well.  No anger outbursts.  Just good organization.  My wife has worked each night into the wee hours of the morning and then got up rely and hit it again!  She is amazing.

One decision that I made yesterday, came as a surprise to my wife and son.  I have been an avid gun collector and shooter for a long time.  But, I have sold off about half of my collection and kept what my son wanted to inherit.  I decided last night, that he needed to inherit them today!  So, we moved the safe to his house.  No small undertaking!  I believe this is a sane, intelligent, timely decision.  He deserves them and I really do not need to have them here.

So, we wil continue to put things away, move a few pieces of furniture tomorrow, and clean out the two bedroom apartment tomorrow and Monday.  Hopefully we will be ALL complete by Tuesday!!     I am worn out, sore, exhausted, and ready to sleep.  More tomorrow.

Friday, December 30, 2016

Move, day ONE!! A day of decisions

We took possession of our new, smaller, apartment this morning.  There were a few a few last minute cleaning issues that the staff rapidly solved.  Then we waited for the delivers of the new headboard, dresser, and sofa.  All of which came later than than advertised, but what's news.  The sofa had to be delivered over the porch railing and through the sliding glass doors!  But, it went smoothly.

Our son and two grandsons arrived after 4 to help us move some of the heavy things and the kitchen items.  As of 9:30 tonight, the kitchen is done, organized, and now we can get the living room and bedroom complete tomorrow morning.  Starting time is planned for 9 AM.

Some things just will not fit like we thought they would.  And our comfort and safety are our first priority.   Many folks here at Azalea have asked me why we are moving to a one bedroom apartment.  Yes we have a large, two bedroom apartment, with our own washer and dryer, dining room, and office.  But, at a high cost for space we seldom use.

Then there is the reality of my disease.  My death will reduce my wife's income and a lower cost of living will help with that.  If I need a higher level of care, the two bedroom apartment will really be too big and seldom used.  If I stay in the apartment for the foreseeable future, I will  be more comfortable in a smaller space because I feel more secure in that setting.  So, a one bedroom, 612 sq ft apartment is better for us than a 1200 sq ft two bedroom apartment.  Again, it is what is best for us.

I my wife and are realists and a planners.  This move reflects that attitude.  

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Our move is here!

Our new one bedroom apartment is almost ready.   There are a few, minor, finishing touches and we hope we get the keys tomorrow.  If so, we intend to start moving the kitchen first.  Plates into the cabinets, pots and pans, food, all moved and stored.  Then closets and storage items followed by the clothes.  Then we will move light, easy to move furniture and place the items in those pieces of furniture.  Of course, we ave to coordinate the delivery of a sofa.  Hopefully that will come on Friday or Saturday.

This move will be easier than most but promises to be as stressful as any cross country move.  I am looking forward to this being done.  I am not looking forward to doing it!!  I pray it will be done by Sunday.  We will see.

Stress is NOT good fro me in any way!  So, we will try to keep the stress to a minimum.  Stay tuned for more stories of the move.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas my friends and readers!!  I know, that this season is stressful, depressing, and full of sadness and despair.  It brings back bad memories of our childhood, family arguments, and other emotional baggage.  But, it should not!!  Christmas is meant to celebrate the unimaginable gift of the our undeserved salvation from our sins, from God, by the Birth of the promised Savior!!  The events of the past are erased as are the sins we committed by the Death, Burial, and Resurrection of Jesus the Christ.  If the Savior, who was Full GOD and Fully Man, had not became man, the price for our sins would not have been PAID and we would be destined for Eternal Damnation in Hell!

So, forget about those emotional issues, the past, and the bad times.  Instead, center yourself on Jesus Christ's birth.  Accept and celebrate GOD's perfect gift to you!!

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Answers to a question

Recently, John L. sent me a reply asking some interesting questions about my journey.  Since I believe we are our OWN  support group, I believe it is important to address these issues.

John asled me if I had headaches with my leg pain.  Yes!  And the headaches came on when the leg pain got worse!   That seems interesting, now that he asked that question, although, I never drew the correlation before.  The headaches also are more intense when the pain is more intense.

He then asked if I had tinnitus.  I have had tinnitus since my early Navy days.  However, as I looked at this issue, as it relates to my LBD and the recent, exponential pain increase, I believe the tinnitus also increases with the leg pain and headaches.  Again, I would never have drawn that conclusion without John's question.

Again, no one understands what we are going through.  And if we do not let each other know what we are going through, no one will ever know what to expect.  And I have always wanted to know what was going to happen next and if what I was experiences was "normal" for the LBD journey.

Keep those cares and letters coming!  Merry Christmas!!

Monday, December 12, 2016

How can I deal with leg pain?

I have write that my leg pain has increased and has also progressed to my lower back.  I have also written that  finally have given in to using pain meds.  Now, I am on a search for a non-narcotic pain per that works.  My aversion to narcotics is based on the addictive nature of these drugs and the effect they have on my colon.  I had half of my colon removed for a tumor 15 years ago and constipation has become a problem because of the LBD.  So, I really want to stay off narcotic drugs.

I am trying Excedrin right now with limited success right now.  I may try Ibuprofen tonight.  I need to get this under control because the pain is preventing me from sleeping for any long periods.   Last night, I finally got up at 3:30 AM and stayed up because of the pain.

I am not complaining but only trying to record this issue for everyone to learn from since we are our own support group.  I find that my GP is useless for anything related to my LBD.The Neurologist is OK, but inexperienced.  I have asked my GP and the Neurologist to set me up with a Palliative Care Physician, but to date, they do not think I am at that stage yet.  I have a surprise for both of them;  Yes I am!

Friday, December 9, 2016

We are now in the Fourth Quarter!

Linda and I have both noticed some progressions of my LBD.   My memory is worse.  Time, days, months, years, have no meaning or consequence for me.  For instance, I just looked back and found out I have not posted since November 28!  I was sure it was just a day or so since I posted.  I struggle to find words and my ability to hold a conversation decreases the later in the day it gets.  Nights have become a time I hate!!  I am more unstable in my walking and my legs and back hurt all the time now.  This pain has become so intense I am now using pain relievers and if you know me, you know I avoid pain relievers almost all of the time.  Now, I can no longer deal with the constant pain.

Emotionally, I am tired, frustrated, angry, and although I try very hard to be cheerful in public, even that has become more of a chore!  The other day, a 90+ year old lady that lives here with s, was asking me if I was going to watch a College Football Game.   Instead of saying yes, or no, I gave her my real view of College Sports, and trust me, it is not pretty!!  Her reply was;  "I never though about it that way!"

I am also very easy to startle!  Anything out of the norm startles me and I become jumpy and defensive immediately!!  My wife has to be careful waling into the bathroom when I am in there brushing my teeth because I do not hear her moving my way and when I see her, I draw my fists up ready to fight!!

And since I live in my past and not the today, I am now overwhelmed by my failures and sins ov my past,  The circumstances of my birth and raising, the crimes of my youth, and the good and bad of my Navy career.  It seems the negatives out weigh the positives.  Or at least, that is how my mind tortures me.

Things have gotten worse and I am not sure what comes next.  There is nothing written, that I have found, that gives me a road map.  I have no one to ask, no Doctor to consult, and no association that has any help for me.  I am truly alone on an uncharted mental world.  Am I frightened?  Yes.  And I no longer find this disease interesting.

Monday, November 28, 2016

My caregiver

My wife was writing to one of her work friends back in Virginia Beach and she was describing her life.  A leader in Bible Study Fellowship, a leader in our Churches Women's Fellowship, organizing our Church Library, and working in the Library here at Azalea Trace.  I commented that she was not giving herself credit for being my full time care giver!

She looked at me like I was crazy, but think of it.  She cannot tell me to go to the store and buy this,  because I don't drive.  I cannot run errands, and if I need to go to the doctor, dentist, or anywhere else, she has to take me!  Then there are my meds!  If she does not monitor me, I forget to take them.  Not good.  Additionally, I do not know what I take, so I cannot organize my many meds.  I cannot order them, keep them straight, or deal with the pharmacy or the insurance companies.  As for our budget, forget it!  I have not dealt with that job in years.

She constantly monitors where I am, all the time.  If I stay too late at Billiards on Sunday or Wednesday night, she is checking on me.   She does leave me alone for 3 hours on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings.  but I have so much to do on those days and I am so dedicated to accomplishing those chores, she is sure I will not wander.  But if I ever do, she will never leave me alone again!

It is my opinion that my wife vastly underestimates the stress, workload, and responsibilities she has because of my LBD!  But I know what she does and I appreciate her!!

Sunday, November 27, 2016

The Starts and Fits of LBD

LBD is an interesting disease.  It does not follow a logical progression.  Instead, there are good days and bad days, good hours and bad hours.  Many times, I feel good, even connected to the world around me.  Then, just as quick, I am disconnected, agitated, angry, and disoriented.

Another thing I have learned on my journey, the downturns happen in "Steps" instead of slopes.   I will be going along on a "mental and physical plateau" , a new normal, and then, "BANG!", I drop to a new plateau.

Another thing that is maddening is that as long as I am discussing the past, I seem normal to those around me.  But "Today" is something I am not connected to and seldom discuss or even think of.  Instead, I mentally live in my past, remembering and discussing things that happened to me in the Navy and before.  Some of these events make me happy and others upset me.  But, that is where my mind lives.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Sad Day

Just over three years ago, we rescued an almost 13 year old Miniature Poodle named Cherie.  She was in bad shape!  Her human parents had died of old age and her last months with them were spend confined in a cage.  She had numerous medical issues but with the help of a great Vet, she improved.  Since then, she was our constant companion.  She immediately bonded with Marcel, our now 13 year old Miniature Poodle that has been with us a long time.

Cherie always had bladder issues due to degenerative bone disease in her spine.  She actually had 6 vertebrae that were only shadows in the X-Ray.   But, she was spry and loving.   Recently, she has spent much of her time in our bedroom, sleeping in her bed.  She has all but stopped eating, except for human food.   Her bladder issues had also increased.   And cleaning up her urine was a burden on me.  She also developed difficulties walking and climbing steps.  Her back legs caused her pain and the pain medicines the Vet gave her were not working.  She would pace much of the time and this morning she could not lay down comfortably.

This morning, we knew it was time.  So, Cherie died peacefully this morning.

She was a wonderful dog.  She will be missed.  Her passing hurts.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

The Holiday Season

Christmas and New Years have always been difficult for me.  I do not have the warm, fuzzy, emotions about this time of year.  My Christmases were filled with guilt, arguments, and my forever self questioning of why the man who was my biological father never wanted to have anything to do with me.

That being said, again, this Holiday season will be even more difficult for me.  We are getting ready to move not our one bedroom apartment, after the first of the year.  That requires some downsizing and sorting of old files, belongings, and memories.

Then, my recent blood tests for my doctor's appointment have turned p a potential issue of undetermined origin.  It seems my white blood cell count is elevated.  It may be nothing.  But, add to that a new pain in the left side of my chest when I take deep breaths, a difficulty to get that deep breath, and a history of asbestos exposure and I am sure you can see where I am a little concerned.  Now, this may be nothing, but it did come out of nowhere!

The move to the one bedroom was my idea.  We really expected to get a one bedroom apartment when we moved in, but the large two bedroom was available and we took it, knowing, it was too expensive. Then some unforeseen financial hits happened and we were very tight.  This move will prevent that from happening again, I pray.  The move is actually comforting to me, but the process if maddening and anything but smooth.   I had expected to be moved by Christmas.  But, that will not be the case.  Another frustration.

The new apartment, reminds me f the television show, "Tiny House Nation".  Yes, technically, since the apartment is 612 square feet it is not a Tiny House.   But, downsizing from 1200 to 612 square feet still requires planning, sorting, and reduction of stuff!  Once we are moved, I am sure we will be more comfortable, financially and emotionally.  

So, once again, health issues and frustration issues are driving my LBD into the limit stops.  Oh well, I will probably forget all of this sooner rather than later and all will be right in my world.  But, I thought I would let you know I why I had not written a post in a while and how I was doing.  More later.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Making Adjustments

A number of changes are happening in our lives.  Some directly related to LBD and some related to our future as it is impacted by LBD.

First, we have been on the waiting list to move to a one bedroom apartment here at Azalea Trace.  We originally moved into a 1200 sq ft two bedroom that is magnificent and expensive.  We wanted a one bedroom when we moved but nine were available.  We tried the two bedroom, but it is time to move to the one bedroom and one is now ready for us to remodel.  Not a big remodel, but some to make things the way we want them.  We will save $800 a month!

Why move?  Budget for one.  Our retirement income has dropped ever since we retired due to increased taxes, Medicare part B increases, and increases in the REAL cost of living without any COLA for four years!  So, to ensure our future financial health, we decided to make the downsizing move.

But, there are other benefits.  This big two bedroom is too much for my Wife if I am in Assisted Living/Memory Care.  And that is where I am headed, sooner than later.  So, this move to the One Bedroom will make our future easier logistically and financially.

Now, on to new LBD symptoms.  To say my memory and mental executive function is getting worse is an understatement best illustrated by the following.  I was sitting on the toilet, doing my business, when I got the urge to get up and leave the bathroom.  Mind you, I was not done doing my business!   Messy to say the least.  I actually forgot what I was going, even though it was still going on!

I have also noticed that my irregular heartbeat issue may be getting worse.  How?  I could never tell I had an irregular heartbeat by taking my own pulse.  The other day, I had my had on my until, with my legs crossed and I could feel my pulse stop and start!  It would got for a number of beats and then stop, and then start again.  Interesting.

So, things are progressing as I say.  And all the budgetary and living accommodation changes will make future financial issues easier.  Oh well, as long as I know where my coffee cup is!  

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Yesterday's post on Anger is interesting

Anger is a strong emotion and one that I can no longer process logically.   My emotions overwhelm me and I am consumed by the anger instead of the topic that made me angry.  I realize it is because of my LBD but that does not help me accept what happens.  Sometime ago, I had a similar issue when I was angry over an individuals treatment of me and I exploded!  I very nerdy got into a fist fight that may have escalated.  But, my dear Wife stepped in from of me and forced me to calm down by redirecting my anger.  She did the same thing yesterday, but getting me to write my post.

The issue I was angry about is still a point of contention for me and I believe Azalea Trace did wrong and I intend to pursue this as far as I have to to set this strait!  But, I am more calm and less emotional now and I can see the facts more clearly.  Therefore, I can now use logic to defeat the wrongdoing.

This is why I need to be in a calm surrounding without confrontation.

Monday, October 24, 2016

Azalea Trace has angered me again!

Living in a retirement community requires some consideration for others emotions and feelings.  I respect that and I know I can be abrasive sometimes.  So, I have made a concerted effort to be politically correct.   And trust me, that is a real effort on my part.  I have made no political comments during this Presidential season, and have only replied when someone in a social gathering I am in has made comments I found offensive.  And then, only replied with facts and not emotions or flame spraying.

Today, however, Azalea Trace, and ACTS Retirement, have stepped over the bounds of political neutrality and common decency.  Not to mention, they have most likely violated their 501© Tax Free status.

How, they have permitted a Hillary Political rally to be held in out Auditorium.  Now, to be fair, in magic marker, over the Political sign is "Private Party".  But, the HRC political emblem is on the sign!!  I have the photos of the sign!!

I have not posted a Trump sign or even a Trump bumper sticker.  Why, because I do not want to offend anyone in our very closed community and sow the seeds of division.

Another resident, who will go nameless, talked to our acting Executive Director, who is also the Southern Region Vice President, and was told they checked with the Lawyers and all was on the up and up.  Well, I disagree.

If, those hosting the "private party" did not pay for the use of OUR auditorium, then Azalea Trace and ACTS Inc. made a political contribution to the Hillary Campaign, in violation of their 501 © tax free status.

Azalea Trace should be a politically free zone.  Politics, especially this year, are a very emotional subject.  And emotions run deep in a small community.  I am very, very aggravated to the point of reporting this to the IRS, and possibly looking for another place to live.

I tried to talk to the Executive Director but he is not in, and I cannot find the number two or three persons.  Curious?!

I challenge Acts Corporate to reply to this subject.  I am not the  only individual upset by this issue.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Being with other Dementia warriors

I have written before about the group we started here at Azalea Trace.  It is a group of Dementia patients that get together every Thursday.  We discuss our symptoms, our problems, our victories, and our lives.  Normally, there are no caregivers there, just us!

The group is wonderful in that, although all of us have a different form of Dementia, we are all ONE in our fight against the disease that is taking our individuality away.  We are accepting of one another's issues and patient with each other as we discuss issues that effect us.

Yes, sometimes we repeat stories and problems.  So what!  We are there for each other and we have all the time we need to make sure each of us is herd and each issue is addressed.

Some other folks in the community have Dementia of one form or another, yet they wish to remain anonymous.  I guess they believe no one will know they have Dementia if they do not tell them!  I equated one admitting they have Dementia to the phrase; "Coming out of the closet".   Someone said, for the Dementia patient, "that closet door was never fully closed!"  

You cannot hide Dementia.  I believe being together, just one hour a week helps us cope with our Dementia journey because, for that hour, we do not have to pretend to be "normal" or try to hide our symptoms.  Instead we share our journey and gain strength from each other.

I hope more will join us.  For their sake and ours.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

I WASHED my cell phone today!

Tuesday is the day the cleaning staff does our apartment her at Azalea Trace.  They do a magnificent job, week in and week out.  I do some things to make their job easier each week.  I clear all the kitchen counter tops, clear the bathroom counter tops and the shower of all items.  I wash the sheets and towels and make the bed.  I have this established routine that is now almost two years old.  It works!  Or, at least it did until today.

I did not mention that my Wife has her Leaders Meeting for Bible Study Fellowship on Tuesday morning, so I am alone in this routine.Today, I threw some odds and ends laundry in with the sheets, including the cargo shorts I was wearing.  I took my belt off, my hanky out of my pants pocket, and my pocket knife out and placed all of that on the counter in our dressing area.

While I was on our land line talking with my best friend Jerry, I started to wonder where my cell phone was.  After our call, I searched all of the usual places.  Then I remembered the cargo shorts that were now in the dryer.  You know, those 5.11 shorts have real good Velcro closures on the pockets!  My cellphone was securely in one of those pockets.

It was dead.  And so are my secret dreams of being independent.  I know, you are saying, people wash their cellphones, wallets, electronic car keys, receipts and many other things not meant to be washed, all the time.  Well, I don't and I never have!  I have a set routine, a procedure, that I do things by.  I run an mental checklist on every task.  It comes from my Navy training and long time experience in Weapons!!  You either do it right or die.  Today, part of me died! 

The cell phone is not important.  The replacement was $50.  and we were moved to a new plan that reduced our monthly bill over $30!  But, I failed.  My mental checklist failed.  I lost a piece of my independence today and I lost my dream of being able to take care of myself.

In the Patric Stewart movie on Alzheimer's titled "Safe House",  Stewart plays a retired secret agent with severe information on a presidential candidate.  That candidate is trying to kill Stewart to silence him.  The day he realizes he can no longer project himself, he breaks down and cries.  Today was that day for me.

I once was a romping, stompin, Master Chief Gunner's Mate, riding Navy Combatant ships, firing rapid fire cannons, solely responsible for thousands of tons of explosives and the lives of the men who worked with me and the entire crew!  My word was law, backed by by iron clad memory of procedures, safety procedures, and operating procedures.  Now, I cannot remember to take my cell phone out of my pocket before I was he my shorts!

The LBD has been progressing and Linda and I knew it.  Today was a big drop off in my mind.  I failed a procedure and even though it was a small item, I can no longer trust myself or anyone else to my care.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Another thing

Many things upset me and send me into anger and depression.  Politics, the direction our Nation has taken, the lack of morality in out society, how people treat me, things and events from my past, and my miniature poodles peeing on the floor!!

My Wife is at Bible Study Fellowship.  I get two mornings a week alone, to do what I want.  Today, I was doing some ironing I wanted and needed to do.  Marcel stopped me and told me he needed to go out.  No problem.  Sherry, Marcel and I went out and they did their business.  I went back to ironing, something I actually enjoy, and when I was done, about 20 minutes or so after taking them out, I walked barefooted through a new puddle of pee!!

I realize both poodles are old and infirm.  I love Marcel and I have become close to Sherie since we rescued her and nursed her back to health 3 years ago, but I am tire of cleaning up dog waste!  Mostly it is Sherie, who is over 15 and has Congestive Heart Disease and Degenerative Bone disease in her lower spine.  She cannot help her accidents.   Marcel, who is almost 14 has some bladder control issues also.  He has Hypothyroidism and Congestive Heart Failure.  They both take meds for they conditions, which add to the bladder issues.

The truth is, I am overwhelmed with cleaning up after them and walking them 10 times a day.  I hate getting eaten by mosquitoes during the night walks.  And they have gotten expensive due to they medical conditions.  But the real issue is, the make me angry when they pee and poop on the floor!!

I believe, as hard as it will be, that it is time for them to be euthanized.  I will miss both of them, but I do not need to be aggravated by something I can control, but eliminating it from my life.

I will miss Marcel terribly.  He is my "Velcro Puppy"!  But, it is time.  But, when?  Today, tomorrow, Saturday?  We will see.

How I feel

Sorry for the title, but it best fits this post.

I have written before how nights are very difficult for me and for my wife because of how I am degenerating.   Much of the time, my thoughts are of running away.  Being alone, in some out of the way place, independent, with little or NO human contact!  I enjoy being alone, without the TV, radio, or music on.  I enjoy quiet!

Since I have always been a very gregarious person, who was energized by other people, this is totally out of the norm.  For those of you who are Psychologists or self-educated psychologists, I also have some self-destructive thoughts.  None I want to act on, but my emotions have been running high.

Since the recent downturn of my LBD, I have all but lost my self-esteem and self-worth.  The manner in which people treat me contributes greatly to this emotional issue.  I have commented before on the attitude that people use with me, denying that I have LBD, even though they do not know what LBD is.  I have been called a liar and even told I use a cane to get attention or sympathy.

Recently, people in the CCRC I live in have begun to tell me to be quiet!  They say I talk too much!   I will admit I enjoy talking with people and being friendly.  It seems they do not want to be friendly with me.  I will admit, I try very hard to be outgoing as I walk around the community.  But, for some reason, I have been branded persona non grata!   It appears the ones in political positions, that also do not like other handicapped individuals, now do not like me.  So be it.

But you can see how all of this adds up to a negative emotional burden.   And that is the issue.  I have read that Dementia patients, of all types, (i.e. Alzheimer's, Frontal Lobe, LBD, etc) are more comfortable when living with others effected by Dementia.  That makes perfect sense to me!  Much like the Leper of old, those of us with Dementia are considered outcasts!  It is this emotional chastisement that exacerbates our depression and social issues.

You may not believe it, but I am lonely, in a community of 500 people.  I no longer enjoy Billiards nights because of the cold shoulder I get from a couple of the men.  It is like I am contagious.  Or, maybe, they just think I am a liar or a malingerer.

If I were alone, these issues would not be there.  LBD is a difficult journey.   I wish it was over.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

My Wife is a Blessing!

I truly do not understand how my Wife deals so wonderfully with me.  Especially nights are very difficult for me!  I am angry, curt, sarcastic, grouchy, and down right mean.  When I get this way, I most often go to bed!!  But, that leaves her without me.  And, she says she enjoys my company.  I truly do not understand how she could.

I am ashamed of my attitude at night, but there is nothing I can do about it.   She is a trooper!!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

I have not written in a while! (Edit One!)

I have experienced a series of recent downturns and processing them and learning to deal with these changes has been difficult.  I sleep more than ever before including a 4 hour nap everyday and in bed by 9 PM every night.  Sleep is my escape, such as it is, since I experience very disturbing dreams that cause me to physically act these dream out.

Additionally,  I am experiencing more anger outbursts and I have great difficult controlling my emotional outbursts.  My Wife told me recently, that she appreciated my efforts to control my anger and outbursts.  That means she has observed my problems and has not told me.   Linda protects me that way.

The vision issues continue, as well as my stability issues and memory issues.  The other night, I was angry when I went to bed.  To help me deal with that anger, I searched my memory for the names of my doctors back in Virginia Beach, where I dearly wish I still lived.  I could not remember any of their names,  I started to go through the alphabet to find their names.  I could not remember the alphabet!    Truthfully, I could not sequentially go through the alphabet.  So, my memory issues are getting worse.

You can see how these issues have compounded and the result is more anxiety, anger, and frustration.  My LBD journey has sped up!

One other issue;  Both of my miniature poodles are very old.  The female is over 15 and the male is almost 14.  They both have congestive heart disease and the male has hypothyroidism.  Additionally, the female has degenerative bone disease in her spine, impacting the stability of her rear legs, and her ability to control her bladder.

Cleaning up pee is my job and I am getting overwhelmed by that responsibility.  Additionally, I am their CNA and I administer their medicines.  Both dogs have their way of making it difficult for me to give them their pills.  And that is frustrating!

I am at a decision point about their future.  I love Marcel and I love Cherie.  But they have become too much for me to deal with.  I am overwhelmed.

Things that aggravate me

First of all, I am a Constitutionalists.  I believe our Constitution was written by very smart men that lived under a totalitarian government and never wanted to do that again!   They wrote our Constitution to stand on it's own, without the intervention or interpretation of a bunch of pinheaded academia that have their own agenda in mind.  I am not ashamed of my Conservative Constitutionalists position and I will express it if the situation presents itself.  I do not condemn, berate, or talk down to American Citizens who hold another view, as long as they are respectful to me.   They have the same right to their opinion as I do to mine and they can vote their conscience as I do.

That being said, I was in the take out line here in the retirement community that I live in.  One of the staff mentioned he had been called for Federal Jury duty after serving on a State jury earlier in the year.   I told him I never have been called for Jury duty.  Maybe because I am a Life Member of the NRA and a Life Member of the John Birch Society!  The lady sitting next to me, told me, very quietly; "Don't let anyone here know you are a Conservative!  Someone might try to kill you!!"  I replied; " No one her is capable of killing me!" And I left it at that.  But, I have experienced this type of treatment here, before and so has my Wife, another NRA Life Member!

But, the incident has upset me and reinforced my opinion that the vat majority of the people that live here are left wing, socialists, that believe the Government's responsibility is to care for them and suppress anyone who disagrees with them.

So, you can see why I am aggravated and questioning the wisdom of spending $250K to live here plus $4k per month.

I have never threatened someone who disagrees with me.  I am a peaceful man by nature and I try very hard to live by the Eleventh Commandment, given by Christ before he was betrayed.  He said: "Love one another, that is how others will know you are my followers, if you Love one another."  But, I am not going to subject myself or my Wife to aggression, veiled or otherwise.  And, I know a warning when I hear one and I have taken this seriously.

How do I connect this to my LBD?   Before LBD, I had the ability to brush off fools.  I could filter my emotions and keep my cool.   I have walked away from more than one fool that threatened me and forgot them all together!  But now, the incident and the words burn into my emotions and keep me agitated.  That is what I hate.  

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

It is difficult to organize my thoughts!

I am having more and more difficulty organizing my thoughts.  Of course, this negatively impacts my ability to write this blog.  Never the less, I have issues that are important that I want to discuss.  Like this issue!

I have had a number of issues I wanted to post about, but either I cannot express them or I forget them while I am trying to compose the post.  I am even having issues writing this post because I have many different thoughts bouncing around in my mind, all conflicting with my thought process.  It seems the LBD has taken away my ability to select a single topic and express it.

In the beginning of my LBD journey, the Neurologist told me my Executive Function was broken.  If it was broken then, it is missing now!

This never ending collision of different topics, issues, storied, experiences, and dreams makes writing and communicating in general, a difficult proposition.

It also makes decision making all but impossible.  Think about this;  If I want to ass 2 plus 2 in my mind, before i come up with the answer, a thousands issues related to the number 2 in any form, the addition process, and anything  else that lives in my brain, collide with my thought process.  For instance, I has how many addresses with the number 2 in them, I had a 2 year extension in the Navy when I was on my first enlistment, how may people do I know who had two kids, what were their names, we used to have 2 cars, We had 2 car payments a couple of times, I used to have a 2 cylinder motorcycle, I wish I had another motorcycle, I don't even drive anymore!  See how this can impact a simple addition equation?!

It is like that in my mind, all the time!  It effects everything I do or think about.  This mental confusion and overload makes everything in my life more difficult and frustrating.  Not to mention, that is makes learning anything new or coming up with a logical conclusion or decision all but impossible.

LBD is no longer interesting, it is frightening.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

I have a cold, or something!

I have a rather serious, chest congestion, cold, or an allergy issue, or the flu, or Zika, since i have been bitten by many Florida mosquitos.  Whatever it is, I am congested, have post nasal drip, lots of flame that I am choking on.  In a nutshell, I am miserable.

I brig this up, because breathing is important and choking is akin to aspiration.  And aspiration is the number one cause of death for LBD patients.   So, I am sensitive to this issue.

Now, do not get me wrong, death does not cause me any fear of consternation.  I am ready to go home and I welcome the change of address!!  

But, the truth of the matter is, being in the late third quarter of a four quarter disease, death is always on my mind and always a constant possibility.

Just the same, I try to take care of myself as does my Wife.  But chest congestion always results in coughing until I pass out!   And that is true misery.  Happily, my bed is adjustable so I can raise my head to help with the mucous.   And hot tea also cuts the mucous, so I am drinking plenty of hot tea.  

I have not had this in awhile.  Truthfully, I do not remember the last time.    But, I do know it is going to be a long night!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

!! FLASH !! The spray to kill Zika mosquitos is NEUROTOXIC!!

It is 1:38 in the morning and I cannot sleep.  So, I am up surfing the WEB and I found an article on the spraying to kill the Zika mosquitos.  And low and behold, after a few research attempts, I discover that the chemical they are spraying is NALED.

NALED is a organophosphate chemical that is very toxic and can cause death.  But, it is also Neurotoxic and has the same side effects as Trichressylphosphate.  TCP is the chemical that caused my Lewy Body Dementia!  And the OSHA Fact Sheets say NALED causes memory loss, confusion, depression and loss of coordination, among other neurological issues.  Oh, and it kills bees, birds, and other wildlife.  Oh, and it can be fatal if inhaled, swallowed, or absorbed in the skin.  And, clothing heavily exposed to NALED must be destroyed.  And, clothing exposed to NALED must be washed separately.

NALED is a Organophosphate and the word "Phosphate" is the key.  Just like the chemical in Mil-F-17111, the hydraulic fluid me, and thousands of Gunner's Mates breathed in, absorbed through our skin, and swallowed, for decades.

If I were you, I would do some research on this one.  Do not take my word for it!!  But, the information is out there, at least for the moment.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

The FIRST meeting!

Thanks to my Wife's tenacious work, and unrelenting push, we had our FIRST meeting of the Dementia Patients Support Group.  There were three of us and a couple of nervous caregivers at the kick off meeting.  It was very productive and I was very encouraged that the Dementia Patients are so open about this personal issues.  We now have reserves a private room to meet in and plan to meet every Thursday.  My Wife is working on getting a Facilitator from Covenant Care or the Alzheimer's Association to help with this group.  Today, I served as the facilitator and that is not how I would like this to go in the future.  But for now, I am very happy to fill in this position just because I am so dedicated to building this much needed support group.

I was very encouraged at how fast we began to bond as a group.  If you have had any group dynamics training, you know there are four stages to group development;  Form, Storm, Norm, Perform.  Well, we quickly jumped to Norm today.  We were open about what we expected from the group and how each of us wanted the group to meet our needs.  From those expectations, we found a private room, set up future meeting dates and times, and even started to build an expectation of 24/7 group help.

I am sure future meetings will explore more personal issues and needs.  But today was a wonderful start.  We have also learned that ACTS is planning some Dementia Care expansions for the near future that will help the generation of Dementia Patients after us.  And maybe even some of us.  This was exciting news and I am encouraged to hear of these plans.

Caring for Dementia Patients and their loved ones is an evolving process because of the nature of the disease and the new drugs and treatments available.  Also, dementia is being discovered in individuals earlier in the disease, enabling earlier treatment.  More is being learned in how to house, live with, and encourage the dementia patient.

But, there is still the difficulties of changing personalities, inappropriate actions, and the mental loss of our loved one.  So, treatment and care will continue to change and improve foe the foreseeable future.  I remember, when my Father in Law had Alzheimers in the late 1980's.  To deal with his wandering, they tied him in a chair, all day!  Now, we have leg bracelets that set off an alarm if the patient wanders out of the safe area!  This are better!!  And they will continue to get better until there is a cure!!

Again, thanks to the folks that made the first meeting.  We welcome others and expect some other members next week.   Our group will grow and our ability to help each other will expand.  We share a common enemy, Dementia.  And while we cannot defeat it, we can help each other deal with the effects of Dementia.  That is our goal.  More later.

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Dull, disconnected, and lost

Many people ask me how I am doing.  My standard answer is; "I am progressing".  And that is a true answer, but not totally accurate.  I have written recently that I have entered a new, phase of LBD.  One more difficult than the past.  This is the REAL LBD!  The past has been the warm up!

Mentally, I now feel completely disconnected from the world around me.  Everything seems distant and no connected to me.  I have little interest in most things.  Things seem dull to me!  Not "Dull" like boring, but dull, to my senses!  No excitement or enjoyment.  Everything is a burden to do.  I have lost my zest for life!

There is nothing I want to do and few things I will do.  My Wife has me participating in some exercise classes here at Azalea and they are good.  But if she did not take me, I WOULD NOT go!  Yes, I understand they are good for me, but what's the purpose?  I guess that is a reflection of the depression I am dealing with.

I now know everything I deal with before in this journey was "Kid's Play"!  It served to soften me up, like a boxer uses body punches to weaken the opponent.  Now, the real punches come when I am at my weakest and I cannot endure them.

Our Pastor who is a wonderful Pastor, Teacher, and friend, sat down beside us before Church last Sunday and asked me about the new issues I was experiencing and I could not remember any of them!  Linda had to fill him in!!  I guess that is a good part of LBD, I forget the things that bother me.

Another issue.  We were walking down a hallway for exercise last evening and I saw a cat, that frightened me!  I was physically and emotional scared!  It turned out to be s stuffed animal, but it frightened me, twice!!  This is getting ridiculous.

So, LBD is now winning!  And try as I might, I know I am not going to win or break even!  And I know the fight from now on will be a difficult, loosing battle.  I hope it is a short one!

Friday, August 26, 2016

Why should I do it?!

My Wife and I would like Azalea Trace to start a Dementia Patients Support Group.  They have a Caregivers Support Group facilitated by Covenant Care that covers all caregivers.  But, I recommended to Management a Support Group for those with Dementia to help us share experiences of the journey that will help each other deal with early and mid level Dementia.  I also recommended tours of Assisted Living and Skilled Care including meals in those facilities, and tours of the rooms and even day stays in these areas to get us accustomed to the facilities so that when we HAVE to move, it is not a shock to us!

A recent article in "Neurology Now" discusses Alzheimer's Cafe" that provide a place for Alzheimer's Patients to meet, without the worry of trying to be "Normal".  My idea of the "Support Group" is similar.  But, management has not moves on this and my Wife has pushed me to start the group on our own.   I have two Dementia patients ready to meet, but we have received some PUSH BACK from the established resident representative.

My question is, why do I have to organize this group?  If Azalea Trace's organizational goal is to be the BEST, then I would think they would have already read the article I quoted and They would be setting this group up!  Not to mention that my Wife and I told the Executive Director, Nursing Director, and Staff Chaplain about my idea, over three months ago, with NO action!   They all said it was a good idea, but no one took action.

So, I am dragging my feet because I do not want the pressure of setting this up and getting frowned at by some "Normal" residents.  And, I do not want to be in charge of this group.  I want the benefit and not the lead!  I am the patient here!!  Not the Doctor, Psychologist, or caregiver.  I need the help!!  So, here I am.  Without a Support Group and under the gun!!


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Today, someone actually cared!

Here at Azalea Trace, we have many opportunities to volunteer.  For instance, when the Staff Chaplain needs someone to fill in for a Service or Bible Study, I help out.   Well, our annual fun raising event for the fund that helps those who outlive they savings takes place in October.  One of the Committee members had me in mind for an assignment, but, that individual knew I had LBD.  Instead of asking me to volunteer, that very thoughtful individual called my Wife and asked Her if I would be overwhelmed by the assignment they had in mind for me!

Someone actually took into consideration my condition!  This is the first time this has happened with the exception of my Wife, our best friends Jerry and Marcia, and my Son.  I am sitting here, many hours after that telephone call to my Wife, surprised and happy that someone finally considered my disease.  I feel like I have been accepted!  Someone actually cares that I have Lewy Body Dementia!!  I will say it again, this is the first time this has happened!!

My Wife and I have decided to do the assignment together, to lesson the impact on me while still permitting us to serve this very important event.  

I can actually tell you I am happy!  

Monday, August 22, 2016

The right to be the way I am

I read an article in "Neurology Now" about communities and Memory Care facilities setting up areas for Dementia patients to socialize where they do not have to feel embarrassed or self-conscience of the disabilities they are experiencing.  I thought, what a great idea.  A place where I can be the way I am, without embarrassment or retribution!!

Forgetting words, loosing thoughts, forgetting names, and even getting sleepy, when I am in a discussion is embarrassing!!  I used to be know in the Gunner's Mate community as a person with near total recall.  Now, I forget my Wife's name!!   And that IS embarrassing.

The other embarrassing thing is having my memory work perfectly when I am with people that know I have LBD!  Yes, that IS embarrassing because it makes them say; "See, there's nothing wrong with you!!"  And then I am on the defense about my diagnosis.

I would love a place that permitted me to be me!  Me with all my issues, foibles, and faults.  To be free to be the way I am with no fear of someone's indignation or judgement.  And trust me, people DO JUDGE ME!!  I have heard, too many times; You don't have dementia!  

Friday, August 12, 2016

Living each day, one at a time!

I certainly hope my family reads this blog, because it is going to become my new life's motto.  I intend to live each day, one day at a time.  I will no longer clutter my life with plans, budgets, dreams, or expectations!  Instead, each day will unfold in the manner God has planned!  I will no longer care or bother myself over money, bills, or the future.  I have no future and I have done all I can to ensure my Wife's future.  There is nothing else I can do!!   So, why worry or fret about it!  And I won't, anymore!

Today was a day of my Wife's scurrying around trying to meet other people's expectations, trying to make the world fit into her mold, and trying to get me to engage in her busy life.  Hey, I have dementia, remember!!  I like quiet solitude, slow motion, and serenity.

When we still lived in Virginia, my Neurologist gained a new partner.  This new Neurologist specialized in Dementia's.  She asked me if I had come to terms with my disease, and I assured her I had.  She then said, very boldly; "Bullshit!"  She was right, then.  I was still trying to be "normal" and to meet every one's expectations of me.  Now, that I am in the beginning of the fourth quarter of my LBD game, I actually HAVE dealt, fully, with my disease.   I understand where I am going the rest of my LBD game and I fully understand the end is death.

So, living each day, one day at a time is a way for me to live with less stress, less fuss, and less anger.  Everyone who depended on me to solve their problems, will have to solve your own problems from now on!  If I knew the solutions, the stress of addressing them would still drive me over the edge.  And, since I know I probably do not have your solutions, trying to help you hurts me!  So, you're on your own!!

A long time ago, I was a rabid football fan.  I was watching a game with a team I supported and they were doing badly.  I was yelling and cussing at the television and my Wife turned the television OFF!!  I asked her, loudly, why she did that!  She asked me: "Do you think they are listening to you?"   Get the point!!  Me getting angry and upset over things I cannot control, makes no sense at all.

So, please help me live the rest of my life, one day at a time! 

Note:    Obviously no one close to me read this post! 15 Aug 2016 @ 1922

Please QUIT saying I am "High Functioning"!!

People close to me say I am still "High Functioning".  They say I do not look like I have dementia.  They even say only I know I have LBD!  Nothing could make me more angry!!

I applied for and was granted a "Disability" retirement from Civil Service because I could no longer remember how to do my job!  Social Security granted me "Disability" retirement.  At NO TIME did I use an attorney to fill out any of these forms or applications.  I filled them out, had my Neurologist fill out the medical issues and submitted them!!  They were approved, first time in!

Look folks, I have Lewy Body Dementia, ad I will no get any better, any time!!  And just because YOU can't seal with my condition does not mean I do not have it!!

Please give me the common courtesy to admit I am ill and in a diminished state.  I am sick and tired of trying to hold myself up to your expectations!!  If you cannot accept my condition, then leave me alone!!  You "Rose Colored" assessment of m medical condition is neither wanted or correct.

Just leave me alone!  And stop trying to make me feel better.  It only upsets me, as you should be able to see.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Covenant Care, Pensacola; Virtual Dementia Tour

Today my wife took the Virtual Dementia Tour at Covenant Care, Pensacola, Florida.  This is an amazing, much needed, service to caregivers of Dementia patients of any type.  They used googles, mittens, headphones, noises, pads on her feet, and confusing instructions to simulate what I experience every minute of everyday.   Evidently it was effective because she said she felt like she was in a "Fog" and she felt inadequate!   Those words describe the life of a Dementia patient.

I would like to THANK Covenant Care for offering this service and I encourage everyone who is close to any Dementia patient to seek out this experience.  It will help you understand your loved one!!

Neurologist's visit

I had my six month visit with my Neurologist today.  I like my Neurologist.  He cares!  But I was surprised today because I was greeted by a Nurse Practitioner.  She was informed, up to date on LBD and she cared!  Both Linda an I were impressed!

These visits are a maintenance requirement.  Much like oil changes for a new car.  I need to be seen by the Neurologist  to continue my drugs, which have slowed the progression of my memory loss.  However, those drugs are loosing their power and things have progressed, as I have written before.  Also, my physical issues have continued to get worse.   The Nurse Practitioner did may of the familiar physical checks, and I noticed my strength diminishing.   As I said, she is good.

I also provided my usual list of symptoms, problems, and things that have become worse.  I believe this helps the Doctor help me and in this case, it was very good.  She read my list before coming into the room and was ready to ask me questions.  This helped my appointment be more productive.  But, that is a relative statement.   What can be done that has not been done before.   I am a science experiment and I accept that.

Thursday, August 4, 2016

I have a new caregiver, of sorts

I have recently developed a feeling, or a belief, that there is another woman that comes to our apartment and has authority over me.  This new woman is never really here but I have the perception she was JUST here.  I usually have this perception when I am going to sleep and in that awake or nearly asleep area of my mind.

This perception is much like me spending half my day trying to mentally complete a project that came to me in my sleep.  normally, it takes most of my waking day to realize I am trying to complete something I dream about.  The dream is not always readily apparent to me so the project becomes VERY REAL! 

That is how this new authoritarian woman is.

I still have my "projects" that I can never quite get the handle on.  They frustrate me and make me feel like I am not doing enough.  But this new "Woman" issue is very upsetting for me and my Wife.  I wonder how this will play out?

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Staying home is best

We had to go out today, to visit a friend in the hospital.  Then we had to go to the FEDEX store.  Then, my Wife wanted to explore some more Pensacola streets.  The traffic congestion, crazy drivers, mixed with my vision issues and endless searches for a Post Office that is no where close to where the Internet says it is, a typical issue here in East Lower Alabama, I was angry, grouchy, jumpy, and ready to scream!!

I have found before our trip and DEFINITELY after the trip, that I need to stay in my cocoon at home.  I do OK going to the Commissary on the Azalea bus on Friday. The inside of the bus is familiar, I am with people I know, and I recognize the Commissary when I get off the bus.  The driver is a caring gentleman that is friendly. So, those outings go pretty well.

I just need to feel safe, in familiar surroundings, and not rushed, to be on my best behavior.   Riding in the car, with cars seemingly so close I can touch them, is more that I can or want to deal with anymore.  If you are the caregiver of a Dementia patient, this may explain some of his/her issues.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Vision Issues

The other day, I was walking down the hallway in our building and the floor appeared to be slanted to the right.  The walls on the right side were longer than the walls on the left side of the hall.  It did not impact my walking, just how I saw the hallway.

I wrote before, I think, about my issues with my left eye moving an entire column of items to the right of the screen of my computer and then back to the left.  I have had that occur again, only with my right eye.

Also, during our trip, when we were on the road, if I looked down and then looked up, if a car was in front of us, it would appear collision close!!  I actually screamed a couple of times.

This issue is increasing and starting to cause me concern.   I am sure it is related to the LBD and I am equally sure there is nothing that can be done.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Anger and frustration issues

I wish that I could vent off my anger and frustration.  I am presently angry over a number of issues and this, coupled with the impact of the trip, have placed me in an emotionally compromised condition. That is a nice way of saying I am angry as hell, on the verge of crying, and unable to deal with anything confronting me.  I want to scream, cry, and run away.

The issues are only important to me, the effect of those issues on me impacts my Wife as well as me.  I hope this will run it's course, soon.

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Long Term Care insurance premium EXPLOSION!!

We received a letter from John Hancock Insurance, the company that OPM uses to run out Long Term Care Insurance.  We have had this policy for 15 years.  In November, our premiums will increase almost $200 per month!!  In my case, it goes from $123/month to $308/month.  My Wife's increase is similar!!

We have note received a COLA in three years.  Our Taxes have cost of living have increased due to fuel and food costs.  So, since we have been retired, our income has declined every year.  Now, this big hit!

I thought the idea of purchasing Long Term Care Insurance when we were younger, was that we paid less for a longer period.  Like life insurance.  But, it seems, the rules have changed.  I believe the Socialist Government's idea is to have all of us dependent on welfare!  Then that can tell us what to do.

I am beside myself with anger and confusion.

Caregiver coping

When I have taken a turn for the worse, or my symptoms have become more apparent, I have noticed my Wife busies Herself with a long, drawn out project.  This busyness diverts her attention from me and my condition to what ever the new or old project, that just has to be done, catches her attention.  Right now, it is her family mementos cook book.

Oh well, it keeps her mind off of a difficult situation.  Whatever works.

Monday, July 25, 2016

Recovering from the trip

Today is the second day home from our 3000 mile trip.  And, we had to deal with my long time miniature poodle, Marcel's, illness.  He has been sleeping and disinterested in food or anything else.  He is uneven on his feet and looks bad.  We went to the Vet today and found out his Heart Murmur is worse and he was dehydrated.  We got some new heart medicines and a saline IV.  He is resting well and was even able to walk some of the distance from the car.  Just the same, the Vet was honest in her assessment that Marcel has serious heart issues that will not get better.

Both Linda and I are upset about his condition.   He has been our friend and companion for over 11 years.  But, his end will come soon and I will be depressed.

Then there was the television issue.  It would not work!  No signal.  The telephone assist did not help so we got an insight tech assist.  That resolved the issue, except my external sound system.  So, I am on television speakers since I cannot figure it out!     Heck, I cannot figure out how to zip my zipper half the time.

My condition has been negatively impacted by Marcel's condition and the stress of the trip.  Everything is foggy and disconnected for me.  I do not want to be around people because if I am, I have to try to "be normal" and I just do not have the desire or ability to "be normal".  Will this get better?  Honestly, I do not know.  Furthermore, I really and truly do not care!!

So, that is where I am at this time.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

A step too far

My Wife and I have just returned from a two week, automobile trip, to see the Ark, my sister in Cleveland, and my Wife's 95 year old cousin in Iowa.  To say that almost 3000 miles in the car was tiring would be an understatement.  But keeping myself in a near constant state of "Showtime" was far more demanding and is taking a far greater toll on my mental and physical state.

The "Ark" is a fabulous reproduction of Noah's Ark.  It just opened 7 July and it is still a work in progress.  But the "Ark" is complete and mesmerizing.

From there, we drove to Cleveland, a 4 hour drive up Interstate 71.  When we got to my Sister's home, she was not there and was not answering her cell phone.   As w looked around her home for a clue, the Landlord came out and told us she was in the Hospital.  She got sick at a restaurant the frequent and was taken to the Hospital.  She and her older Son thought it was he "sugar" but it turned out to be a bad, newly found, case of colitis.  She stayed in the Hospital for all of our visit and a total of a week!  She is now home, with visiting nurses and home rehab.   We did have a good time with my Nephew and his wife.  It was great to catch up with them.

So, we left for Iowa, a two day drive across Interstate 80.  At this point, I should tell you, my Wife did all the driving!!    Her Second Cousin knew he Father when he came to America from Germany in 1927.  He worked on her Father's farm and then joined the U.S. Army.  This Cousin is 95, till lives alone, independently, with some great help from her neighbors, but cooks, cleans, shops, and goes to Church every week!!  Some of the other cousins came over on Wednesday and we had a good time.  But, during these times like in Cleveland and in Iowa, I was constantly trying to be "Normal".  On the last day in Iowa, I was all out of "Normal" and became very abrupt, grouchy, and hard to deal with.  Friday morning, a day early, we headed home, a three day trip!

This entire trip started as a trip to the "Ark".but grew because, as long as we are there, we should visit my Sister and then the Cousin.  We both knew this would be a step too far, but we had to do it.  Both of the relatives we visited we had not seen in 2 years and they are in no shape to travel.  So, we tried it.  And now, for the rest of the story.

I am beat.  I am disoriented. I am angry and frustrated.  I am having great difficulty controlling my emotions.  My mental capabilities seem to be not working too well.  I cannot find the right words, but the most entertaining part is how my depth perception is effected.  Every time a car got close to us I screamed, squirmed in my seat, told Linda to "look out", and in general, I was very uncomfortable.  As for my wife, she thinks I am a bad passenger!!  She's right.

Another issues in my 13 year old poodle, Marcel, is very upset over me being gone.  He is moping, won't eat, and is depressed!  Believe it or not, his coat is not entirely gray!!  I did not expect this impact on him.  The 15 year old female, Cherie, is doing well, but Marcel is a basket case and I am worried I may loose him.  I am actually forcing him to sit with me instead of in his dog bed.

All in all, I wish I had not made the trip.  It was way too much for me.  And it has been stressful for my Wife.  Let alone the fact that she is waiting for the other shore to drop with me.  She is watching how I react, and how I recover from the trip.   Again, I should never have made this trip.  We should have gone to the "Ark" and back.  Or maybe, no trip at all.    

I think, no, I know, this will be my last trip.  We saw, while they are still alive, two relatives that are precious too us.  The reality is, I cannot travel and return the same as I was when I left.   That is the reality of LBD and any other form of Dementia.  I need to be in my safety net, my cocoon, for my mental and physical well being.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

The reality of LBD verses someone's desires for my lif

People tell me;  You are doing very well and you will live another 15 or 20 years!  When I know, and anyone who understands LBD, I am not going to live 5 more years!  And your telling me I will live 20 years will not make it happen and it only angers me.

Let's look at the facts.  If I did live 10, 15, 20, more years, what mental and physical shape would I be in?  I need/require a cane to walk now.  My legs refuse to move when I first get out of a chair.  I stumble and fall.  I wet and soil myself from time to time.  I choke on saliva, food, coffee, and air!  I don't know what day it is.  I am unable to have sex.  I have no interest in anything.  So, why would I want to live 20 more years?  Just because YOU want me too?

Every night, I confess every sin I can think of.  Why, because I am not sure if I will wake in the morning.  Every night, I feel like it will be my last night!  And I am OK with that.  I have actually prayed for God to call me home, soon.   I do not look forward to fighting this fight indefinitely.

I understand the desire to have those we love with us as long as we live.  How many of us wish our Mom or Dad were still alive?  Or an older brother, a Shipmate, or a long time friend that died, too early for our planning.   But if that loved one had a terminal disease, what was their desires?  Live or die?  I miss Mom and Dad, but they had cancer and the pain and suffering were rough on them.   So, death stopped their suffering.

I am now beginning to suffer, physically and mentally.  And that is only going to increase, not decrease, no matter what your selfish, well meaning, wishes are for me.

Instead of hanging onto unrealistic desire, why not try to help me now, to enjoy the days I have.  That is the best wish I have.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

I continually learn more about LBD

Today at lunch, I choked and aspirated.  It was a minor event and I got through it.  I also had a very heavy feeling in my chest, like my esophagus was clogged.  This frightened me and I started to look for an answer.

One of the other bloggers had the answer.  In their posts, I saw the word "Dysphagia".  I did some research on that word and "Bingo"  I had the answer.  Chocking, unable to control food or saliva in my mouth, heavy feeling in my throat, aspirating, all things I have and have had for a while.  So now I know.

I have an appointment with my Neurologist sometime this summer so I will bring this up to him.   Since this is a later term LBD issue, it fits with the position my wife and I believe I am at in the progression of this disease.

This is a degenerative, neurological disease that leads to death.  I will not get better, only worse.  Everyone should know that.  I do.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Lost, in my own home

I just woke up from a nap, and I had one of my upsetting dreams.  I was lost in a large, never ending, always changing, apartment complex.  There were no particular threats, but I was carrying a large, heavy box of ammo.   Every door I went through took me t a different climate and landscape.  It was upsetting and unnerving.  I woke up abruptly because my female miniature poodle, now 15 years old, wanted out and wanted company.

Now, with my wife up, I still feel lost and unconnected from my own apartment.  Everything is where it is supposed to be, but it is unfamiliar also.

What does this all mean?   Got me.  My wife is busy planning a trip we are taking in 12 days, so that may be part of it.  Whatever it is, I am upset and unsettled.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Turning inward

Last night, my Wife and I had a very good, productive, honest discussion about where I am and where I am going in my LBD journey.  She said, and after some reflection, I agreed, that I have now turned mentally inward.  This categorically documents a serious progression in my disease.

Not only do I NOT want or seek outside activity or contact.  I am overwhelmed and agitated by outside contact and activity.  I am only comfortable within comfortable, familiar, surroundings, and only when socializing with people that I consider safe and comfortable.

For instance; Riding in the car, in city traffic, is terrifying to me!!  I flinch and jump when cars come close to us or cross our path.  I urgently instruct my wife to STOP for red lights, well before we arrive at them.

Also, I need to be with people that I don not feel a requirement to "Act Normal" with.   Trust me, that list is very short.  Yes, I still "Show Time" or at least try to, when we are with people or I pass people in the hall.  I try to put on a "Happy Face" for others.  Especially since they tell me I am not sick anyway!

I truly do not care about the world around me.  When I think about the present world, I get very angry and upset.   I do not like change and that is the theme of our world today.

Again, this inward turn is something I know would come, but to be told by the one person I trust and KNOW  has my best interest at heart, made me see the change.  It shook me at first, but after our conversation, I now understand where I am and where I am going.

From now on, I will turn more and more into myself mentally.  I already have many, out loud, conversations with myself.  In these inner discussions, I present both arguments, passionately.  I then come to a conclusion, that may or may not be based in reality and fact.  That conclusion then has the weight of reality!  And it remains with me as a fact.

It has been a rough couple of weeks, or months.  The fall seems fast and precipitous and I have not found a place to grab on and slow my fall.  There seems to be no one or nothing for me to grab onto for help.  Much like those childhood dreams of falling when you were asleep.  Falling and falling, but never stopping until you awake.  But I will never wake up!  I know that now.  Just falling.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Dealing with life...

I have tried to stay connected with life.  I interact with people on the Internet and in person.  I write two active blogs and address issues that impact me and my Navy career.  I have done my best to stay current, involved, and dedicated to what I believe in as a Christian and as a Warrior.

Recently, it has become very evident that my mental filters are negatively impacting my ability to interact with people in a polite, respectful, manner.  Linda and I knew this was coming and we knew my experiences with LBD were getting worse.  It is apparent i many ways but socially, it is very apparent in how I react to situations and things people say in person, on the Internet, and on the television.

You may know that I no longer watch politics or most news shows.  The impending death of America is too difficult for me to deal with.  Many times, people say things that I react with more anger and fire than I should.  But, the mechanisms that used to control my emotions are now broke.

I can also see the stress on Linda as she tries to deal with the progression of my disease while keeping me as involved in life as she thinks is good for me.  This is always a changing situation.

Even the way I react to the normal actions of our aging miniature poodles is different.   Their needs for food, going out, or licking, constantly upset me and stress me.

I am no longer he self-confident man I once was.  Instead, every noise, every motion, darkness, even conversation, impact me in a negative way.  It is not that those things are different of directed at me in a negative way.  Instead, it IS how my LBD effected brain is processing those stimulants.  And this is where I am having terrible issues.

I honestly never expected this to be as bad as it has become.

So, what happens next, is a mystery.  And while I used to say the changes of LBD were interesting.  I now know they are frightening.

LBD Friends

I received a comment from a dear lady who has traveled the complete LBD journey with Her Husband.  She wrote an exceptional Blog describing all the events and emotions of that journey and we all owe her debt of gratitude.  I wrote a post about the Angst of my journey and she replied with her sentiments that reached my heart.  When I am at my lowest, I write, and someone is there to help me.  I love this community and the beautiful people that make it special.

Thanks Kathy!  I pray you are doing well.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

The angst of my LBD journey is increasing

If you are a regular reader of my blog, it is apparent that I am having more and more issues with LBD.  I am more angry, more distracted by noises and things around me, and more reclusive.  The new vision issues just make things worse.  My memory is even worse.  Yesterday, I saw the lady that fill sour drug prescriptions on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  I asked her what she was doing here today?  She informed me it was her normal day, Wednesday, to be here!  I truly did not know it was Wednesday.  I am not connected to daily life at all.

Others may not see my condition worsening, but I do.

New vision issues

Today, I was looking at my computer screen and a column of symbols started to move from the left side of the screen to the right side and then back!!  This was only observed in my left eye.  This is a strange new occurrence.

I have also had increasing difficulty seeing print.  I have to make the print very large on the screen to make out the letters.  So, it seems the Lewy Bodies have found a new place to mess with!!

I no longer read books or magazines because of the print.  My computer gives me the ability to increase the print so I can see it.  But the moving left column is a new challenge.  I will track that.

How I am treated by others

I just had a discussion about my perceptions on how others treat me.  I truly did not want to have that conversation and I did not go as far as I want or need too, because I do not want an argument.  It is not healthy for me to get aggravated to angry.  Trust me.  But her point is others do not see me as I do or as she now does.  OK, I am will ing to admit that most people are self-centered, blind, idiots!

If I tell you I have LBD, and I take all the Alzheimer's drugs at a BIG cost, don't you think I have LBD.  And if you knew me before you would know I would NEVER give up my driving privileges willingly.  Nor would I sit around with nothing t do and be happy.  Nor would I take 4 hours naps followed by going to bed at 7 PM on a regular basis.  I used to be energized by crowds and now, I cannot stand to be with more than a few people at once. Would I use a cane?  How about falling down.   Every thing about me has changed!  And people that know me think I am faking this disease!!

When I tell people about my symptoms they tell me they have the same issues, but stye are worse than mine!!  OK, where is your Doctor's prescription for Named, Arecept, Razadyne, Effexor, and other psychotropic drugs?  Look folks, this is  not a rash.  It is a degenerative, neurological, disease that is killing me!!

No, I am angry about the manner than people treat me.  I understand it is part of my disease to have these issues.  But, no one else seems to understand me.  Maybe they just do not care.  And by the way, I wanted to interject some strong Navy Master Chief language into this post.  But, I didn't.  Lucky for you.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

A virtual tour of Dementia

Covenant Care here in Pensacola is holding a Virtual Dementia Tour, for caregivers and relatives of Dementia Patients.   Their telephone number is 850 202 0928.  The contact person is  Audrey Wippler.

The reasons I bring this up are multiple.  First of all, no one, except us who have Dementia, know what it is like.  I try to relate m experiences to those who read this blog.  But, even my attempts miss the mark.  Second, doing something in the virtual world should appear more real to the person and therefore more shocking.  And that is what Dementia is to the perception of the Dementia patient, shocking!!

My wife is signed up for one of the experiences.  I hope others close to me will sign up too.  And I hope this experience will be made available in other cities.  After all, if it is available in a backwoods, hick town like Pensacola, a big city like Virginia Beach should have it also!!  Did I tell you I hate Pensacola?

People stay away from me

A tender touch, rustling my hair, a hug or kiss, an intimate conversation, all seem to be things of the past.  Visitors are few.  If I want contact with people, I have to initiate it.  And truthfully, I am not in the mood to beg for anything!

Look folks.  LBD is not contagious!  It is not like the flu, hepatitis, or scabies.  It is not a sexually transmitted disease.  If I kiss you, you will not get it like mononucleosis.  If we make love, you will not get LBD like the Clap!

It seems the things I want the most I get the least.  This drives me deeper into depression ad isolationism.  I am alone in a crowd of bodies that want to avoid me.  I am ignored, avoided, and shunned by almost anyone that knows I have this disease.

My bed is my refuge.  Sleep is my friend.  The things that once entertained me now enrage me.  No one knows or understands how I feel and their actions tell me they do not care and do not really want to know.

There are a couple of friends that are always there for me.  But, they have their lives too and they live far away.  Florida is a prison for me.  LBD is the death sentence.

Friday, June 24, 2016

Unable to control thoughts

I am loosing control of my thought process.  I obsess on negative thoughts that probably are not true, but may be.  This is a new issue, so my mind vacillates between the thought being true and the thought being false.  I am unable to change the thought process and defer to something less stressful that I like and have no personal capital in.  I am reticent to give you the topic of my consternation, but it is personally upsetting.   I realize I am progressing into unknown mental territory.  But, I am also unequipped to deal with this alone.   I have done some Internet searching with little help.

I the past, before LBD, I could change my thoughts to different topics and relieve the frustration.  Or, I could use facts to defeat the negative thoughts.  Neither of these processes seem to work now.  It is curious how my mind confuses itself and me.  It is frustrating to loose the life coping tools that served me so well all my life.

I have done some more research and I will not tell anyone what my issue is because they will use it against me.  It seems this is a larger issue with LBD patients and therefore, I will try harder to deal wit it only own.  I need to be strong and stay in control of my thought process.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Live or die

Literally, that is a decision I face everyday.  I see talk about the number of Veterans that commit suicide everyday.  Nobody really cares if the Veterans commit suicide!  As a matter of fact and action, the Veteran's Administration is glad we are committing suicide!

Yes, the VA and the Military help Officers.  But the common Enlisted Man is a burden to the government and they would much rather we just shut up, and die quietly.

I cannot get any assistance from my Congressman on my VA appeal, even though he is the Chairman of the house Sub-Committee for Veteran's Affairs!!  Why, be cause I am not a Flag Officer and he does not care.  I am a burden.

But, this post is more than my complaints about how our Government treats us and sees us.  It is about the fact that everyday is worse.  I cannot see any way out.  I cannot make any decisions that will change how my life progresses.  So, I am in a hopeless position.   Hopeless because I cannot change my status, effect my condition, or do what I want to do.  I am in the same status as a child.  Dependent on others for everything.  Since I was 16, I could get in my car, go somewhere alone, and do something.  Even as a married man, I had time to go do things with friends.  Shooting competitions, gun shows, boat shows, car shows.  No more, and no one to go with.

I am not suicidal, but I an no longer interested in living either.  I do not see any joy in life.   Only decreasing existence leading to even more debilitating issues.  Life offers nothing exciting, enjoyable, or challenging.  The only bright point is, at some point I will not know I am in as bad a condition as I am.  Now there is a bright spot!  Come on Dementia.

I think every Dementia patient deals with this.  I believe it would be better if I was with other Dementia patients and with people that accepted me as I am.  Instead, people continually tell me I am not sick, the doctor's were wrong, and you are fine.  Treatment like that does not encourage me to live.  I makes me feel worthless.  Te same way the VA makes me feel.  I have been a throw away person since I was born.  According to the Government I served for 40 years, I still am.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Home is NOT the best place for a Dementia patient!!

As you may know, we live in a Continuing Care Retirement Community.  This is a wonderful community with some great people.  We live in Independent Living with people that are anywhere from fully independent to needing full time help and probably need to be in Assisted Living or even Skilled Care.  I have also written before that I feel more comfortable with other Dementia patients than I do with non- Dementia patients.   Well, tonight I saw one of those commercials for the home care giver industry tell you the best place for your Dementia patient is at home!  That made me decide to write this post.

I expend inordinate amounts of energy, everyday, to look and act normal.  When looking normal and acting normal is the worst thing for me!!   I play billiards on Sunday and Wednesday night and those two hours are exhausting!  I enjoy the fellowship and playing billiards but two hours is all I can stand!!

Being with other Dementia patients is relaxing.  We all have the same issues and we all understand how we deal with those issues.  Our community is offering a course for Dementia caregivers to experience how Dementia patients see life.  I am not sure if they use computers, virtual reality, or movies, but my Wife is signed up1  Even she does not know how I view life, even though I have spent much time trying to explain.

A safe, cocoon community, with caring, professional, caregivers, another Dementia patients that are housed in like cognitive ability groups is the best of cases for us.  Communities that simply put an escape bracelet on the Dementia patient and leaves them to their own devices is the least acceptable.   But, even at that, atlas you can find someone like you, to be around.

Another past memory is how my Father in Law was effected by outings away from his care facility.  We did not know taking him out to dinner was bad of him, but we learned the hard way!  Taking Kurt out of his cocoon upset and disoriented him severely.  I now understand that and experience that more and more.  But others, without Dementia, do not understand.

Staying home, with someone who comes in, without professional Dementia Care training, in not a good idea as I see it.   Then, the Dementia patient is left at home at night with a family member who is overworked and feeling guilty, or what is worse, is the Dementia patient is left alone!!

My Sister had a life long friend and neighbor, with advanced Alzheimer's that the children left at home alone!  My Sister would go over everyday and make sure Mary took her medicines and that she ate something.   Not until Mary was so bad they were required by the Doctors to place her in facility, did they!   Mary never acclimated and only got worse.  Even with my Sister visiting Mary in the facility, feeding her, and looking after her, she died soon.  Her end days were not comfortable, secure, or pleasant.

So, my view, as a Dementia patient is place me in a professional dementia care facility and leave me there.  Visit me often, but do not disrupt my routine.  This will help me enjoy my end days.

Monday, June 20, 2016

Hallucinations are becoming frightening!

I got up last night to drain my bladder.  Not a new thing.  But sitting in the dimly lit bathroom, I saw a ball of snakes.  And then a larger one coming towards me.  I jumped off the toilet and turned on the lights!  That goodness, no snakes!  But, I was truly scared!!

Things are progressing.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

My thought process

I no longer write long missives because my thought process no longer works that way.  Instead, I think, talk, and write in short, stucco, thoughts.  Compact, almost disconnected, and somewhat without emotion.  Much of the time, my mind dwells in the past and I am mentally transformed to that time in my life.   When something causes me to write about it, be that the Navy Blog or this Blog, I quickly write on the topic because if I delay, I will loose the though!  Eve thinking about how to write my thoughts causes me to loose my initial thought process.

For instance, I was writing a reply to a Navy buddy about a Retired Master Chief I knew.  In typing his full first and middle name, I forgot his last name!!  Sometimes this disease is maddening.

A new issue that frightens me

Last evening my Wife and I were discussing the progression of my disease.  She and I agree on the recent developments and progressions.  Then,  a frightening thought came into my mind.  What if m Wife saw something getting worse and I did not recognize that change?

Trust me, that is a very disconcerting thought.  Why?  Because it means I am no longer connected to reality!   But, my wonderful Wife had eh perfect response.  She said:  When that happens, you will not be upset or frightened because you will not know it is happening.

Now that is a Wife that fully understands my disease and is in tune with how I am doing and how I will do.  I am a blessed man.

Friday, June 17, 2016

My mind lives in the past

We have a monthly get together of all the folks that live on our floor.  Everyone brings a dish and we spend an hour or so talking and exchanging stories.  Normally, the women are on one side of the room and the men on the other.  Some things never change!

I never talk about things happening today.  Not even the weather.  Instead, I talk about my career with the Navy or old cars, or places we have lived.  But never anything that is recent or news worthy.

Why?  Because I am most comfortable in my past.  I am not interested in the happenings of today.   They are not in my memory and I just do not care.

This is something my wife and I have noticed.  It is not new, but it is somewhat interesting and probably normal for people with Dementia.  I just thought I would report it.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

I like being with other Dementia patients!

Where I live, there is a woman, about my age, that has Frontal Lobe Dementia.  She still lives in Independent Living, like we do.  Her sister visits Her every week and we bump into each other and talk, mostly when Her sister is walking with Her.  I truly feel at ease when we talk.  I do not have to try to be normal!  She and I are on the same wave length and that is a comfortable feeling.  It is almost like living in the Chief's Mess, back on U.S. Navy Ships!   There, everyone spoke the same language, shared the same experiences, and were socially equal!

For me, a LBD patient, no matter who I am with, because of how my brain now works, I am not their equal, with the exception of other Dementia Patients in approximately the same stage of Dementia as I am.  That is why the new way of housing Dementia Patients, by their cognitive ability, is so perfect.  It groups the Patient in comfortable, social, groupings, that reduce disagreements and enhances their daily lives.  Unfortunately, where we live is not organized that way and only cares for Dementia Patients in Assisted Living or Skilled Care, without cognitive grouping.  Maybe that will change before I make the move.

Every time I see the Lady with Frontal Lobe Dementia, she asks me when we are going to sit down and discuss our diseases.  Hopefully we will bath remember that and make it happen soon.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

My neurologist called me...

Two days ago, my Neurologist called us and told us he had received information that lead him to change my dosage of Nortriptolene to 25mg or less vice the 50 mg he had me on.  He did not tell me why, but he cared enough to call me at home and inform me of an issue in my treatment!  He has won my trust and admiration.

However, we do not have any Nortriptolene pills less than 50mg.  So, two days ago I quit taking Nortriptolene, COLD TURKEY!  

So far, no big deal.  I looked up on the INTERNET and I learned Nortriptolene says in your system for 6-21 days based on how long you took it and how much your dosage was.

I have wanted off this drug for a while, so I am probably not going to go back on it when we do get the new prescription.  I can be stubborn sometimes.  

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

When I realized that dreams and plans were unattainable

My Wife and I love to watch the many "Tiny House" shows on the cable channels.    Living "Small" appear;s to both of us and we decided to go look at some "Park Model" trailers in a beach town close to us.  It was a good idea to take a "Day Trip".

When we got there easily and we were impressed with the Park they were in and the new models.  Today's Park Model is 14 feet wide unlike the 8 foot wide predecessors.  And at 40 x 14 feet, they can be quite big and roomy, yet only 500 or so square feet of interior space.

We fell in love with one and spent some time with the sales agent pricing a model that would meet our desires.  We did not sign anything and spent the ride home trying to decide what to do.  I was having a very good day as far as the effects of LBD.  So, my thoughts ran towards leaving Azalea Trace and living in that Park Model Tiny House.   Even my Wife was becoming intrigued by this new adventure.

The next day we were busy at home and the events of that day took their toll on me.  I was agitated, mentally in a fog, and unstable in my gate.  My Wife and I were shocked back into our reality!   I am not going to get better, only worse, and living anywhere other than a Continuing Care Community is fantasy!

This is not the first time we looked at Park Models and I have wanted that life style for a very long time.  But, my Wife had reservations because of the rules that applied to these Parks in Virginia.  Mind you, the rules were not ever enforced!   But this was the first time she was almost ready to write a check.  But, reality got in the way of my dreams again.

There are many other dreams and plans that have now become permanently out of reach, like me owning a Corvette, a new pickup truck, or a cement home on a large piece of property.  All of these and some I can't remember are now forever unattainable.

LBD is much more than a debilitating, progressive, degenerative, neurological disease.  It is a killer of dreams, plans, and happiness.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

My head vibrates when I relax!

I was a Navy Gunner's Mate.  I worked on Gun Mounts, Turrets, Missile Launchers, Rocket Launchers, and the ammunition each of them fired.  I know how the power drives work, intimately, that move those giant mechanisms to precise firing positions and track supersonic aircraft!  So, when my head started vibrating as I relax in bed, my mind went to the workings of the Receiver Regulator  used on the MK 42 Gun Mounts.  I started thinking about Offset Voltage used to keep synchos from zeroing up 180 degrees out.  Then my mind went to the Dither Transformer that keeps the Servo Valve from freezing up.  That took me back to the old MK 42 Receiver Regulators that used mechanical dither.

And I wondered, is LBD impacting these systems in my head?!  Does my head or my body even have a Dither Transformer?  How about Offset Voltage?  YesI know the sounds foolish and maybe like I need to move to a facility where I can get a higher level go care.  Like padded walls!  But, why does my head rock back and forth when I relax?  I looks to me like a 36 speed synchro that can synch up!  Or an Elevation Power Drive that has the Dither Transformer turned up too high!!

I think those little Lewy Body fellows are messing with my power drive!!

Monday, May 30, 2016

How my memory works now

I have written before that I once had near total recall.  Especially for technical items related to the Navy.  I was known for that ability in my Rating and it served me well.  Bt now, my memory is totally different.

I reality, I have two memory systems.  The past, where I spend the vast majority of my time, and right now!  

I live in my past memories most of the time.  I spend most of my days and nights thinking about my Navy experience.  Or, I am reliving my youth.  I still have very vivid, detailed memories of the events of those times.  In may cases, I still remember specific technical issues from the Navy and events that occurred.  The times of these events are shrouded in fog as are some of the people's names, but the events themselves are still mostly clear.  However, they are fading slowly.

The second memory tier I have is "right now"!  Right now is more of an existence rather than a memory.  If you ask me what I did yesterday, I have a difficult time recalling most events of that day.  I do not remember what I ate or where we went.  For instance, playing pool, I do not remember previous shots or even if I am shooting "Stripes or Solids".   I do not remember to take my medications or most people's names.

But recall of recent events, people, or locations are very difficult for me.  For instance;  Last week we went to the High School Graduation of our middle Grandson's Girlfriend.  We went to Her home for a small reception after the ceremony.  There were a number of people there and I cannot tell you the name of a single person other that my Grandson and his Girlfriend.  Furthermore, I have difficulty with Her name, even though they have been an item for quite a while.

This lost area of time is very unnerving for me.  It seems as if I am not living in the "Here and Now" but rather in the past, with brief glimpses into "right now".