I never have done well during the Christmas Holidays. This year, was even worse. Maybe the most difficult Christmas of my life. I have been deeply depressed and upset. I thought I was going to be OK and then my Sister called on 23 December and tole me our Brother was in the Hospital and not expected to live. He died Christmas Eve morning. He and I had just reconnected recently because his Wife is dealing with Stage 4 Cancer. He and I had some great, loving, supportive, conversations. I even had an opportunity to talk to him about Jesus and the relationship required with Him to go to Heaven. I am sure he was Saved and I am sure he is in Heaven with Jesus, right now! I miss Him and I know his family does also. But, knowing this is a comfort.
My childhood memories of Christmas are not the sweet memories most children have. Why, is not important.
I have been so upset, I made an appointment with my Psychologist for this Monday. Also, I have tried to write this post a number of times since Christmas. But it is difficult to describe how I am doing or why I feel like I do.
Before LBD, I had defensive ways to deal with this time of the year including heavy drinking. But now, I do not drink, I pray. And now, the disease has taken away my defensive ways and I am stuck thinking about the things that bother me, almost 24/7. When I go to bed, my mind goes to the past, the difficult times, and where I am now, dealing with LBD. Then, my mind goes to ways to run from this situation, but to where, and how. I cannot logically deal with my emotions.
I do not see a future for me. Well, except....