Saturday, November 28, 2015

What I miss the most

It is the Christmas season.  A part of the year that makes me more melancholy that happy.  Actually, I find Christmas and New Years depressing beyond description.  And the older I get, the worse it gets.

Christmas makes me think about my past.  My few successes and my many failures.  I think of old friends and Shipmates, most of whom are now dead.  Those thoughts bring back good and bad times.  But they were good times with friends that I depended on and them on me.  Those were great times that warm my soul.

I miss being a Chief.  The times in the Chief's Mess.  The fellowship, friendship, working together towards a common goal, and blowing off steam doing less than smart things!!  It was fun!!  Or at least, it was then.

I miss being dependent on fellow professionals and them being dependent on me.   I even miss the arguments that arose in the Chief's Mess about the most ridicules things.  I just miss being a Navy Chief.

I never really fit in the civilian world.  I tried it and I did not like it.  So, I went to work for the Navy as a Civil Servant.   There, I could use what I learned to serve the Navy I loved.

I screwed up when I retired from the Navy.  I got caught up in my own self-importance.  The most stupid decision I ever made was becoming a Command Master Chief and then a Force Master Chief.  It was not a fit for my personality, my career goals, or my happiness.  I remember looking in the mirror, when I was the CMC on the USS Caron, and NOT recognizing myself!!  I should have went back to being a Gunner's Mate then.  I remember the Bible verse that says;  "Pride goeth before a fall."  It certainly did.

Now, I am a broken, bitter, depressed, old man, without anything of value to do, nothing to offer, and no way to change my lot in life.  I dream about the Navy.  Every facet of the Navy life.  Sometimes I escape to my Navy life in my mind during the day.

I live in a wonderful Continuing Care Retirement Community filled with rich, landed gentry.  There are a few successful retired Navy folks here.  They try to act like like they are something else.  Folks like me call that "Uppity"!  I act like a Retired Navy Master Chief.  Hey, it works for me.

I never thought I would live this long.  I never thought I would have Lewy Body Dementia, and I never thought I would end up like this.  I failed myself!!  Yes, I succeeded, but that success did not serve me well.  I would give everything up that I have to be a Chief Gunner's Mate on a MK 42 equipped Destroyer type Navy ship, sailing in harm's way.  Instead, I am here.

I guess I miss my life the most.  That about says it all.

Reposted from "The Master Chief's Lair"

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for continuing your posting. Your courage in overcoming your fear, describing your thoughts and feelings; sharing your life and its ups and downs. You are a speaker for the many who are making this same journey or sharing another's. It is being heard. God bless you and your wife.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you for continuing your posting. Your courage in overcoming your fear, describing your thoughts and feelings; sharing your life and its ups and downs. You are a speaker for the many who are making this same journey or sharing another's. It is being heard. God bless you and your wife.

    ReplyDelete