Wednesday, November 25, 2015

I have never been afraid of anything, until now.

I truly have not been afraid of many things.  And, I learned early to never let anyone know what you are afraid of.  Giving into fear only paralyzes you and prevents you from accomplishing your goals.

I also have written before about my neurologist in Virginia Beach.  She was tenacious and dedicated.  She asked me if I had dealt with the reality of my disease.  Of course I said YES!   She immediately said; "No!  You haven't!" and she was right.  As a matter of fact, even though I thought I had dealt with the realities of LBD before, I just now HAVE honestly dealt with these issues.

You see, I now know I am afraid to die!   No, I am not afraid of my destination after I take my last breath on this earth.  I am Heaven bound because of the Finished Work of Jesus Christ on the Cross!!

No, I am afraid of the process of death.  It is something I have never done.  So, I am afraid of the unknown.  And, since the disease has progressed to the point of completely dominating my life, I now realize what my Neurologist meant when she asked me if I have dealt with my disease.  I am going to die.  And not a long time from now, but sooner, rather than later.  If the disease progresses next year as much as it did this year, I will be in bad shape next year.  Not something I am prepared to deal with.  But something I must face head on.

Back to my management of fear.  I cannot let those close to me that I am afraid of this.  Yes, they now know because they read this blog.  But, that is why I am writing this.  Because I do not know any other way to tell them.  Remember, I never let anyone know I am afraid of anything!

So, there you have it.  This maybe the first time I honestly admitted, openly and honestly, that I was afraid.   Do I feel less of a man?  No more that Lewy Body Dementia had made me.  No, as I digest this, I feel better that I have openly said what I said.  Now I have to deal with every one's reaction.

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