I was sitting here thinking, as I often do. No TV, no music, just silence. I was reflecting on my Wife's response to my disease. She has it difficult considering she is living with a ticking time bomb. Unlike having a spouse that, while you understand they will die at some time, she is dealing with the realization that she is watching me die right now!
This topic came into my mind because the Chaplain here at Azalea is starting a Caregivers Support Group and my Wife was considering if she wanted to attend or not.
When I was on active duty, as a deployment approached, she became more and more distant with me. Her view was, the sooner you go, the sooner you will be home. I found that quite frustrating as a young husband. Now, I understand it a little more. And I truly do understand her mental status as a widow, already.
I also find it interesting that she understands my attitude, or "Fight" response may extend my life. Last night she told me not to let my disease progress too fast. Of course, I have little or no impact on how fast this disease will progress. I am just along for the ride at this time. And truthfully, I have little fight left in me. I would just as soon have this over with!
Unlike her, I see this unending, ever increasing, fight to be exhausting, demoralizing, and tedious. I am NOT the person I once was. I have few of the capabilities that I once had and I find that fact frustrating. Every single part of my life has been negatively impacted by Lewy Body Dementia.
But, I just thought I would share m observation with you. That is why I write this blog.