Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Despondent

Last night, I was grumpy, agitated, and there was another emotion that I was experiencing that was new to me.  Let me proceed and try to explain.  I had the realization, which for me is more than a feeling, that I was loosing my grasp on reality.  Yes, all of the normal evening issues were there, but they were amplified.  Noise bothered me more, I was angry at the world, I felt week, diminished, and mentally foggy.  But I also felt unable to live in the world as a whole.

As I tried to go to sleep, I fought mental battles with people that I see as hindrances to my happiness.  I anguished over comments made by my wife, about numerous things I can do nothing about.  And I longed to be in that memory support facility in Daphne, Alabama, that I once told you about.

The smallest thing upset me and I had to fight an internal battle to keep control of my anger.  I only had one minor outburst over the ongoing parking issues that my wife seems to want to continually bring up.  The remainder of the time, I just kept my emotions inside and stewed.

It is my opinion that my journey with LBD took a giant turn last night and accelerated down hill.  I slept fitfully last night and when I did sleep, I had violent dreams.  It is now 5AM and I have had a shower, shaved, and I am ready to face the day.  That seems like a very brave statement to me.  We will see.

2 comments:

  1. I wish, so badly, that I could give you some words of comfort. I watched my dear husband go through the same thing although he was not able to tell me about his feelings. There is so much that the medical society does not understand about this condition...know that I am listening and appreciate your words.

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  2. I came across your blog last night and spent hours last night and on and off all day today reading it from beginning to current. I have so much I want to say to you, but first, is thank you. Thank you SO much for sharing your journey. Hearing LBD from the perspective of someone who has it means so much to me. I am the full time, live-in caregiver for my 92-year-old Grandmother, Alice. We've been on this journey together for 4 years. She was diagnosed in 2011 with Vascular Dementia and then about a year and a half ago I began noticing symptoms of LBD. I'm big on researching and found a mental health specialist to take her to who agreed with me and gave her a diagnosis of LBD as well. It's been a challenge and a struggle trying to be not only her caregiver, but continue to be her granddaughter as well. I'm blessed in that my parents and brother, live just 5 minutes away and my father, her son, gives me the much needed break on the weekend when he comes to stay with her and allows me to have some me time.

    Reading your blog, hearing your perspective, has helped me see my grandmother in a new light. She is in a good place for the most part, she has more good days still than bad, but she has delusions that are absolutely horrible and so scary for her. She can be very aggressive physically and I've been hit more times than I care to remember by her during her episodes. People call me a saint and an angel for how I care for her, but I see it as, she's my Grandma. She deserves to be cared for by someone who loves her no matter what she says or does. She is an amazing lady, so sarcastic and funny, man she makes me laugh SO much! But I see what LBD is doing to her and it rips my heart out to know she's slowly losing her mind and she knows it too. My main job is to try and make each day special, even if it's just to laugh with her, take a walk down to the mailbox and listen to her talk about the kids she loves watching play, or sitting on the porch swing in our backyard and looking at the flowers or the clouds together and just letting her talk about her life. She's a proud Army wife (my Grandpa was 26 years Army) and is one of the most patriotic people I know. She makes sure our flag is waving in the front of the house every morning :)

    We have so many ups and downs and I know we have so many more to come, but I just wanted you to know you have a new follower and I am so very appreciative for your honesty and courage to share your life with complete strangers. Thank you again! ♥

    Sincerely,
    Marsha Keeney, West Richland, Washington
    Caregiver/Granddaughter to Alice Mae Keeney, age 92. Vascular/Lewy Body Dementias

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