Saturday, February 28, 2015

A feeling of emptiness

There are days, like today, that I feel totally depleted mentally and physically.  Mentally, I have difficulty paying attention, my hands cannot stop moving, I see things as if I was looking through a tube or a tunnel, and motion around me causes me to jump.

Physically, my legs hurt, I feel weak, and I get tired walking any distance.  My stomach is painfully full from dinner, even though I did not eat anymore than I do at any dinner.

All in all, I feel like a wreck!  Why, I really do not know.  What I do know is I hope I feel better tomorrow.  I will go to sleep early tonight.

I often wonder if this is a temporary issue or another step in the progression.  Feeling weak, overwhelmed, and mentally fuzzy and confused, is very upsetting.  So, we will continue to monitor.

More later,

Another thought after I closed;  All day, I have had difficulty breathing.  Not great difficulty, but a resistance when I inhale.  It seems I cannot get enough air in.  All in all, I feel puny!

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

OK, who do I punch!

Dementia is a difficult disease to manage,  Trust me.  Before I was affected by LBD, I was a hot head!  I could reduce most people to a puddle of tears just with my yelling.  Then, if that did not accomplish what I wanted, I could move on to more violent measures.   Back, before LBD, I could turn on and turn off my anger.  But, with the onset of LBD, I must control myself, all the time!

You may remember that back in Virginia, I got aggravated with a family moving into our retirement apartments and I lost my temper, BIG TIME!!  I was ready and willing to fight, anyone or all of them at once.  Then, I went over and verbally assaulted the management staff!

Needless say, I learned then that I cannot let my emotions dictate how I act.  Why, because, with dementia, the authorities are more than likely going to place me somewhere that I cannot hurt myself or someone else.  So, I now take extraordinary measures to control my emotions.

For instance, I seldom watch the news.  Why?  You know why.  I do not read political news on the Internet.  And I seldom discuss the state of our country with others.  No, I prefer to live in my world.  It is safer for me and those around me.

I realize some of you may be cringing right now.  But, I believe I am being responsible.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

This depression issue is getting worse!

I have been dealing with increased depression and apathy for the last few weeks.   Things upset me and set me off in a way that causes me concern.  Today, while my wife was at BSF,  I went to the community Coffee Klatch to talk to some folks.  I left that time angry and upset.   I truly cannot tell you why, but I am spun up!

And this is happening more and more.  Little things upset me and then I dwell on them and get even more angry.  I have little desire to be social and times like this reinforce that emotion.

Nothing seems to be right in my life right now.  Not that I can put my finger on any specific thing.  I am just upset, unhappy, and very angry, at everything and almost everyone.  I try diligently to control these negative emotions, holding the in, and trying to be polite and kind to everyone around me.  But, I would truly like to punch some of these folks, none specific, in the nose!

I can't tell you what anti-depressants I take, but they obviously are not working!!   I do not know what to do.  And I really don't have the desire to go through the inquisition a doctor will put me through to get help.  So, I am at an impasse.

Oh well, it does not matter as long as I can control myself and appear to be normal.  It is hard to see through the fog of LBD.  So, I really do not know where I am going anymore.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

How would you answer everyday questions if your social filters were OFF?!

I was sitting here thinking about all the lies we tell everyday.  Those everyday questions we have learned the "Correct" answers too.  Like what?  You already know many of them.

For instance;  How are you doing today?  Up answer; Fine, never felt better.  But, in you mind, behind that social filter, you would like to answer;  My ass hurts, and I have to deal with a toad like you!

Then there are those questions you don't dare answer truthfully.  Like; Honey, are you happy?  Go on, answer that one truthfully.  Or, Do you take this woman to be your wife, until death do you part?  You said; I do.  But in you mind, behind those social filters you said;  Hell no!  What am I doing?  Boy am I screwing up!!  Where's the exit?  Will anyone see me leave?  Boy am I screwed!! And finally; I didn't know this was a death sentence?!  Until DEATH do we part?!

No, we do not answer questions honestly in polite society.  Too bad, because life would be much better if we did.  If we were able to be honest with our spouse, our friends, our co-workers.

Like when you wife asks; Does this dress make me look fat?  You know damn all you can't touch that one with a ten foot pole!

Or, Does she look sexier than I do?  You answer, no, or not to me, or, she's too young, or some other lame excuse.  But what is really going through your mind?

Now, do our wives have the same social filter issues.  I am sure they do.  But, we continue to deceive each other.  And we get mad at Politicians!

Now, those of us with Dementia, have damaged or even completely broken social filters.  So, when one of us tells the truth, you just let is pass as part of the disease.  I guess that's good.  But, it is a lie too.

I'm not sure I like polite society anymore.  Maybe I will just tell the truth as I see it from now on.  People around me will give me a pass and I will feel better.  Sounds good to me.

I just don't care anymore

More and more, the things I care about and are interested in, are diminishing, rapidly.  I cannot tell you why, but I clearly know it is happening.

I have all but stopped paying attention to the news because I see our Nation destroying itself.  What I did for 40 years turns out to be a waste of time.  Under the leadership of our President, America is becoming  a Muslim Nation filled with illegal aliens that have MORE rights than I do.  Illegal aliens can even vote in  our elections!!

We celebrate all that is reprehensible and immoral.  Gays, drug users, multiple sex partners, unemployed people that just don't want to work, socialists, just about anything that used to be immoral and wrong is now celebrated.

Our Military, MY Navy, has been reduced to a dating service for ghays and sexually perverted people.  We have less than half of the capability we had when I left active duty.  We care more about preserving some perverts rights than upholding morals and good leadership and discipline.  The constant drive for combat readiness has been replaced by political correctness.  And, if you get drunk, you are worse than scum, but if you get aids from having sex with someone the same sex as you, you are a hero.  Everything that was good is bad and everything that was bad, os good and celebrated.

I am tired of being blamed for all that is wrong.  I followed the rules, did my best, and stood up for what was right.  Now, I am the reason the world is going to hell.

Add this to the effects of LBD and I am defeated.   My legs hurt continuously, I have difficulty breathing, aspirate, forget my most recent thoughts, and feel weak and diminished.  I am tired of peeing in my pants.   I am tired of not being helped and forgotten of by many who I helped for so long.

Ole people, especially, those with an illness, are an inconvenience to most people.   see that in the Assisted Living Facility we have our ministry in.  Most of those folks have no one that visits them or comes to help them.  The are alone and forgotten.  I have had shipmates that I came into contact with either through my blogs or though my contacting them that say;  I thought you were dead.  That is always hard to hear.

This may be one of those LBD low points that happen so often.  Or, maybe it is the new normal, seeing as it ha sin creased over the last week or so.  I am not happy with much of anything and see no reason to try to change that.

I really never thought I would be in this condition and I never considered that America would destroy herself.   Heck, I never thought I would live this long.  Goes to show you what I know.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

The "Fall" part two

Just to keep everyone updated.  Linda is doing well.  He "Black Eye" is too!  Wow!  The shape of her glasses is completely black.  It covers her entire eye are.  Even where her glasses bridge touched her nose is black.  Now, the bruising is moving down and out.  When this is done, the entire right side of her face will be bruised.  Yet, surprisingly, she does not have much pain.  I am glad.

We have carried out a normal schedule today.   We even walked!  And everyone her at Azalea Trace has asked how she is doing.  The Nurse even called this morning to check on Linda.  What a wonderful community.

Tomorrow, we will go to Church.  What else would we do on Sunday?  Life goes on.  Thanks for your prayers.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Today, the reality of growing old hit us!

Today, we had a busy day planned.  An outing with fellow Azalea Trace residents bowling at 9AM, followed by a possible trip to the Commissary, follower by a 2:15 PM eye doctor appointment for my wife.  A busy schedule at best.  Of course, it did not happen as planned.

We both were running snow this morning, so we did not go bowling.  We did go to the Commissary and had a leisurely shopping trip.  We came home, put away the groceries, and took both dogs for a walk.  We were walking around the Azalea Trace campus with the dogs enjoying their sniffing and marking duties.

About two-thirds around the campus, with Marcel and me walking behind Linda and Cherie, Linda suddenly fell, face forward, onto the paved road.

I saw her fall.  It looked as if her right leg gave way and she fell forward like a tree falling.   I rushed to her side and she was already sitting up.  He glasses were broken, her right eye was already swelling!   She got to her feet with my help, and cheeked herself over. Her head hurt and her right eye was swelling fast.  We walked back to our apartment, put the dogs in, and immediately went to the nurses office which is right next to our apartment.  The RN, named Sandy, immediately checked Linda out and strongly recommended we head to the Emergency room.

At the Emergency room, we were see quickly and within 45 minutes, Linda was in for a CT scan of her head.  The results were negative and after a complete exam from the Emergency Room Doctor, we were discharged.  AT that time, Linda felt good enough to try to get her glasses repaired since she cannot drive with out them.  We did cancel her appointment with the eye doctor while we were in the ER since we were both sure she would not be able to have her eyes examined with her right eye all but swollen closed.  Good decision.

Walmart quickly came up with a set of frames that fit her lenses and we went home.  She is now asleep.  Her eye is sporting a terrific shiner!  Her eye is black from her eye lid to below her eye and from her nose to the far side of her eye.  You will notice I said BLACK, not Black and Blue.  She is also stiff and sore from the jolt of falling and has a skinned knee.

My concern is;  What caused that fall.  She has fallen before in the past,  and she has almost fallen recently.  But what is causing this?

The other issues is, me.  Technically, my neurologist permits me to drive with someone in the car.  I chose not to drive a while ago.  But, I retained my drivers license, legally, for emergencies just like today.   And with her glasses repaired, she will probably return to the driver's seat.  But, if these falling issues persist, our mobility will be seriously curtailed.  Because, while I drive well, my issues preclude me from returning to the driver's seat full time.

We will see what happens next.   But this is another example of how LBD effects both the sufferer and the care giver.  I will keep you informed.  

Sunday, February 1, 2015

How I HAVE dealt with my disease

In Church today, as I was getting ready to act as a server for Communion, I was praying to get my thoughts in line with Communion.  Suddenly, it came to me, that I had been using my disease as a crutch in life!  More over, I had not gone to the Lord and asked for HIS guidance, and if possible HIS healing!!  In fact, I had asked the Lord NOT to heal me.

These were disturbing and sobering thoughts.  But true!!

So, right there, right then, privately, with God listening, I asked God to lead me through my journey with LBD and to heal me, if it were his perfect plan.   I also confessed my sins and shortcomings in how I dealt with LBD.   I asked the Holy Spirit to guide me and keep me from using my disease as a crutch or excuse.

This is a change that I did not see coming.  But I welcome it and fully embrace it.  Will it change my prognosis?  It certainly could!  Will it change how I deal with Lewy Body Dementia?  Absolutely!!

I confess that I have been trying to navigate this journey on my own.  God let me know that today in those quiet moments in front of our fellowship.  I will now ignore that gentle nudge.  God does speak to us, if we listen.  I did.  Praise God, from who all blessing fall!