Saturday, October 4, 2014

My life in the past

I have written before about my life in my memories.  I spend a lot of my time reliving my life.  You will note I say, reliving instead of remembering.  That is because I actually can place myself in those memories, as if they are what I am doing right now.

I have had urges to call my Mother, even though she died in 1991.  I have had other urges to call or talk to other deceased relatives or close friends.   I have also had immediate feelings that I have the duty and I am late or that I need to get to work.

Today, I was shaving.  Nothing remarkable there, except I now need to wear my glasses to shave safely!  I can't see what I am doing without them.  Then, I was transported into the small bathroom of our rented home on Fairville Avenue on the west side of Cleveland Ohio.  I remember being a boy, maybe 11 or so, watching my Dad shave.  He used a shaving cream that came in a tube.  He got his brush wet with hot water from the tap, and then spread the soap from the tube on the brush.  He would then lather his face with the brush.  Then her would replace his glass.  I asked him, why do you wear your glasses when you shave.  Dad said; because I can't see what I am doing without them!

Reliving my past consumes much of my time.  Much of it is pleasant, like my memories of Dad.  Some is not so pleasant and some even upset me.   Some of these memories I cannot shake.  They stay with me all the time.  Others come and go.  Many of my mistakes and wrong doing haunt me and many times I have vivid memories of wrongs that were done to me.

I seldom think of the time I live in.  Politics upset me because I see the America  live dying.  So, I choose to actively ignore the news.   I find little interesting about the time I now live in.  The only time I am mentally engaged with the world around me is when I am teaching God's Word.  Otherwise, the past suits me fine.

Life was free of the confusion of my disease then.  It had a future and endless possibilities.   Now, I only see endless confusion with no future.   It is no wonder that my mind relives my past.

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