Tuesday, October 7, 2014

How little things cause BIG issues!

I am in a period of stress and anxiety.  Our house is on the market.  We are under contract at a CCRC.  We have given them $35k and our apartment is in the process of being remodeled.  We are on the hook for a substantial last payment and monthly payments that are bigger than anything I have ever seen.  The sale of our home is required for this to work.  Even the mention of budget, payments, or money makes me sick.

Now, before someone writes me and tells me everything will be OK.  Or even that God has this in His hands.  I know that!  But, my mind does not process things like this in a manner that even relates to logic, truth, or faith.  Instead, I for into panic, fear, and depression.  I get angry, defensive, and my fight or flight emotion kicks in!

I have had many long thoughts and dreams about running away!  Really!  Running away, hiding, being homeless, and never having contact with this life again!  Serious stuff, I know.  But it is where my mind escapes too.

Those of you without LBD need to understand that those of us with LBD do not have a mind that deals with reality like yours does.  My mind is broke and does not function like it used to.  For instance, social filters.  You know, saying things in a social environment that are not appropriate.   That was early in the journey.  Now, I panic when I face change, or difficult situations, or even normal daily issues.

When we are at Azalea Trace, I am comfortable, even happy.  I feel it is the best place for both of us.  When we are win our apartment, even in it's pre-remodel state, I feel at home.  Today, we spent time there planning where our furniture will go.  But, now, a few hours later, I am in a panic.  Overwhelmed, frightened, and depressed.

So, I will retire to my bed and escape to sleep.

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