Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Today, was the first day I realized that I the battle.

OK, now I understand how General Custer felt at the battle at Little Big Horn!  I am sure he rode in, full of confidence, vibrato, and self-assurance.  Then, there were more Indians that he could count!  Then he thought; Oh no, this is not going to end well for me!  And it didn't.  And tonight, I did not start to see that I was loosing my battle with LBD.  I realized my battle was lost!  There is a big difference in those two revelations.

Today, actually tonight, "Show Time" failed.  And when I returned home from our Son's home, I was deeply depressed and in despair.

I deal with depression all the time.  But this is different.  Little changes are happening that I notice and they tell me, I lost.  Yes, I always knew that.  But I never admitted it to myself.  Tonight I did.  I now see the negatives and not the positives.  I now know much of my plan for the future will not come to fruition.  Eve promising things like the Continuing care retirement community seem unattainable now.

Remember what the "Borg" said in Star Trek?  "Resistance is futile!!" and it is!  So, why fight it?  Resistance is futile.

I really have tried to put a positive face on this and on my life.  I have been brave, tough, and indomitable, as it said in Corporal Tony Stein's Medal of Honor Citation.   But, those are phony fronts, facades!  The truth is, I no longer want to fight, use "Show Time" or pretend I am OK.  I do not know how long I have had this disease, but I am SURE it has been long enough!   Resistance is futile...


  1. Don
    I won't try to tell you, you haven't yet lost, or not to give up or in. I simply want to say that good or bad I want and need to read your posts. To me you are a hero, both in your previous life of military service and now in this ever attacking struggle . So many times you give words to my feelings.
    Your friend

  2. Ditto what Robert said except you put words to my husbands behaviors.

  3. Don - once again, I am commenting long after your original post.

    Your honesty, as so often, is heartbreaking; but even now, somehow in a good way - a very, very good way.

    To use a military analogy: it seems to me you have been fighting a rear-guard action against LBD; and fighting well. You have found good allies (though I understand you don't see some of them as often as you'd like), and between you, whether you realise it or not, you have achieved incredible things. You have kept supply lines open, helping to arm all this who read your blog with maps of the terrain ahead, and tools and weapons with which to fight.

    One day, LBD will be defeated; it may not feel like it at the moment, but you have made a real contribution, not just to the battle, but to the war.