OK, now I understand how General Custer felt at the battle at Little Big Horn! I am sure he rode in, full of confidence, vibrato, and self-assurance. Then, there were more Indians that he could count! Then he thought; Oh no, this is not going to end well for me! And it didn't. And tonight, I did not start to see that I was loosing my battle with LBD. I realized my battle was lost! There is a big difference in those two revelations.
Today, actually tonight, "Show Time" failed. And when I returned home from our Son's home, I was deeply depressed and in despair.
I deal with depression all the time. But this is different. Little changes are happening that I notice and they tell me, I lost. Yes, I always knew that. But I never admitted it to myself. Tonight I did. I now see the negatives and not the positives. I now know much of my plan for the future will not come to fruition. Eve promising things like the Continuing care retirement community seem unattainable now.
Remember what the "Borg" said in Star Trek? "Resistance is futile!!" and it is! So, why fight it? Resistance is futile.
I really have tried to put a positive face on this and on my life. I have been brave, tough, and indomitable, as it said in Corporal Tony Stein's Medal of Honor Citation. But, those are phony fronts, facades! The truth is, I no longer want to fight, use "Show Time" or pretend I am OK. I do not know how long I have had this disease, but I am SURE it has been long enough! Resistance is futile...