I have been trying to figure out why I am so upset, so agitated, and why I am trying so hard to find a retirement community to live in that meets my wife's standards of location, care, accommodations, and cost.
It may be fear. Fear of my future. Fear of the destination LBD is taking me. Fear of the unknown.
I am consumed over finding a safe place for me to spend my remaining days. I know I have lost my ability to protect myself and my wife. My hallucinations have become more real and more disturbing. The Christmas Tree hallucination really unnerved me. And now I know where my fear originates. In the unknown.
My wife does not understand. I am unable to explain. But I am sure that I need to find that place of safety and security soon. Am I depressed? Yes. I have lost my independence, my manhood, and my ability to make my way in the world.
Fear never drove me before. It is a strange emotion for me. But, fear is now the driver. Not fear of death, but fear of living with LBD. I hope I find that safe place, before I do not recognize I am there.