Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Shaking hands

We lead a Bible Study at the local Assisted Living Facility.  I enjoy this weekly event.  To call this a Bible Study is a little miss leading.  Every week, I deliver a 30-45 minute sermon to ten or so lovable seniors.  They range in age from 70 to 97!   All of them are sharp as tacks and follow along in their Bibles.  They will stop me in a micro-minute if they disagree or if they do not see where I am reading or quoting.  We also conduct a Communion Service the last Thursday of the month.  We have been providing this ministry for over two years.

On the days that we provide Communion, we always offer Communion to any individuals that cannot venture out of their rooms for one reason or another.  Today, while we were offering Communion to one of our regulars in her room, my left hand began to shake uncontrollably while I was holding a small tray with the Bread and Wine on it.  My wife acted quickly and nothing was spilled.

This is not the first time I have had hand shaking issues but it is definitely the most concerning.  Most of my parkinsonian symptoms have been the rigidity and stiffness in my legs and now in my arms and shoulders.  But shaking is starting to increase.  I also notice it when I lift my coffee cup or pour coffee out of the pot.  It seems things with some weight cause the shaking.

This could be related to the rigidity issues and the muscles fighting with themselves.  Or not.  But it is an increasing issue.

So, as is my purpose for this blog, I am sharing another change in my condition in hopes of keeping you informed and maybe being a help to  to others dealing with LBD.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Things they weigh me down

Since I have been afflicted by LBD, some things have become a weigh on my outlook as well as my mind.  Many of the things that some people find rewarding, relaxing, or even sought after, cause me to feel overloaded and overwhelmed.

When we lived in Virginia, my wife and I agreed to sell our house and move into a Senior's Apartment.  I truly felt free when we lived there.  I had people to talk too that were the same age as me.  I had NO maintenance.  And I had no worries.  When we wanted ceiling fans installed, maintenance did it.  I wanted another cabinet in the bathroom, maintenance installed it.  There was a gym, a pool, and again, people to talk to that understood what I was going through.  The seniors even went out, once a month, for dinner and a social time.  And, any evening the weather permitted, there was a group of people, out by a garage, sitting on lawn chairs and talking.

We moved to Florida and I have none of these things and I HAVE all of the maintenance of our home and all of the worries of maintenance. I have no one to help and everything to do.

Another weight is our future living situation.  We are on the waiting list for Azalea Trace.  That list is not moving.  I am on the waiting list for the Armed Forces Retirement Home in Gulfport Mississippi with a prospective move in date of November 2014!  That facility meets all of my needs but excludes my wife.  So, another worry there.   While we have looked at a number of communities that meet some or all of our needs, Azalea is the only one that meets all of our needs in one package.  But, they cannot even begin to tell us when we will move in.

Then there is the issue of ME passing the mental testing required to prove I am able to live independently!  Since I am experiencing progression of my mental decline, I worry if I will even be accepted at Azalea or the AFRH in Gulfport.

Now, I hope you understand the things that worry me.  I have totally given up on moving back to Virginia Beach.  But I would like to settle in palace I can relax and spend the remainder of my days, in peace, without worry about my surroundings.  That does not seem to be too much to ask for, does it?

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

I had an appointment with my Psychologist today

I have to admit, I NEVER thought I would be meeting with a Psychologist.  I was a U.S. Navy Master Chief Gunner's Mate!  We are tough, independent, leaders, that do not ask for help!!  Well, LBD taught me that I needed help.  I needed someone, who I could talk too about MY issues with this disease.  Not to mention MY issues with my Wife and family as we all deal with this disease.  And it has helped me!

Today, we discussed our trip to Iowa and my "Christmas Tree" hallucination.  His opinion was than the "Christmas Trees" impeding my trip to the bathroom represented me being trapped in my routine.  He said that I cling to my routine so hard, that my fingers hurt!  He is correct.  He also said it was good that we took the trip and broke my routine.  He was also pleased that I actually enjoyed myself and had such a good time visiting with my Wife's cousin.  All that is true.

Some of the things we discuss I will not write about.  But, it is good to be able to talk to someone, unrelated to me, without retribution, that has a professional opinion that can help

I meet with my Psychologist once a month.  I find that is all I need right now.  I am totally open with him and I know he is totally confidential with what I tell him.  These meetings are beginning to help me deal with Florida and helping me feel more comfortable here.

We also discussed how secure and serene I felt in the Memory Support unit at a local retirement community that we visited.  He seemed surprised at first at my contentment with the confines of the facility.  Until I told him of my need for security and safety.   Then he understood.

So, if you are a LBD patient, I recommend a visit to a Psychologist.  It is not a sign of weakness!  It IS a sign of strength.  It takes strength to admit you need help.  I know!

Monday, July 21, 2014


I dream every time I go to sleep.  My dreams are very realistic.  Realistic to the point that sometimes, I continue to act on the topic of the dream throughout the day.  Many times, my dreams are about a tack or job I am working on and when I wake up, I continue to think and try to accomplish that job.

Other dreams are about people of my past that I miss.   Some of them are now passed on, some are not.  Many times, I wake up trying to contact that person, as if they were still alive.  Many times these dreams upset me.

Then there are violent dreams.  Fights, survival, Navy events involving gun mounts or small arms.  Many of these dreams cause me to actually "Fight" in my dream.  Or, I am moving my hands as if I was using tools in the gun mount.  I know this because my wife has observed these actions and been the recipient of one of my punches in my sleep.  This REM Sleep disorder is "normal"in LBD patients.

Sleep is my refuse and I like to sleep.  I nap daily and I retreat to the bed whenever I am upset, agitated, or angry.  If my two miniature poodles and I are in bed, I am secure.  Why, because if I hear, feel, or see something, and the dogs do not react, I know what I see is not real.  I did not have that insurance policy in Iowa recently when I was trapped by the Christmas trees when I got up to go to the bathroom!  That hallucination has upset me greatly.

My dreams continue to effect me and upset me.  Much like my hallucinations, they seem real to me.  And the reality of these dreams and hallucinations is increasing.  We will see where this leads.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Fear of the future!

I have been trying to figure out why I am so upset, so agitated, and why I am trying so hard to find a retirement community to live in that meets my wife's standards of location, care, accommodations, and cost.

It may be fear.  Fear of my future.  Fear of the destination LBD is taking me.  Fear of the unknown.

I am consumed over finding a safe place for me to spend my remaining days.   I know I have lost my ability to protect myself and my wife.  My hallucinations have become more real and more disturbing.  The Christmas Tree hallucination really unnerved me.  And now I know where my fear originates.  In the unknown.

My wife does not understand.  I am unable to explain.  But I am sure that I need to find that place of safety and security soon.    Am I depressed?  Yes.  I have lost my independence, my manhood, and my ability to make my way in the world.

Fear never drove me before.  It is a strange emotion for me.  But, fear is now the driver.  Not fear of death, but fear of living with LBD.   I hope I find that safe place, before I do not recognize I am there.

Friday, July 18, 2014

I can't remember anything!

OK, that could be an over statement.  But, my short term and even my long term memory is degrading.  At a dinner out last Wednesday, with my Nephew and his wonderful family, I could not remember my Daughter in Law's name!    I loose thoughts while I am processing the very same thought!   This is really becoming a problem.

Right now, I have lost my entire thought process for this post.  So, I will leave it right here.  I am becoming concerned that I am loosing total control of my thought process.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The effects of travel on me

We just returned from a 6 day trip to Iowa for a family reunion.  We stayed with my Wife's 94 year old cousin.  She still lives in her home, cooks, cleans house and pulls weeds in the yard!!  She is doing better than I am!   It was a very pleasant visit.  The reunion was on Saturday and there were over 100 people there.  It was a big success and a wonderful time of family members connecting.

That being said, the trip has taken it's toll on me.  For instance, either Sunday or Monday night, I had to get up to go to the bathroom.  Nothing new there.  I go out of bed and headed for the bathroom, and I was immediately surrounded by decorated Christmas trees!  No matter which way I turned, there were Christmas trees blocking my way.  They seems to have substance and actually impeded my movement.  Finally, I was able to read through the trees and feel the wall, the dresser, and finally, the door.

I also had a very vivid audio hallucination and saw a man walking across the back yard that was not there.   Since we have been home, I have been more mentally disconnected, disoriented, and confused.  I have said before that I do not travel well.  But this trip illustrated that fact even more.

It is disheartening since I was feeling pretty well before we left.  But that is the nature of LBD.  The "Up and Down" nature of this disease gives you false hope one day and despair the next.  I try not to attach too much positive energy to my "Up" days and not to be too dismayed by my "Down" days.  But, it is hard to do.

Right now, I am leveling off a my lower mental stage.  Not a bad position to have.  Level, is always my goal.  It really does not matter where I am, I just want to be on an even keel.  It is sort of like working for a boss that is a jerk one day and a good guy the next!  I would much rather work for the jerk that is always a jerk!  At least I know what I am dealing with everyday.  It is the same way with LBD.  I know this will progress downward.  So, I would rather go downward and stay there, than go down and then up and down again.

So, I do not think I will travel for a while!  I am not ready for another downward turn.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Trials of travel

I tell people; "I don't travel well!"  It is true, anything that disrupts my routine is traumatic to me and for me.  We have been planning our trip to Iowa for a while.  But as it approaches, I have become upset, unsettled, and hyperactive.  I am worried about my puppies care and well being.  I am worried about the hassles of travel by air.  All in all, I am a wreck.

We are also trying to plan a August or September trip to Virginia.  While I very anxious to see all my friends, the thought of another trip is daunting.  I have asked my Wife NOT to bring the second trip up until the first trip is over. She can't follow that request.  Her mind runs ahead all the time and she is always planning for the worst.  A trait that drives me crazy, especially in my present LBD state.  But, there is no changing her and no training her.  She continues to plan ahead, borrow every problem, and drive me to distraction.

One thing is for sure, the next trip will be by car and the dogs go with us.  With Marcel the wonder Dog to calm me, I do much better.   Maybe we can get him certified as a service dog.

But, for those of you who "Own" a LBD patient, be careful not to overload us with details, plans, and problems!  Even in the early stages, these types of issues are unnerving.  For instance, the budget.  When my Wife tries to explain our budget, I get overwhelmed and angry.  Not because she does a bad job.  She is the BEST budgeteer in the world.  Our credit rating is because of her exceptional financial management.  But, the details of our budget, or even the talk of money, upsets me.  So, think hope upset I get when I get barraged with "What Ifs" about what can or will go wrong on a trip, with a purchase, or what ever.  I don't need or want to hear about issues or potential problems.  Just tell me where to be and what to do or say!!

One other point.  When we toured the "Memory Support Unit" of a Senior's Community yesterday, I noticed a man there who did not look like he belonged.  He WAS a resident of the Memory Support Unit, but he was well kept.  Shaved, hair combed well.  Clean, pressed clothes, and he was sitting, very comfortably, alone, on a couch, reading a magazine.  All the other residents looked like they belonged there.  You know the look.  Hair not quite right.  Men needing shaves.  Clothes wrinkled and disheveled, sitting in a group on a couch, staring off into space.  The man I described looked just like me!  And since I felt SO comfortable in that facility, I wondered why he was there and if I should be there!  That facility, the security, the rooms, the ambiance of the place, made me feel safe, comforted, and secure.  I find that interesting.  Maybe I am farther down the road than I think.  

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The move to a retirement community

Today, we continued the search for an acceptable retirement community.  We have looked at quite a few communities and have our names on a waiting list for a community that is, by all accounts, the best in the area.  We have found three communities that are acceptable.  In my view, today's was the best.  The independent living portion was beautiful.  It was made up of individual cottages, all 1400 sq ft or more.  All with a garage and in home laundry.  All utilities were paid and one meal a day was provided along with weekly housekeeping.

The assisted living apartments were equally nice.  There, we would get three meals a day and therefore, the apartments did not have full kitchens.  There were microwaves and a refrigerator.  But the Memory Support unit was the best.  There were small, private rooms, with private baths.  Very nicely appointed.  Then nice common areas and outside walking and sitting areas in a park like setting.    The entire area, inside and out, was secure!  No way out for the residents.  This immediately put me at ease!

I have discussed before, that when I am home alone, I will NOT go out of the house.  I am afraid to gout on my own.  If my wife is home, I will go out, talk to neighbors, get the mail, do yard work.  But, if I am alone, I stay inside.  But walking the grounds of the Memory Support unit made me feel at peace.  Safe,  Secure.

This is a very hard decision for my wife.  There are serious financial considerations to ponder.  We have a beautiful home that I still can maintain, for now.  How long is the question.   Living in our present home is less expensive than the community we looked at today by a factor of 2.  Meaning it would cost us twice as much to go live in the community as we pay now.  So, don't think I do not appreciate the difficulty of my wife's decision.  Yet, I felt so secure, even in the independent living cottages.

My position is that we need to get into a community while I am still functioning mentally.  And we do not know how ling that will be.  Some days I am good as gold.  Others, not so much.  And the "Not so much" days are more frequent and more pronounced than they were.   In my previous position as the long term planner of the family, I believe now is the time to sell our house and move.  We disagree on this point.  My wife would like to wait for the community we are waiting for.  That wait list has not budged.  And, giving one third of our retirement savings to a management community is a little daunting for both of us.  While the community we looked at today does not require an "Up Front" fee. Of course, they do not guarantee the price of future care either.  All of these factors make this decision the most difficult one of our life.

Maybe I should defer to my wife's clear, unemotional, mind.  But, security sure was comfortable.

Note:  There is one other option.  I am on the waiting list for the Armed Forces Retirement Home in Gulf Port, Mississippi.  We have toured this facility an it is OUTSTANDING!!  I felt totally comfortable there.  There is one issue.  It is only for me!  That may be OK since mi wife may not need or want a senior community.   According to the administrator I should be offered a room in November of this year.  We will see.

All I know is I need, maybe even crave, security!  And I need to be in a facility that will meet my needs, before those needs become the driver themselves.  I hope that makes sense to you.  Because it consumes me.

One last thought on this topic tonight.  I would feel very comfortable moving into an assisted living facility like the one we saw today.  The apartments were roomy, comfortable, and all inclusive.  That thought makes my wife feel like she is loosing her independence!  She feels imprisoned by that type of facility.  That is where we differ.  I try to look at her point of view.  But, it is hard for me to see.  And I believe the independent living portion of a community is s good compromise.  Again, maybe I am wrong and it is just my LBD taking.  I no longer can make these types of decisions based on logic.  My wants are now dictated by what I perceive I need baked on how I believe I am at the time I am making the decision.  I guess I am like a two year old!  I want what I want, now!!  There, that sums my point of view up precisely.  How is that for being totally honest?

What do I think about all day?

One of the readers left me a reply asking "What does he think about all day?" referring to his father, a LBD patient also.  I can answer that question from my perspective.   I am in the second half of my journey with LBD.   The disease has progressed in unpredictable jumps and fits.   In the past, in the first half, of this journey, I had periods where I felt like nothing was wrong.  Then, I would be overwhelmed with LBD issues!   Now, LBD is with me all the time.

I spend most of my day, thinking about my Navy career.  I often have vivid memories of precise events that I was part of.  I feel like those events are actually happening at the moment.  I talk to myself like there were two of us.  In my mind, I am actually "At Work" some times.  Nights are different.  As the sun goes down, I become agitated, grumpy, and sensitive to television shows.  Tense,  combat related, shows cause me to become so agitated that I walk into different rooms to break away.

I dream vivid dreams every night.  Actually, every time I sleep, even naps.  These dreams are real to me.  I often wake up with thoughts that continue the dream through the day.  For instance, I was NEVER a Prisoner of War.  But, I have a recurring dream track that places me as a POW and I am trying to escape.  Yesterday, I woke up and actually thought I was a POW.  The thought still is in my mind, a day later.

How can I be so descriptive of these thoughts and emotions.  It is 7:45 AM and I have been up for an hour.  I am fresh and the sun is bright.  My mind is at it's best.  I will be this way until I begin to tire, about noon.  Then I will take a nap for 4 hours.  The rest of my day, I am trapped in my mind.  Mornings seem to be the only time I am mentally alert and close to the reality of the day.  My wife knows this and uses this "Alert" time to encourage me to do those things that still require my attention.  She also schedules appointments for this period.

I do not know how this will progress.  I know how things are right now.  I hope this helps answer the question that I know many care givers have.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

"It's Show Time!!

The Church that we attend here in Pensacola is a mid size congregation.  But like any Church, they always seem to need people to do things.   Each week, the Church highlights a Missionary they support and a country in the world that persecutes Christianity.  One of the Elders that does the opening remarks asked me today to do the presentation on these subjects.  I said, no sweat!

You may know that our Home Church in Virginia Beach is Grace Community Church, a Grace Brethren Church that chose to Ordain me.  The decision to move here was a surprise to me and our Church!

I miss Grace Community Church in Virginia Beach.  I miss preaching, as a substitute, teaching Sunday School, leading Wednesday night Prayer Service, and learning from my Pastor, Fred Devan.  He taught me, mentored me, helped me mature, and encouraged me to do things for God I never thought possible.  The years I spent at Grace were the best Christian growth years of my life.  You all know I want to go home.  But, I can't.

We have a ministry at a local Assisted Living Facility where I lead a Bible Study every Thursday.  Functionally, I present a 45 minute sermon on the Chapter we are studying.  We are presently in Acts and will work our way, all the way through, chapter by chapter.  It is a good way to study God's Word.

We also bring Communion to our friends at the Assisted Living Facility once a month.  I have also had the pleasure and honor of Baptizing one of the residents.  Until now, this has been our only ministry here.  It is fulfilling, but,  wanted to preach.  Of course, Pastors guard their pulpit cautiously, as they should.  And, since i am only a Lay Pastor, I fully understand.

Then, there is the issue of my LBD.  The disease has progressed in the last year and my wife worries about my ability to get up in front of a large group and Preach God's Word.  I do get confused, lost, and even momentarily loose the ability to read!

Yet, when I am doing God's Work, it is "Show Time!"  Now, if you know about LBD you know patients of this roller coaster disease often put on a "Show" for company or doctors, and then go back to "Normal" when they are at home, zone, with you!

Presenting God's Word activates my "Show Time" ability.  Today, when I made the presentation about the Safe Harbor Crisis Pregnancy Center and the Islamic Country of Iran, I was sharp, clear, precise, and on target!!!   It felt very good to be behind the Pulpit, if only for 5 minutes.

In September, we will be back in Virginia Beach.  I pray Pastor Fred will offer me the opportunity to Preach.  I love serving our Lord!!

Did you go to Church today??

Friday, July 4, 2014

I never expected to end up like this!

I the movie "REDS", a comical movie about some retired CIA operatives that get classified, Retired, Extremely Dangerous, one of the retired operatives, who is living in s rest home, tells his retired operative friend; "I never expected to end up like this!"  He goes on to briefly name all the dangerous missions he was on and then say:  "But stage 4 liver cancer, in a rest home?  never thought I would end up like this."

I can identify with the character Morgan Freeman played.  I always thought I would die on a ship, in a gun mount, or somehow doing something dangerous.  I did not shy away from danger or difficult missions.  As a matter of fact, I volunteered for them.  When I was getting ready to go back to Sea Duty, from being the Gunner's Mate Detailer, I was offered another tour in Washington D.C. as the "New Construction" Detailer.  I quickly turned it down!!  Not for me.

Now, I am dealing with Lewy Body Dementia.  A very invidious disease that ebbs and flows confusing the patient and the caregiver.  Recently my thoughts have returned to my own mortality.  At a recent Gun Show with my neighbor and my son, I said something without thinking.  The neighbor and I were looking at a gun, I do not remember which one, and he asked me if I was going to buy it?  I quickly and without forethought said:  "Hell no.  I am dieing, I don't need anymore guns!"  The sound of those words coming out of my mouth were shocking to me.

Much like that night when I laid, stuck to the bottom of a windshield after crashing face first through it.  Paralyzed, I heard a woman's voice say; "Are they dead?"  I thought, I might be!!  But, I wasn't, just knocked out.  But now, I will not rebound.

I have bounced well during my life.  Windshields, concussions, colon surgery, all no big deal.  Heck, I worked a full day after going through that windshield!!  I had to or Chief Mowery was going to punch me!
Now, I just want to sit here and rest.

No, I never expected to end up this way, but God knew I would and He made provisions for me.  A good wife, good medical coverage, a comfortable home, and a Savior to pay the price for my sins!  Maybe this is not as bad a situation as I first thought.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Why is everything MY fault!!

Today, I was told by my wife that is is my fault that our Grandsons don't pay attention to my sea stories!!  It is also me and other veterans fault that we did not talk about our war stories and the wars were told from the prospective of the liberal writers.

First of all, my grandsons were never interested in my sea stories.  All they care about is those damn video games!  If it is not on an electronic device they can play with 24/7, they are NOT interested.  Their loss.

Second, when the Vietnam war was over, we were treated with disdain in public.  Spit on, hit, cussed at, and treated with general disrespect.  The idea of telling someone about what we did or went through was dumb!  We did not need to be berated too many times before we shut up. I can only punch so many Hari Krishna fools before I get in trouble!!

So, don't blame me or my generation.  Nor the veterans of the World Wars or Korea.  You were not interested in what we did or suffered.  You were all homes, warm, dry, comfortable, well fed, and safe, while we were doing the opposite of anything you might imagine.  You don't care now and your did not care then.  This is why I am only comfortable with Veterans and especially Navy, Black Shoe, Veterans.  My Israel Navy Master Chief friend, Oded Ogoor, used to say; "If you ain't a Gunner's Mate, your Ain't shit!!  I am not that hard over.  But I love to be with my Brothers in Arms.

Maybe I will get accepted in the Armed Forces Retirement Home at Gulfport Mississippi.  The last I heard, I would be in by November of this year.  I can only hope!!  Until then, just leave me alone!!  I am tired of being the fault of everything.

I need to learn to be content!

The Apostle Paul said we should learn to be content in what ever state we are in.  I believe he even meant Florida!  At least, that's how I am taking his admonition.  I have had major difficulties getting comfortable living in Florida without my Navy buddies.  But I am trying to at least be quiet about my dislike for my present living situation.

It is simply unfair to have my displeasure negatively impact my wife's happiness.  My career and my wanderlust has caused he difficulties throughout our marriage.  She wants to be in Florida, close to the Grand Kids and it is my responsibility to make that happen!!  And I will.

And, living in Florida has it's benefits.  Low taxes, good weather, central location.  I have just been a grump about this and I am sorry.  So, from now on, at least until the Grand Kids are out of High School, Florida is where I live, contently.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Spacial issues

Riding in the car has become very exciting!   It seems I have an issue with the closeness of things, mostly other cars, around me.  I have screamed for my wife to stop a couple of times recently.  A couple of weeks ago, I hallucinated a car hitting us in my side of the car as we pulled out of the Church parking lot.

I remember driving with my Father in Law.  He had Alzheimer's and would offer advice, like; Go ahead and pull out, it's clear!   Just as a tractor trailer went by!!  So, I have had experience with this, but my screaming seems to upset my wife.  Imagine that.

Pulling into a parking lot is interesting also.  I think she is far to close to another car, parked in the adjacent space.  I try to apply my brakes to no avail!!  So, I scream in terror!

There is a joke going around that states; I want to die like Grandpa did, peacefully in my sleep.  Not screaming in terror as the 4 other people in the car did when Grandpa hit that Semi!!

It seems I need to go to sleep when I am in the car and then I won't be so frightened!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

How small issues cause big problems for people with Dementia

I have written a number of posts about how seemingly small issues are blown up into major issues for those of us with any type of Dementia. For instance, today, we went to the Commissary for groceries.  While checking out, the bagger dropped a glass container and it broke.  The check out line came to a complete stop so everyone could clean up the mess.  Of course, I was enraged at their stupidity!!  In my professional view, they should have called "Wet Clean up on isle 6!" and kept on doing business!  So, naturally, I let my steam boil over and got "Shushed" repeatedly by my wife.   I got angry at her for telling me to be quiet when I new the way to fix this simple issue!  I was mad because they were not doing what I thought they needed to do.  Just how stupid are these people!!

Of course, there were the stupid people in the isles shopping in those power carts!  They take up and block entire isles for hours!!   More idiots!  Or the fact that my new neighbor cuts her lawn too short.  The bottom line is, little things, that would not have made me angry in the past, now drive me into a rage at a minutes notice.  And of course, I stay agitated for a long time.

My wife and I both know it is caused by the LBD.  But that does not make it any easier for her to deal with.  She still has some influence on me.  But, that will probably evaporate in the near future.

I know others with Dementia and their care givers deal with this anger issue.  My goal is to express the emotions from my perspective.  My goal is to live peaceably with everyone around me.  LBD has the goal of keeping me from that peaceful goal.  Now, you can see my conflict.

Of course, there  is also the issue that I feel people are purposely doing things to aggravate me!  Or they are following me, seeking me out to make mad, or trying to do harm to me.  All of these emotions are active in my mind, all of the time.

Many times, I hide in bed to deal with my negative emotions.  But, when I am in public, there is no place to hide.     As I said, this will become an increasing issue.  How do I know that?  Because it has already increased in occurrence and intensity.

More to come.