Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Future? What future?!

I have been married for 41 years.  Much of that time, we made little money.   After I made Senior Chief, our finances started to look up.  Now, because of my many deployments, my wife has always ran our day to day finances.  She still does, even in retirement.  Why, because she is the best budget manager in the world!  I owe our credit rating, our economic accomplishments, and our financial security to my wife's magnificent financial management.  My part of our financial plan has been the long term decisions.  Early in our marriage, I had little to do. Later, I made some good decisions that made us good interest on our savings.   Because of her day to day management and my long term planning, we have a good retirement.

But now, I see no future!  When we are told to "Wait" for admission to the ONE acceptable Continuing Care Retirement Community in the Pensacola area, I have great difficulty waiting.  I have issues that no one understands or even know about.  Why?  Because they do not look at life from the same prospective that I do.  It is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone that does not have LBD, to understand how anything impacts me.

Early in my journey, my wife angrily told me that this disease was not just about me!  Well, yes it is!!  I will admit that the way the disease impacts me has an impact on her.  But, I am the one that has these issues.  She still has a future.  It may be without me, but she still has a future and a good one.  Me, not so much.  And any future I do have will be with severe limitations.  I already cannot drive alone.  I am a quasi prisoner in my own home.  I can't even go get a haircut without an escort!!  I used to go around the world on Navy ships and go on liberty in places most of you would never think of going!  Now, I need a baby sitter.  Yes, it IS about me!!

I need to move into a community that I can have some movement in.  A place that has recreational facilities, a library, a coffee lounge, a barber shop.  A place where the people recognize me and can make sure I don't go too far.  I need some freedom, with limits, I understand, but some freedom.  That place is a long way off if at all.

So, when someone tells me to wait, that will happen in the future.  Maybe 6 months from now.  My reply, always silent, is what future?  I just don't see it.

P.S.  I said my reply to statements to the future is always silent.  This forum is my only outlet of frustration and pain.  My personal goal is to isolate my wife from as much of the frustration of LBD as I can.  I read on the web site about caregivers dealing with verbal and even physical abuse form their loved ones.  I never want to be abusive to her in any way.  So, as long as I am able, I will keep my emotions inside.  She has enough to worry about.  Now, I do tell her about my issues and frustrations in a soft and gentle way.  Maybe that prevents her from really understanding how these issues effect me.  This truly is a difficult thing to manage.

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