Tonight, like every evening, I sit her, absolutely angry, grumpy, overwhelmed, and pissed off. Everything grates on me. Noise, commercials, the dogs antics, my wife's chatter, the news, the telephone ringing, the door bell, everything!!
Every night is like this!! Like, right this minute, there is a commercial on the television with a man YELLING!! It sends me through the roof.
Now, I can still control my yelling and screaming. But, more and more, I have problems even being civil to my wife at night. She understands, but that does not make it easier on me! I do try very hard not to yell because it causes her issues and I want to be respectful of her emotions. Just because I have issues does not mean I should make her miserable.
My question is; What is bothering me that makes me so angry at night. Yes, I understand the concept of "Sun Downing". But, there has to be more to it than the sun going down.
Tonight, and the last few nights, I have had overwhelming thoughts of my own death. Now, death has not bothered me for decades. I was a career Gunner's Mate in the Navy and a Gunner's Mater Tech Rep as a civilian for a while. In that profession, you deal with the continuous proposition of death because of gun mounts blowing up, mechanical equipment killing you, electrocution, explosions of ammunition, and the normal dangers of going to sea on a combat vessel.
Yet, I see my LBD progressing from inside my being, and I know this will lead to my "going home". Again, I am not afraid of death. I am a born again believer and servant of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. Jesus paid the price for me to enter Heaven. Yet, my own death has been a constant companion for the last few days.
It could be the serious medical issues my Pastor friend and mentor in Virginia Beach has been going through that has my thoughts on this topic. I am not sure. But, the thought is in my mind in any case.
LBD is a lonely disease for me. I suffer it in silence, alone, enduring the diminished menial capability that others do not notice. Or, they say; You look find. I would not know you have LBD! Then there is the recent increase in instability. But, most don't notice. Yet, I do, and it is constantly on my mind. I forget words, things I wanted to remember to do, even where I am at times!! Yet, I suffer alone.
Naps help. I go to sleep early when I am so grumpy that I am bad company for my wife. I mental fight the urge to scream at the thing that frustrate me. But, the fight is alone.
So, every night I deal with my anger, frustration, and even depression. No wonder I don't like evenings.