Friday, April 25, 2014

Thoughts of the past and why?

It is almost midnight and I was sitting here in my recliner. thinking about the past, as I do most times.  I was reminiscing about a recent Skype telephone call I had with the group of managers I used to work with.  My friend, Steve had set up this call to reconnect me with the guys I worked with.  They were out for a birthday lunch, a tradition our Boss, Alan, had set up.   I enjoy seeing and talking with the people that I went through so much with.  The connection is good for me.

During that call, I asked my Alan if he was ready to have me back?  He really did not want me to retire and tried very hard to help me continue to work.  But, I knew it was time to retire and he helped me do just that.   The question that came into my mind was, Why did I ask Alan if I could come back?

The answer to that is difficult to face for me.  The answer is, I felt important, useful, and needed, when I worked for the Navy.  None of those qualities exist in my life now.  I had technical experience and knowledge.  I was one of the managers that had done just about everything.  I had a Navy background in Uniform and as a Civil Servant.  I briefed Congressmen, Senators, the CNO, Secretary of the Navy, and more Admirals than I care to remember.  I was unflappable and bulletproof, at least in my own mind.  Now, I am neither bulletproof or valuable.  That is hard for me to deal with.

As the degradation of my mental and physical capabilities continues, little things remind me that I am decreasing.  For instance, when I have a bowel accident, I realize how little I am in control of now.  This is tough for me to deal with.

Today has been a day filled with reality and I always try to bring that reality to those of you who read my blog.  Not to make you sad or to evoke sympathy.  But to convey the emotions and thoughts that I am going through.  LBD is a tough journey that tests my morale and faith.  I will not be defeated.  But I am sure there are a few more hits before the fight is over.

For Steve;  You are a great friend and I have watched you show compassion to many people for a long time.  I appreciate what you have done and continue to do for me.  Thanks Pal!

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