Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Old music that runs through my mind

I am 63 years old.  I have fond memories of each summer when my Grandmother came from Florida to visit.  Se stayed with us and she was fun.  She played piano for silent movies in her past and was also a Vaudeville entertainer.   We had an old upright piano and she would play the old songs.  Al Jolson and Eddie Cantor songs.  And those songs, including all of the words, still run in my memory!

While my mind can no longer see a future, it lives in the past.  I can see that house on Puritas Road in Cleveland.  My Mom and Dads bedroom off the living room, where the piano was.  My Grandma Lane, her white hair cut short, playing the piano, while her left food bounced to keep time!  Those songs are precious to me just like those memories.  Grandma Lane was the lady who most influenced me to seek Christ!  She was a prayer warrior and a staunch believer in the Gospel.  Yes, she rolled her own cigarettes.  But, everyone has some faults!  I loved her.

Old music runs through my mind constantly.  It keeps me company and soothes my anger.  I sing it quietly to myself.  Jolson, George Jones, even Martial Music (military tunes).  I still remember my Junior High School song!!  I do not like any of the new music.  Not even the modern praise music sung in some churches today!  If it is after Bill Gaither, I don't like it!!   I have a friend back at our home Church that says the modern praise music is 7/11 music!  That's seven verses sung eleven times!!  I agree!!

It is said, music soothes the savage beast.   I my case, that is true.  More old music please.


Monday, April 28, 2014

Anger and rage just wash over me

I truly wish I could look into my brain and see where the tangles of Lewy Body are effecting me.  Why, because for the last couple of weeks, rage and anger have been washing over me in increasing amounts and times!  I am still able to control it and I did make my neurologist aware of this development.   He told my wife to let him know if anything got worse or changed.  She has not called him yet.

One way I deal with this rage and anger is to go to bed.  The solitude and isolation help me cope and reduce the emotions I feel.  Quiet, dark, alone, no interaction with anyone.  Just me and the poodles.  It works for now and I hope it continues to help.

I am trying very hard to avoid taking any medicines for this condition since I know they will have a negative impact on my awareness.  And I take so many drugs now, that I really am reticent to add anything to my regimen.

We know that emotional outbursts are part of LBD.  That does not make it any easier on Linda.  The rage and anger make me feel bad after the episode, even if I say noting that upsets her.  Keeping these emotions in is just as bad for me as an outburst is for her.

I can see where placing me in a facility, separate from her, might be good for her.  I must say I am not looking forward to that, but I know it is coming.  Again, our hope is that the CCRC will become available before I absolutely require professional care.  I guess I am not a candidate yet.  Since I can still discuss the topic without emotion.

So, another LBD issue increases and becomes a driver instead of a side issue.  What next?!

Friday, April 25, 2014

Thoughts of the past and why?

It is almost midnight and I was sitting here in my recliner. thinking about the past, as I do most times.  I was reminiscing about a recent Skype telephone call I had with the group of managers I used to work with.  My friend, Steve had set up this call to reconnect me with the guys I worked with.  They were out for a birthday lunch, a tradition our Boss, Alan, had set up.   I enjoy seeing and talking with the people that I went through so much with.  The connection is good for me.

During that call, I asked my Alan if he was ready to have me back?  He really did not want me to retire and tried very hard to help me continue to work.  But, I knew it was time to retire and he helped me do just that.   The question that came into my mind was, Why did I ask Alan if I could come back?

The answer to that is difficult to face for me.  The answer is, I felt important, useful, and needed, when I worked for the Navy.  None of those qualities exist in my life now.  I had technical experience and knowledge.  I was one of the managers that had done just about everything.  I had a Navy background in Uniform and as a Civil Servant.  I briefed Congressmen, Senators, the CNO, Secretary of the Navy, and more Admirals than I care to remember.  I was unflappable and bulletproof, at least in my own mind.  Now, I am neither bulletproof or valuable.  That is hard for me to deal with.

As the degradation of my mental and physical capabilities continues, little things remind me that I am decreasing.  For instance, when I have a bowel accident, I realize how little I am in control of now.  This is tough for me to deal with.

Today has been a day filled with reality and I always try to bring that reality to those of you who read my blog.  Not to make you sad or to evoke sympathy.  But to convey the emotions and thoughts that I am going through.  LBD is a tough journey that tests my morale and faith.  I will not be defeated.  But I am sure there are a few more hits before the fight is over.

For Steve;  You are a great friend and I have watched you show compassion to many people for a long time.  I appreciate what you have done and continue to do for me.  Thanks Pal!
 

The caregiver's from the patient's point of view

I feel sorry for my wife.  This is not the retirement we expected or planned for.  Both of us worked diligently and saved everything we could.  Now, she has to manage my medicines, chauffeur me around, and worry about me when she leaves me alone at home.  Furthermore, she has to worry about getting us into a Continuing Care retirement Community of the Armed Forces Retirement Home before I can no longer pass the mental requirements.

I see the worry on her face, the sleepless nights, and the stress of constant worry.  I know the future hold more caregiver stress and fear.   She has even tried to get me connected to Surface Navy folks in the area.  She is planning on taking me to the Fleet Reserve Association Branch in Milton, just to talk to other Surface Sailors.  She is wonderful and she would sacrifice anything to make me secure and happy.  She always has been that way.  This time, I will not let her do the sacrificing!!

Yet my wife is a strong woman.  Dedicated to my well being and care.  I have apologized for getting sick and she always tells me, she signed on for the long haul when we got married.  She tells me we got married for better or worse!  And, she reminds me that we retired before this got real bad.  So, we have had some good time together.

Now, we need to get into someplace that has continuing care, soon.  Because I see her worry about what to do with me if a CCRC does not accept me.   We both want to trust God for his providing.  But, this recent acceleration of my LBD makes both of us worried about the future.  I have the advantage of forgetting the future most of the time.

Being a caregiver for a Dementia patient is a difficult task.  Being the caregiver for a Dementia patient that is someone you love is overwhelming.  I love my wife!!  

Am I suicidal?

Am I suicidal?  No.  Homicidal?  No, I like women?   At least that is how I answer that question whenever I am asked and I get asked by every doctor I see.  I also get asked if I feel safe in my home.  Today, my wife was asked during my Neurologist's visit if SHE felt safe with me around?  My question is;  What would happen if I said NO to any of these questions.

I asked my wife that question as she drove home.  Her view was they would heavily medicate me.  My view was that they would incarcerate me.  Both are probably partially true. I realize the medical profession is required to ask those questions, but do they really expect an honest answer from the patient that is farther in his journey than I am?  And if I was an abusive husband, would my wife say she felt safe in our home with me there?  Let me answer that; No!

But the question still remains there, am I suicidal or homicidal?  I can honestly say no.  Am I frustrated with the recent downturn in my condition; Yes.  But that should be normal.

The bottom line is, I think the medical profession needs to find a better way to get the answer to this question.  For instance, a telephone call or email to the caregiver.  And a series of questions that actually seek out the mental health of the patient.  Most of us know, until we are so far gone that it does not matter, how to answer those questions and still keep our liberty card!


Latest Neurologist Visit

Today, we went to my Neurologist for a six month check up.  I like this Neurologist because he listens, digests the information, and then asked his questions.  He also asks my wife validating questions about my progression.  This was a good visit.

I always provide the doctor with a typed list of symptoms that are new, changed, or increased.  This time I broke them into Mental and Physical issues.  He appreciates that level of organization and it helps the appointment go smoothly.  I do not have to depend on my memory to discuss issues that have occurred over the last six months.  Naturally, my wife pre-reads this list and makes her corrections and comments.

You may be wondering why we only see the Neurologist every six months?  Why see him more?  There is nothing he can do except give me more meds to combat new or increased issues.  And, I will fight him if he does try to give me any more drugs!  Now, if I become violent, I will not fight drugs or placement in a facility.  That is, if I know what I am doing.  He did ask my wife if she still felt safe with me.  She does.  And he asked her about my driving.  She gave me a good report, although she did confirm I keep large distances from cars and I drive much more deliberately now.  Driving for me now requires much more concentration and attention.  I still drive well, but I expend much more energy than I used too.  Driving used to be automatic!!  No more.  I have told you that I have cut my driving down.  As directed, I never drive alone.  We do not go out at night, and I drive less and less.  You might now say I am becoming a good passenger!  I did not used to be.

The Doctor agreed with Linda and me that the disease has progressed, maybe even faster than he expected.  He also told Linda to call him if there are any other changes!   So, scheduled visits more frequent than six months are just not necessary.

Now, we have to deal with my pending hernia surgery.  The Neurologist agreed I had to have that repaired.  He also agreed that I most likely would have negative issues with general anesthesia.  Otherwise, chances are I will not wake up in the same time zone.  But, he told me it would be reckless not to have the hernia repaired.  So, I am going forward wit the surgery.

Things have progressed and we know it.  We will continue to do the best we can.  There was a country music song a long time ago titled; "Making the Best of a Bad Situation."  That's my plan!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Where I am, mentally, now

It is time to take inventory of where I am mentally.  I have written recently about the changes in my mental condition but I have not really told you exactly what has changed.  So, here goes.

First, my memory has degraded and I have difficulty recalling important facts required for living.  For instance, my address, zip code, telephone number, and the names of the medicines I take and for what.

Second, I cannot regulate my body temperature.  That is an autonomic function and one that is now being effected by LBD.  Another autonomic function that is being impacted is bowel and urine control.  Enough said there.

Third, when I ride in the car, speed is amplified and distances are much shorter between the car in front of us.  I yell for my wife to slow down and stop or back off from the car in front of us.  My eyesight is being impacted by the LBD.

Fourth, I cannot translate written instructions, like a cooking recipe, into physical actions.  I simply cannot comprehend what I read.

Additionally, I have noticed some physical issues increasing.  For instance, at night, when I first lay down, my body convulses.  I violently shake from head to toe a couple of times before my body relaxes.  Also, my stability walking is getting worse and my legs hurt constantly.  I am weaker and I have very little energy.  So, there is progression there too.

Naturally, I have problems holding meaningful conversations and I have difficulties finding the word I want to use.  This is more prevalent in the evening.  My mind spends most of the time in the past.  I often tell stories about my Navy past whenever I get into a conversation.  Also, I get frustrated and angry when people do not want to listen to my stories.

These are normal changes for the state of my disease.  If you are new to LBD, this gives you an idea where your loved one is headed.  If you are my friend or family member, if you want a meaningful conversation or information from me, you better act quick.  It seems the strength of Lewy Body Dementia is overwhelming the effectiveness of the meds.

One other issue.  My wife has noticed that when she says something to me,  I say "What" immediately.  It is not that I can't hear her, it is that I am processing what she says and I have the need to reply to her immediately, even though I mentally have not processed what she said.  Again, my brain can't process things very fast and this is my defensive reaction to that slowness.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Everything seems so far away!

Have you ever woke up from a nap and everything seemed far away?  The voices you heard were distant and everything you saw seemed distant of as if you were looking through a tube?  I feel that way most of the time now.  It is the newest evidence that the journey is increasing in intensity.

It is somewhat frustrating because I feel so disoriented.   I especially get this feeling in crowds like I described yesterday at church.  In crowds the "Distant" feeling makes me anxious and fearful.  It is as if my sensors are maxed out!  I also have this effect when riding in the car.  For instance, when my wife is approaching a vehicle from behind, the car seems to approach us much faster than she sees it.  I start to yell for her to stop!  She handles it well, but I bet it is aggravating for her.  When I drive, yes, I still drive but not alone, I stop much farther back than she does or I probably used too.  I suspect that frustrates my wife and the other drivers on the road.  I guess it is my turn to aggravate other drivers!!

All of these issues point to progression.  I just hope the progression does not keep me out of a place to live.  Both the Navy Home and Azalea Trace require me to be a "Full Up Round" by their evaluation at my entrance.  We have decided that we will move me into either one that opens up first.  My last communications with the Navy Home administrator stated that I should expect a room in November of this year.  We have no indication on Azalea Trace.  So, we will see.

We always knew this was progressive disease.  We have have experienced a slow progression up to now, so I have nothing to complain about.  And, as my friend, the In Service Engineering Agent for the Diesel Engines on the U.S. Navy Mine Sweepers, Betsy Walsh, says;  It will be what it will be!

Sunday, April 20, 2014

As time goes bye

We had a wonderful morning at Church today.  Easter Sunday is always an uplifting day.  The reassurance that our Savior, paid, in full, the entire cost to purchase our freedom from the penalty of our sins lifts my spirits and calms my soul.

We had a breakfast at the Church before Sunday Services.  I still think it is strange that we do not have a Son Rise service first, then the breakfast, and then, Resurrection Sunday Church Services.  But, maybe I am old fashion.

The large crowd at church overwhelmed me.  There are too many people talking, moving, interacting, children running around, crying, food smells, and furniture in different places.  It is sensory overload for me.  As my wife drove home, I told her I was not doing well and she told me she understood.  She was talking with a lady before we left the church and my disease came up as a topic along with our possible move to the Continuing Care Retirement Community.  As she told me about that conversation, I broke in and told her;  "They better hurry and get me in soon or I won't qualify!"  She told me she knew that.

It is true, I wrote before that I was experiencing an acceleration in my rate of decline.  I see my decline more and more each day.  My lack of ability to translate directions into actions.  Lost thoughts, lost words and a general decline in my conversation skills.   More dreams, REM sleep disorder issues, and some other issues.

I really have no complaints and if I become catatonic tomorrow, I have had a wonderful life and up to now, my experience with LBD has been gentle and slow.   I have no right to ask God for an easy decline.  I only ask for his grace and mercy.

My mind wanders and I get lost in memories.  I make plans I know will never come to pass and then forget them.  Little seems to be important to me anymore.  I do not want to go anywhere or do anything.  I sleep in the afternoon and stay up most of the night.  I get the names of my son and grandsons wrong.  I am confused more that not.  But, I know my ticket to Heaven is bought, by Jesus.  Nothing else matters.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

The confusion of those who see me

Most people know  have Lewy Body Dementia.  Why, because, besides the Navy, it is the second most thing I talk about.  Why, because it dominates my thoughts and life.  Now, most people that I come in contact with me care very little about my disease or my Navy career.    But, they do treat me in a very curious manner when I have contact with them.

For instance, today we helped set up at the Church we attend, for tomorrow's Easter breakfast before Easter Service.  It seems strange to me the have a breakfast but no Sonrise Service!  But, who am I?  In any case, the Pastor of the Church was there and I helped him put out some books for folks to take about Easter.  He commented on the water proof wrapping of each book and I remembered a story told to me by a Missionary that was part of the underground that smuggled Bibles behind the Iron Curtain.  The Pastor looked at me like I had two heads!

Now, I admit I do have a lot of stories to tell.  Most are true.  But, I honestly do not understand why my relaying a story about smuggling Bibles to Christians in East Germany is weird when the Pastor was just carping about hermetically sealed, single book packaging!  Seems to me, if I were smuggling Bibles behind the Iron Curtain, I would want them hermetically sealed!!  But, he did not see the connection, obviously, and I was judged to be crazy!

Maybe he is right.  But people assume I am normal and that nothing is wrong with me, and then act repulsed when I do not act like they think I should!  I am doing the best I have and I think I am doing fairly well, all things considered.  I now understand how other mentally challenged people feel.  My brain works different now.  That is not my fault.  If they know I have LBD, they should be more understanding.

How I long to be back in Virginia, with my Church friends and Navy Buddies.  They have been with me from the start of this journey.  They understand me,  They live me.  For me, this move was a bad idea.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

The Isolation of Dementia

I experienced something recently that upsets me.  I realized that I am isolated, completely!  As you know I live in the memories of my past. Those memories are of my Navy career.  I love the Navy and I am proud of what I accomplished in the Navy and as a Civil Servant working for the Navy.  But, no one around me wants to hear about my memories or even respects them.  Instead, I was told, in so many words, to stop talking about the Navy.  I am, or better yet, who I am or was, is isolated, alone, and without any friendly contact.

I might as well be on a deserted island, alone.  Most of the conversations I have are with myself or with my friends in my memories.  While I thought the move to Florida might be a good idea, it is anything but that for me.  The overall, total, rejection of me is  more than I can bear and it is driving me further into isolation.

I remember a happy day in the past, when my Shipmate, Chuck Morton, surprised me by knocking on my apartment door in Virginia Beach.  Seeing him, talking with him, remembering our experiences together and the men we served with, was like medicine to my condition.

Yes, Shipmates call me and yes, I talk to Jerry every week.  Those calls keep me sane.  But, happy is not on the horizon.  With the exception of puking after getting drunk, I have never spent so much time and money being miserable that now.  Further more, I really do not think anyone gives a darn.

Without dementia, maybe I could adjust to my new surroundings, make friends, find something to do.  But, my mind is constantly in the Navy and those experiences related to the Navy.  And, no one either cares or wants to hear about my Navy experience.  I once said this area was very unfriendly.  Now I know it is me.   I am alone, in a sea of people, that don't speak my language and cannot see me.  Invisible and unheard.  In total isolation.  Even my wife cringes when I start to discuss Navy experiences.  But, maybe she has heard them all ten times before.

Do I answer questions honestly?

This question and sexual function questions are probably the two hottest topics on the care giver's mind.  Every time I visit my neurologist or my psychologist, they ask me if I am suicidal or homicidal.  I always answer no!  How do they know I am telling the truth?  Now, just for the record;  I am not suicidal and I like women!

There are other, less weighty questions I get asked on a regular basis.  Are you OK?  How are you doing?  Is everything OK?   My GP always asks if I feel safe in my home?  I always answer yes because I don't want to be placed somewhere the government thinks I would be safer!  See, there is a method to my madness.

I read an article today about Alzheimer's and Dementia patients ability to act "Normal" when required, for a short period of time.  I hope they did not spend too much money for that study.  They could have just asked a few of us and saved the money.  I have know for quite a while, and so does my wife, that  can put on a show of normalcy when required.  Now, the length of time that lasts is diminishing as this thing progresses.  But, I can still pretend to be OK for a while.

So, how does a care giver or doctor penetrate that layer or facade?   Maybe some never do.  My Father in Law seemed perfectly normal until his wife passed away.  Then his facade of normalcy shattered and we all knew he had dementia.  But, as long as his wife was alive to control him, and direct him in his daily tasks, he seemed the same as when I met him.

Do I answer questions honestly all the time.  No!  Yes, that is an honest answer!  Sometimes I feel terrible but say I am fine.  Why do we hide the facts of pain or mental confusion?  To hold onto the facade of normalcy.

There are some questions I always answer with total honesty.  Like; Do you feel good enough to drive?  If I have the slightest mental issues, I will NOT drive.  Why?  Because one mistake will cause me to loose my driving privilege totally.  So, honesty is imperative here.  Also, did you take your pills?  Did you take the dog's pills?  I always answer those questions quickly and honestly.

My wife always knows if I am not telling the truth or all of the truth.  Sometimes she let's me live in my facade and sometimes she will pry and dig until she discovers the truth.  Sometimes like a game of 50 questions. Sometimes, that is painful for me.  But, she feels she needs to know.

So, now you know from one LBD patient that we are not always honest in our answers to your questions.  But, you knew that already.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Dog pills now make a pattern

This morning, I woke up at 0830.  Got up, and went to take my thyroid medication like normal.  A few minutes later I discovered that I had taken Marcel's thyroid medication again!  This is now a pattern and not an isolated incident.

So, now my wife will take over administering the Dog's medicines.  The pills re not the real issue.  My recent loss of my ability to organize actions is.  This loss denotes a plateau drop in my mental functioning. With my pending surgery, that drop is not welcomed.

I have noticed mt inability to organize my thoughts and actions is a threat to my independence.  Yes, I knew it was coming and intact, I have had a longer period of good mental functions than I should have. That is because of my neurologist in Virginia.  But now, either the meds have lost their effectiveness or most likely, the Lewy Bodies have taken over more of my brain, tangling up my executive function.

So, I will have to concentrate on doing one thing at a time.  QIth my Wife's help, I will be OK for a while.

Friday, April 11, 2014

New physical challenges

A few days ago, I felt a familiar pain in the left side of my groin.  I made a doctor's appointment and today was the day.  My doctor performed the usual manual check; "Turn your ear to the left and cough"  And the results ere as I expected.  I am the proud owner of a new hernia!!

It is not my first hernia.  I had a large hernia on the right side a number of years ago, before my LBD diagnosis.  That hernia was repaired TWICE!  Yes, I blew out the repair job.  I asked the surgeon if he guaranteed his work, but he said I had exceeded the warranty conditions.

The last hernia, the blow out, I remember doing.  I was lifting book boxes during a move.  The first hernia I never knew I had.  No pain no indication until my doctor did a physical on me and did the normal male check.  This one is a surprise too.

Now, I will be totally honest.  As a Navy Gunner's Mate, I abused my body for the better part of 20 years and then ten years of my Civil Service career.  So, it is no surprise that parts of my muscle and bone structure are worn out.  I tore the rotator cuffing my right shoulder and had it repaired and now the left shoulder is torn and needs repair.  I was rode hard and put up wet!!

Of course, the concern is being placed under general anesthesia with LBD.  As I have been told by my neurologist and GP in Virginia, chances are I will not wake up in the same Zip zone and possibly not in the time zone!  But, since coughing causes some severe pain, this thing has to be repaired!  I can live with the left shoulder pain, but not the hernia.

But wait, since I am gong to chance General Anesthesia for the hernia, maybe I can talk the shoulder surgeon into working on my left shoulder at the same time!  It will save the insurance companies and Medicare some big bucks since I will already be in the hospital and asleep!!  I need to look into that one.

This is just another challenge in life.  Not a big deal, although the worst pain I have ever had was related to BOTH hernia operations!!  So, I hope pain meds have improved!!  I will keep you posted, if I wake up in the same time zone.  If not, it won't matter.  I pretty much live in my own world anyway, most of the time.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Latest Psychologist visit

Yesterday, I had my second visit with a Psychologist.  I continue to be impressed with his caring nature and interest in my well being.  He is easy to read!  Every time i say something he finds interesting or maybe even identifying a problem, he begins to write copious notes!!  Scribble, scribble, scribble, while never missing a thought I am discussion or any body language I may be transmitting.

We discussed at length, how I deal with the impact of LBD.  One of the things I told him, that caused much scribbling, was my view of the future.  While my wife is still very concerned about the future.  I can not even see a future!  I used to be very involved in future planning.  I had savings plans, next promotion plans, retirement plans, trip plans, next car plans, next house plans, I had a plan for everything that could possibly happen in the future.  I continued that planning through the early part of my disease, as if I was going to beat this or even be told they made a mistake.  Now I know, neither is true and I can no longer see even tomorrow!  I know this is a frustration to my wife, but it is where I am.

Another thing we discussed at length is my worries about being accepted into a Continuing Care Retirement Community.  These communities want new residents to be fully functioning when they move in.  The longer we have to wait for an apartment at Azalea Trace, the more remote the possibility that I will be accepted!  He encouraged me to cons idea a community close to us in Spanish Fort, Alabama.   I told him that facility was too far away from our now comfortable footprint of doctors, Bible studies, and family.  So, my frustration and anxiety continues.

Just the same, it is good to have an outsider to confide in and discuss issues that are bothering me without having to consider the feelings of the person I am talking with!   I don't have to carefully pick my words with him.

The last topic we discussed came with homework for me!  I told him I now felt I was in decline and possibly the last decline.  The final, slow, good bye.  He did not judge my statement or try to reason with me.   But he did ask me to provide him reason, feelings, noticed declines in physical or mental ability, on our next visit.  I have already started my list.  Again, this is good, since he did not try to talk me back to "Normalcy".  He just wanted me to document my feelings.

After two visits, three house of counseling, I can say emphatically, that this is good for me!  I do have on wee question I need to ask him.  Since he is from Alabama,  wonder if he is related to the famous NASCAR racing family, since his last name is Yarborough!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Confusion, withdrawal, and mental fog

I have written recently about the progression of my LBD. Recently, I have been experiencing more intense and often mental confusion.  Additionally, I am more withdrawn and I seem to love in my thoughts instead of the world around me.  I am actually repulsed by life!

I find myself standing in a room not knowing why I am standing.  Doing anything that causes me to go out of the house is a chore at best and repulsive most of the time.  Linda and I lead a Bible Study at a local Assisted Living Facility.  I love the people there and we are always welcomed and treated with love and respect by the residents and the staff.  But getting ready to go, studying the lesson, and preparing to lead the Bible Study, is like pulling teeth!  Once we are there, I enjoy myself.

This confusion and cognitive fog is more oppressive than ever before and I feel that no one noticed my issues, or cares about my well being.  I am writing from my emotional base right now.  Logically, I know my wife cares deeply for me.  Yet, getting constantly corrected for simple things adds to my dismay.  The other day, I got yelled at for sitting in her new chair, which is unused and sitting in her unused office!  I will never touch that chair again!
I have asked to go to a once a week event provided by the Alzheimer's Association that is directed at those with Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI).  I know I am a bit past that, but I think it would be good for me to interact with those who suffer similar issues as me.  It has not met with support.

My recliner is my place to slide into my mental world of relaxation and security.  While the television is normally on, I only watch a few shows a week.  Other than that I am either on the Internet looking at the diminishing list of things that interest me, or I am deep in thought about my past and friends that I miss.

I actually view the fog and confusion as my friends.  The help me escape from a world I no longer like!