Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Where do I go from here?

My last post generated some comments that I appreciate.  It is always good to have someone give you a gentle, caring, kick in the seat of the pants!   But the point is, the Psychologist WAS correct!  In my 40 year Navy career, I used my Type "A" personality to inject myself into every important mission.   Because of my experience, knowledge, boldness, and belief that I was the one who held the knowledge they needed, I was very successful.  Even those who did not like me had to respect me because I was almost always right.  You can't argue with success.

Now, my life is different.   So, how I deal with this is critical.  That was the Psychologist's message.  And I am now looking at my life and ways that I might be able to add "Value" to my life.  As Kathy reminded me, God did choose me to live the LBD life.  It was planned before I was made in my Mother's womb. (Psalm 139)   And yes, this blog is something that I do that has value.   This blog is also therapy for me.  I can express my frustrations, pains, and fears, to you, my LBD support group.  Thanks.

Since we moved to Florida, the frustration of not having any value connection has grown.  I tried volunteering at the USS Alabama Memorial.  But the drive to Mobile is too much for me and there is no one that can take me.  Also, the work on the Turrets was too physical for me.   So that was a non- starter.

There is also the Bible Study at the the Assisted Living Facility is something I love and they depend on me too.  But getting ready for that study is demanding for me.  I also write a Navy blog that is also therapy for me.  

There is another point that I have never discussed before.  I am stuck between two worlds.  Most of the time, I think I am still able to do anything!  Until I try to do something.  Then I realize I am not mentally or physically able to do what I used to do.  But I still want to!  Then, there are times when I don't want to do anything.  Especially in the evening.  Many nights I am somewhere between screaming and crying.  I miss my friends, my Church, the Navy, shooting events, and knowing people.    I am frustrated and even angry about what has happened to me.  Yet as I reflect on my life, I see so many mistakes, missteps, and character flaws.  Reflecting is not always good for me.

I told my wife the other night, and I wrote in in my personal journal, that I feel lost, misplaced, out of place.  I am not where I need to be but I don't know where I am supposed to be!   Sometimes, I want to throw everything away.  And other times, moving into a smaller place terrorizes me!  I am truly lost, without a direction, and without a desire to find out where I am supposed to go.  Lost!  I don't know where I was, where I am, or where I am going.  That frightening feeling was the first feeling that I experienced before I started this journey.  Totally lost, with no real value.  It would appear that I have found the root cause.

But, where do I go from here?  That is another question I don't have an answer too.

1 comment:

  1. Oh I so wish I had the words that could comfort you and your wife. I do understand your feelings to some degree. I'm sure my husband had many of the same ones, he just never talked about them, only reacted to them.
    I hope my last comments weren't too harsh. I was frustrated that someone would want to add distress to your ever changing world. You have enough in the above list.
    Please try not to reflect on too many negatives in the past. I KNOW, I KNOW, we all have them. If you can't change it, let it go, if you can, do. If you need to go yell at someone, just do it.
    Be angry and frustrated, give it to the Lord and then be gentle with yourself. You deserve it. Your wife deserves it. And God can deal with all of it.
    Keeping you on my daily prayer list.