Sunday, March 9, 2014

Disagreements, outbursts, and decisions

Maybe it will be easier when I am no long able to know or convey my desires.  Maybe it will be able when I don't care where I am or what I do.  Maybe things and people won't bother me when all I care about is sleep and ice cream.  But now, I still have opinions, desires, opinions, and emotions.  There in lies the problem!

Things upset me that never did before.  Now if you have known me for a while, you know I used to have an explosive temper.  I used that temper for good and bad.  Then, God taught me to control my temper, harness my emotions, and he taught me to love people.  For many years now, I have seldom lost my temper.  And each time I have, I have been ashamed of myself.

Now, LBD has taken away my social filters and I find myself unable to control my temper.  My outbursts are more frequent and more severe.  And while it is still not to the point of violence, I find myself more and more angry about things that should not upset me at all.  This concerns me more than anything else.

Last night, I lost my temper over an issue caused by our poodle getting under foot and tripping my wife.  I exploded!  Soon after I went to bed to brood and try to recompose myself.  It was 8PM.  When I got up this morning, I was only slightly better.  We went to Church but I admit I was very tempted not to go.  Church helped and the day progressed with me getting somewhat more in control and the gloom seemed to pass.  But the gloom returned this evening.

I have written before that I am unhappy with where and how we live.  But I would be hard pressed to select another place.  I do believe we would be better in a Continuing Care Retirement Community.  But the only one in our area is full!  We are on the waiting list, but it is not moving.  We saw an exceptional CCRC in Spanish Fort Alabama last Friday.  I believe it is perfect.  My wife disagrees.  I will not overrule her.  So, we wait and I stew.

We continue to try to make friends and establish relationships here.  But these people are unfriendly and clannish!!  We don't have a southern accent, so we are outsiders!!  Rednecks!  If they only knew us, they might change their mind!   But, since I think "Tar" is what you pave side roads with and not the four round things made of rubber on a car, we are outcasts.

My wife is a Saint.  She has a full plate, and I truly try not to add to her stress.  But it is hard when my desires conflict with her plans.  Maybe things will get better when I get worse.

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