Today, I had a Doctor's appointment with my GP. She is an exceptional doctor. Caring, interested, and dedicated to my well being. I have told her how lucky I am to have her as my doctor. In our discussion I admitted to her, at her questioning, that I normally pretended, acted like, and put on the face of, being normal. I also admitted to her that, for the first time, I feel defeated. The symptoms, issues, and problems caused by the Lewy Body tangles in my brain, are overwhelming me. That's it, the fight is over, throw in the towel, I loose. Lewy Body Dementia has won.
Now, much like a football team, down by 10 touchdowns, in the third quarter, I am not going to stop playing. I just know I cannot win and the loss will only get worse. That may upset some of you. It did me until I admitted it. Now, I am OK with it. Like the football team previously mentioned, admitting defeat may be the better part of valor. The bottom line is, I need to give into the issues of LBD and quit fighting them. I am tired of fighting.
My Doctor recommended I make an appointment with a counselor that I can openly address these issues with. I know she is right and I am going to contact a counselor that she recommended tomorrow. I need to talk to someone that has no investment in me! Why? Because everyone who has an investment in me wants me to be 100% all of the time. Because of that, I put on a brave front and act 100%. And, because of that, I am not honest about my how I feel mentally or what is happening in my mind.
Again, LBD is a journey. There are numerous way stations along the way. Victories and losses. Highs and lows. But if you ask the Quarterback of that loosing team if they had a chance to win when they came out for the second half, the answer would be a resounding, YES! Even though he knew they were out weighed by 1000 pounds on the offensive live and the receivers on the opposing team were a foot taller than their defenders! Oh, and the quarterback of the loosing team was blind! At some point, you have to get tired of saying, I am still going to win! And I am.
I also remember my best friend, Jerry's Mom at his daughters wedding. She had Lupus and we all worried about her. Evidently, many of us had asked her how she was doing and it was wearing thin. I stepped into an elevator that she was already on and I asked her; Hoe are your holding up? She replied loudly and curtly; Fine, what about you! The point is, she was tired of people asking and having to put on a brave face. She was extremely tired and worn out. I did not take exception to her comment and I hope most of you won't either. It's time for me to let this disease do it's thing.