Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Chasing life

I am up again tonight.  Unable to sleep because of anger issues.  It is interesting, as I look back over my life at the decisions I have made.  The accomplishments of my life and my failures.  The goals I have chased and accomplished and the goals that are left unfulfilled.  There are things that haunt me but few things that give me comfort.

One of the things that cause me great angst and emotional pain is the fact than no one that is a blood relative to me, in my generation or older will have any contact with me.  I have a half brother in Westlake, Ohio with the exact same name as me and he will not talk with me or write to me.   Maybe he thinks I want to take my share of the magnificent Dolence fortune!  Of course, there is no Dolence fortune.  Then there is my half sister, that contacted me!  She is our fathers daughter by his first marriage.  I was born after her, probably while her parents were getting a divorce.  She actually knew our Grandparents for a short time.  If you have not figured it our, our Father was a womanizing Cad that took NO responsibility for his progeny.   At least until after Sandi and were born.  He never paid a dime of child support for me.  He left my Mother to fend for herself.  He never wondered about me or had anything to do with me.  I did finally locate him when I was 31.  We talked on the telephone twice.  I told him I had a son, so he had a Grandson.  He was not interested.   He died in 1989.  Too bad.  His loss for not knowing me.

There are other kids out there fathered by Donald Andrew Dolence Sr.  They will have no contact with me either.  Curious, when I see one of those movies or television shows where the parent gets together with the long lost child.  You know the ones with the tearful happy, reunions, after decades of being apart.  Generally, the child was given up for option after a teen pregnancy!  Sound familiar.  Well, it is my experience that no one in polite society wants to have any contact with the "Bastard" son.

My birth Mother's own sister in law called me that!   Yes, Aunt Ella, Uncle John Kampf's wife, my Mother's Brother, did not want Betty's bastard son falling in live with her daughters!  Love, I was just happy to meet someone that I was related too.  I'm not from West Virginia, I don't date relatives!  Especially, First Cousins!!

Now, I was raised by the very best people in the world.  They loved me!  They were concerned that I would grow up angry at my circumstances.  They gave me direction and taught me to work hard.  I learned a lot from Mom and Dad.  They spent their retirement years raising a child that was not theirs!  They too me in, with little or no monetary help, and raised me.  I will never be able to repay them for their kindness and love.

I look at my Navy career.  From my first day in Boot Camp, I liked the Navy.  Why, because I belonged!  I was the same as everyone else and I had the same chance at promoting as anyone else.  It took hard work, dedication, and sacrifice.  When advancement tests were coming up, I studied 2 hours a day, 7 days a week, for 6 months before the test.  When I took the Navy wide test for Chief (E-7), I got the highest score possible; 80 out of 80!  I was one of the youngest Master Chiefs (E-9) ever in the Navy.  I was promoted to Master Chief Gunner's Mate at 14 years, 6 months of service.  I was the first Surface Warfare Qualified sailor on the west coast.  The first Master Training Specialist designated at Great Lakes in 1977!  I took the tough jobs and did the best I could.  I love the Navy.  It finished what my Mom and Dad started!

I met an LDO Boat's wain who was on the Insurv Board when I was a Gun Mount Tech Rep for NAVSEACENLANT.  He swore up and down that he knew me from back home.  Talked to me about it a number of times.   Then one day, her said he made a mistake.   would bet money he knew my brother Donald, and after talking to him, stepped away from me.  You know; "Step AWAY from the bastard!!"

I wish I did not drink as much alcohol as I did!    Bill Mowery's wife once told me;  I never knew you drank until I saw you sober!  Not a good testimony.  I wish I had half the money I wasted on booze!  Atleast I quit that habit.

I met and married a wonderful Christian woman who helped me deal with many of the demons that haunted me.  She lead me to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.  Taught me Bible.  Encouraged me to teach an lead in our many churches.  Then I me Pastor Fred Devan who took all the good my wife, other Pastors and a few Navy Chaplains had done and built a Pastor in me.  I remember when Fred told me I should preach!  But I did learn to Preach and I did a fairly competent job.  AT least no one got up and left during one of my sermons!  But, I know it is God using me, and not me being so good, when I preach God's word.  That is the most humbling part of working for the Lord.

I have other failings I will not discuss with anyone.  Things I am ashamed of and that only God knows about.  They are forgiven by God through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ!  But, much like pounding a nail in a wood barn door, and then taking the nail out.  It leaves a lasting mark!

I wish I was better at so man things.  I wish I appreciated what I had when I had it, instead of always chasing the next goal.  I never really enjoyed where I was at.  I was in too much of a hurry to get up the ladder.  Never really knowing where I was going too.  Now, with age and maturity, I can see I ran past many enjoyable experiences, missing them all together.  Why, because success was just around the corner.  Never knowing, I was already a success.

Much of what I lived my life for is being destroyed by today's Progressive movement.  Who I was and what I did is looked on as a wasted life.  Today, to be a success, you have to smoke pot, be in a homosexual relationship, and be on the government dole!  Sorry folks, none of that applies to me.

But, you know what hurts the most?  With the exception of my wife, no one really understands my pain or even cares that I have it.  As long as they don't have to meet me, or acknowledge me.  Their happy.  Even Sandi Share, my half sister who contacted me out of the blue, will not talk to me or agree to a meeting.

But, I guess I am still in a hurry to get somewhere.  In a hurry for this disease to progress.  Since I am such a "Black Sheep", the blessing of dementia will be a relief instead of a personal burden.  I know, when God calls me home, I will be in the presence of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.  Then I will really be where I am supposed to be.  And I will be with my Father in Heaven, and my Christian family.  Maybe, that is where I have been rushing to be, all along.  All I know is, this disease makes me live, mentally, in my past.  And while I think about the Navy most of the time.  Painful memories come to the forefront also.  Things that make me angry and regretful.  Writing this blog is my best therapy. But it is still difficult to be who I am.

Again, this blog is my therapy.  I do not write it to embarrass anyone.  I write it to get things off my chest and the burr our from under my saddle.  If I offend someone, Oh well!  It is MY blog and nothing I write is untrue. So, live with it.  Or better yet, contact me!  I would love to talk with you.


2 comments:

  1. Don, I am sending you hugs. You sound like you are going though the 7 stages of grief with a little LBD mixed in. A prayer is being sent to you.

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  2. My husband passed on November 22,2013. You are a blessing to me today!

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