Monday night, I went to bed at 6:30PM!! Why, because I felt myself getting angry and mean and I knew bed was the best place for me. I could escape to my mental safe place there. Quiet, dark, alone, and able to think about things that soothe me.
I have written before about sundowning. This has been a continuing issue for me. There are certain things that now upset me more than ever and when that happens, combined with the sundowning, the best place is bed. Yes, I could stay up and express my anger and frustration. But for what purpose? I will only anger my wife/care giver. And that is never good. I may have LBD but I am not stupid, at least not yet!
Where and when did I learn that bed was a safe place? When I was 12. It was Christmas eve, a particularly tense time in my life. All Christmas eves were tense and there was much sniping going on in the house, so, I went to bed at about 7 PM. I did not tell my Mom or Dad, I just went to bed! They missed me eventually, and even came up and checked on me. But, I was asleep, safe, in my own thoughts.
My wife still does not understand that I react more to things that bother me. For instance, money issues, or political issues. I would be much better off if I never watch a political news show again. As far as finances go, it would be better for me if that topic never came up. I have no control over finances, so why even tell me about where the money is going. My opinion does not matter now. So I sit in my recliner and boil slowly. My blood pressure rises as my anger increases. But I try very hard to hold my tongue and to keep quiet. Expressing my anger is counterproductive.
As you can see, just writing about these topics makes my blood boil. And I know that being angry only makes everyone around me tense, angry, and upset. I really don't want that for anyone. So, why won't others treat me that way? Maybe I am just too sensitive now. But, there is always the bedroom, my haven of darkness, quiet, and solitude. I go there often.
I have read on the LBDA website that others with LBD have this issue also. I am not alone. I only wish the people around me would do the research also. Then they would understand my issues and all of our lives would be smoother. Maybe I am just making water in the wind.