I spend much of my awake and sleeping time thinking and reminiscing about the past. And recently, those thoughts have turned towards the things that excited me. I spent 40 years of my life in or working for the Navy. In those early years, I was motivated to promote, accomplish qualifications, pass inspections, complete required training, deployments, transfers, choosing challenging duty assignments, and learning as much as I could about being a Sailor. Then I retired from the Uniformed Service and joined the Civil Service working for the Department of the Navy. Those years were filled with the same motivators. Nothing changed.
I also married during my Navy time and I was dedicated to caring for my Wife, homes, moves, raising my son, Church programs like AWANA, and getting a college education. Additionally, I was interested in competitive shooting, the NRA, The Friends of the NRA, and being a urban survivalist. I also followed politics, football, NASCAR, and Baseball! All of these things kept me going, kept my internal clock ticking, kept me interested in life.
But now, I cannot tell you what, if anything, motivates me, excites me, keeps my internal clock ticking. Yes, I have the time to do things but no desire and no one to do them with. Yes, I enjoy shooting, once I get there, But I have no desire to expend the energy to plan an outing. The things I spent so much time and money obtaining are now the things I am worried about safely storing and keeping from theft. They have become a burden not a pleasure. Actually, almost everything has become a burden and not a pleasure.
Even my belief that I could defend the home front from intruders and marauders is but a fantasy. Everything I cared about and work so hard for are now a burden at best and a source of fear and frustration for me. I hate to watch politics and get angry and depressed over the Socialist, Muslim centric direction our government is headed. So, I try not to watch.
The bottom line is, I feel useless, worn out, disconnected, and isolated most of the time. I try to rebound, act like I am feeling better, even act normal. But I am not and I do not know how to fix this. I am not attached to the world around me because I don't like it and I am mentally somewhere else. Maybe the move to our CCRC will help. It is a beautiful place and maybe I can make some new friends. We will have some things in common, old age!
Even my health has taken something away from me. I love to eat! I love bread, pies, cake, fruits, lasagna, pasta, beer, pizza, and everything else. But, since my body had issues processing all of those carbohydrates, and my blood sugar was high, I was directed by my GP to reduce my carbohydrate and sugar intake. I have, it worked, at least on my weight. Blood tests will show if my blood levels also agree with my weight loss later this year. But, I can never eat like I did before. Why, because all the good I have accomplished will go away!
This is not a new issue and I have written about it before. But it is getting more pronounced. Will these mental issues get better like my weigh and blood chemistry? I doubt it. I see the future and I don't like it. This is the first time I have openly said that I am not happy with my condition. Maybe that is good. But the recent changes have let me know the future and my inability to get excited about anything only reinforces what I already know. I have told you before, I don't want sympathy. Understanding yes, but no sympathy.
So, that's where I am right now. Maybe tomorrow will be different. Only time will tell.