Tuesday, October 8, 2013

What starts you clock?

I spend much of my awake and sleeping time thinking and reminiscing about the past.  And recently, those thoughts have turned towards the things that excited me.  I spent 40 years of my life in or working for the Navy.  In those early years, I was motivated to promote, accomplish qualifications, pass inspections, complete required training, deployments, transfers, choosing challenging duty assignments, and learning as much as I could about being a Sailor.  Then I retired from the Uniformed Service and joined the Civil Service working for the Department of the Navy.  Those years were filled with the same motivators.  Nothing changed.

I also married during my Navy time and I was dedicated to caring for my Wife, homes, moves, raising my son, Church programs like AWANA, and getting a college education.   Additionally, I was interested in competitive shooting, the NRA, The Friends of the NRA, and being a urban survivalist.   I also followed politics, football, NASCAR, and Baseball!  All of these things kept me going, kept my internal clock ticking, kept me interested in life.  

But now, I cannot tell you what, if anything, motivates me, excites me, keeps my internal clock ticking.  Yes, I have the time to do things but no desire and no one to do them with.  Yes, I enjoy shooting, once I get there,  But I have no desire to expend the energy to plan an outing.  The things I spent so much time and money obtaining are now the things I am worried about safely storing and keeping from theft.  They have become a burden not a pleasure.   Actually, almost everything has become a burden and not a pleasure.

Even my belief that I could defend the home front from intruders and marauders is but a fantasy.  Everything I cared about and work so hard for are now a burden at best and a source of fear and frustration for me.  I hate to watch politics and get angry and depressed over the Socialist, Muslim centric direction our government is headed.  So, I try not to watch.

The bottom line is, I feel useless, worn out, disconnected, and isolated most of the time.   I try to rebound, act like I am feeling better, even act normal.  But I am not and I do not know how to fix this.  I am not attached to the world around me because I don't like it and I am mentally somewhere else.  Maybe the move to our CCRC will help.  It is a beautiful place and maybe I can make some new friends.  We will have some things in common, old age!  

Even my health has taken something away from me.  I love to eat!  I love bread, pies, cake, fruits, lasagna, pasta, beer, pizza, and everything else.  But, since my body had issues processing all of those carbohydrates, and my blood sugar was high, I was directed by my GP to reduce my carbohydrate and sugar intake.  I have, it worked, at least on my weight.  Blood tests will show if my blood levels also agree with my weight loss later this year.  But, I can never eat like I did before.  Why, because all the good I have accomplished will go away!

This is not a new issue and I have written about it before.  But it is getting more pronounced.  Will these mental issues get better like my weigh and blood chemistry?  I doubt it.  I see the future and I don't like it.  This is the first time I have openly said that I am not happy with my condition.  Maybe that is good.  But the recent changes have let me know the future and my inability to get excited about anything only reinforces what I already know.  I have told you before, I don't want sympathy.  Understanding yes, but no sympathy.

So, that's where I am right now.  Maybe tomorrow will be different.  Only time will tell.

No comments:

Post a Comment