Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Nights are not my friend

I know I have written about "Sun Downing" before, but tonight I may have a better understanding of this condition that so many of us deal with.   Every night when the sun goes down, I feel trapped, alone, abandoned, encased, angry, and vulnerable.  I sit in my chair with a light glaring on me.  My dog by my side, I seldom move.  If I do move, it is just to go to the bathroom, get more coffee, or go to bed.   Once in bed, I tuck myself in tightly, my dog lays close to my side, and I try to go to sleep as quickly as possible.  If I do not go to sleep quickly, I start to have angry thoughts about the days activities, or about life.  Sleep is better.

I did not realize all the emotions that I experienced until tonight when my wife asked me; "Are you angry?"  The answer is no and yes.  I am not angry at Her, but yes, I am angry.  Angry at the other emotions that trap me.  I can only imagine the frustration and pain someone feels that has this issue and cannot express themselves.

My Father in Law had Alzheimer's in the late 1980's.  He died from Alzheimer's in 1991.  He was a deaf as a stone.  He spoke with a thick German accent and because of his deafness had problems communicating with people.  He never expressed his emotions or his experience with Alzheimer's.  He did escape to sleep as I do and slept for over 24 hours a couple of times that I witnessed.  He suffered and died because he could not tell us what he was experiencing.  Of course, there were not medicines like Namenda or Arecept in those days.  He was silent, alone, and isolated.  I now, at this minute,  understand.

Sun Downing is difficult to endure but at least I can tell others about my experience.  One other frustration.  I know that every night, when the sun goes down, I will experience this prison.  Unlike other LBD issues,  Sun Downing does not come and go, it happens every single day.  My own terror that never misses it's appointment.

So that's it.  Personal reflection has lead me to begin to understand how Sun Downing effects me.  I hope this helps others.

1 comment:

  1. Hi! Thank you for sharing your experience with Lewy Body dementia. Reading your post provided great insight of what it’s actually like to cope with this condition.

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