As I wrote last, we had an appointment with a new Neurologist this week. It was a good experience and I am encouraged that he will be good for us. But, as we briefed him on my disease and how it manifested itself, I saw the grief and pain in my Wife's face. This was the first time I ever noticed her pain. She seemed to actually recoil at each description of a symptom as if she was actually experiencing that issue herself.
My Wife loves me! I have always known that. But, I never realized how deeply me having LBD has hurt her. She is in pain over my problems. She hides it well and when I told her about what I observed, she brushed me off. She IS a tough person! Many Navy deployments and workups has forged her in the crucible of stress and loneliness. But this is a new and unexpected villain that neither of us expected and were not prepared for. We are well into this journey yet I never really saw her grief before. It brings a much different prospective to me.
As the one wit the disease, I focus on how it impacts and effects me. But those negative things are actually harder for her to deal with than for me. I know that now. But, what do I do?
I have been told two things that impacted me. First was from my neurologist in Virginia. She told me that I had not dealt with my disease mentally. I disagreed with her then, but I now totally agree and I am trying to address that issue. Second, I was told that this disease is not all about me. I know that is true now. LBD effects the caregiver more than I understood and I am sorry that I did not understand that before now.
Still, I don't have an answer as to how I can change this. But I intend to be more attentive to Her feelings and emotions. My LBD does effect Her and I must understand that.