Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Internal conflict!

There are two conflicting thoughts that constantly go on in my mind.  This conflict has been gaining strength for a while.  How long, I don't actually know.  The first train of thought is an old one.  For many years, I have wanted to be independent, a survivalist, or as they are now called, a prepper.  I wanted to live on 40 or so acres, in a concrete house, with a under ground bunker.  Self sustained including making my own electricity.  Alone, just my wife and I.  No television, telephone, cell phone, computer, no connection to the world.  Independent, self sufficient, secure!  I have written about this dream before.

Then there is the thought of living in a Continuing Care Facility that is able to deal with all of my needs.  Meals, apartment cleaning, medications, exercise, entertainment, transportation, medical needs, everything.

Now you can see the conflict!  These two thoughts are diametrically opposed to each other!  We have looked at facilities like the one I describe.  Again, I have written about these trips before.  But every night, I experience this conflict of indecision in my mind.  It is exhausting to say the least and my Wife is tired of the discussion and I understand that.

Of course, there is also the possibility of staying exactly where we are,  It is a beautiful home, easy to care for, and very economical to live in.  My Wife has a very good plan to provide for my needs as this disease progresses.  We have wonderful health insurance, long term care insurance, and a home that would easily accommodate any medical needs.

When I was in the Navy, I used a mental exercise to deal with the time I was deployed away from my family.   I used to look ahead, project myself mental, to the end of the deployment.  I would think about what we would do, together, when I returned.  I would NOT think about the events of the cruise when I relaxed.  Doing this, relieved the stress of being away and made the separation bearable.  It worked for me, so don't knock it.

However, now, I am trying to do the same thing with my disease.  But the many thoughts that reside in my keep colliding into each other!   So, I will continue to sort this thing out and stop the Internal Conflict.  The problem is, my disease has robbed me of the ability to make decisions.  So, the fight continues.

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