Friday, February 1, 2013

Things I will not tell

There are things that happen in my mind and in my life, that are different, shocking, even frightening, that I work through, deal with, and dismiss.  That means I don't tell my wife or anyone else.  Why, because I am afraid to reveal the progress of my disease and maybe because I hope the event is just a one time event.   It's true.  The first time something happens, it is interesting and it may be an anomaly.  If it happens a second time and a third time, it is probably, most likely, a new indicator my LBD is progressing.

For instance, when we turn off the lights to go to bed, our room is dark.  Pitch black dark!  And that darkness disorients me in various ways.  I run through a checklist at this time every night.  Where is the door to the bathroom, where is the exit door, where am I?  Lately, I have had some difficulty answering these questions!  It is a new problem and I have discussed it with my wife.

Management of our email is another issue.  I normally read the email and let my wife know if she has any action items.  A few days ago, I lost control of this process.  Seems hard to understand but I was afraid to tell he about some emails she had action due on.  It came to a head and I confessed my fright.   It was difficult to do and I was somewhat embarrassed, but, it was good to get out in the open.  But it was good.

Why is there reticence to bring these things out in the open?  I believe it is difficult for me to admit that I am having difficulties dealing with my disease.  A new neurologist in the practice back in Virginia Beach told me I had not yet dealt with my disease.  I now admit that she is right!   But I am trying.


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