Sunday, December 23, 2012

Yesterday, I cried!!

For a long time, I had been unable to cry.  I don't know why, but crying just would not happen.  Recently, I have found myself crying about things that surprise me.  Yesterday, I looked at a Christmas ornament that has been with me since I was a very little boy.  It is a little elf that was a package decoration.  Every year, it was on one of my presents.  Then, it became a traditional tree decoration.  My Mother gave it to me when Linda and I were married and we have placed it on our Christmas tree for the last 39 years!  

Yesterday, I was looking at the tree and burst into tears!  I looked at the elf and realized he was the model for the "Elf Story" that is popular with small children today.  For some reason, that little elf brought forth a flood of emotions, missing my Mother, My Mom and Dad, remembering my youth, friends, the hurts, and the happiness.  I was also overwhelmed with the deepening feeling of my own demise.  

Now that topic has never been a topic of thought for me.  Even as a Navy Gunner's Mate, as dangerous as that profession was, did I ever think of death.  Lately however, the thought of death seeps into my mind.  As I have said before, my neurologist in Virginia Beach told me I had not yet come to terms with this disease.  That was over a year ago and now I am beginning to address the outcome of LBD.   I guess I am a slow starter! 

Now don't get me wrong, it actually feels good to cry.  To be able to release the emotions that build up is a relief, not a problem.  So, I am glad this has come to me.  I am also beginning to look at life from a different prospective.   I always knew that I would die, someday.  Everyone know that.  But, in my mind, that day was an eternity away!  Now, I know that it is not.  I am beginning to enjoy life more.  For instance, Christmas!   I always dreaded Christmas.  I had some very difficult memories of Christmas from my youth and the entire hustle and bustle of Christmas was just overwhelming to me.  I resisted putting up the Christmas tree and really resisted putting up out door lights.  Now, I want the tree up as early as possible and I have my front yard as a witness to the birth of Christ with a very large, lighted, Manger scene.   I have lights along the roof of the house and I have plans for even more lights and a camel and donkey in the front yard for next year!!

So, crying is a positive thing for me and I believe I am beginning to realistically deal with Lewy Body Dementia.   More to come.

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