Thursday, November 29, 2012

I wonder?!

I wonder where I would be, how much further down the road of memory loss, if my Neurologist in Virginia, Dr. Mary Bowles, had not been so aggressive in my diagnosis and treatment.  She got me on Arecept and Namenda much earlier than other doctors would have.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Life of Pi

Today, we went and watched the movie, "The Life of Pi".  Now I have been told by a number of people, including my neurologist in Norfolk, that I had not yet dealt with my disease.  My view was, baloney.  Well, I learned tonight that they were right!   Watching the "Life of Pi" I broke down and cried!   Now, I have not cried in years, but tonight I fell apart.  Now, I need to look at why I broke down.

This is a really tough issue for me and it goes back to the circumstances of my birth and everything after that.  I have a lot to face and I will need help.  But, at least I am starting to deal with the reality of my condition.

Monday, November 26, 2012

OK, I am back, but bruised!

My friends, after three weeks I have decided to leave my self imposed prison and begin to communicate to you, my LBD family.  The results of the election were more than I could handle and I could not find a way to express my anger and disgust.  I now accept the fact that the GOD of the universe is in charge and HIS will IS being done!  It truly does not matter what I want or think!  HIS will is going to be done.  That being said, I will try to put the pieces of what's left of my emotions back together.

LBD updates;  I find it more and more difficult to deal with controversy and disagreement.  I cannot express myself effectively and my "Fight or Flight" emotion takes over.  To date, I can control that emotion.  I fear that someday I will not be able to.  I remember my "easy going" Father in Law getting into a fist fight at the nursing home once or twice when he had Alzheimer's.  I was very surprised then, but no so now.

I also have difficulties dealing with commitments on my time.  While I want to be involved in organizations I recoil at any demand on my time through scheduled, meaningless, social, meetings.  My view is, if we have something to do, let's do it.  If not, leave me alone.  On second thought, just leave me alone anyway.  I enjoy time with my wife and family without encumbrances from any outside group.  I guess I am becoming a recluse.

Any confrontation is too much for me.  Recently we had issues with out cable company.  I called them, probably not the best idea,  and they told me tough luck.  My view was, OK, I quit!   We have changed out service for Internet, cable, and telephone, to a different company at a lower rate with better service.  But I hope they don't forget customer service because they are the only other choice!  Again, that "Fight or Flight" issue.  Interesting!

Another issue is making decisions.  I can't seem to make a decision on anything.  My wife knows how to deal this issue.  She suggests one or two things like meals out, places to go, or activities, and then directs me to a solution.   I know she does this and I am fine with it.  If I have to make the choice, we will never go any where or eat any thing.

My body does not work like it used too.  I have become accustomed to my alternating bouts of constipation and diarrhea.   I also understand my issues with aspirating when I eat.  Now, I have to dal with biting my lip when I eat!   My left, lower, lip just began getting between my teeth when I eat or even chew gum!  Ouch!  I am sure this is something the neurologic tells me he was expecting, just like punching my wife in my sleep.  I a sure there is more exciting issues to come.

My wife drives more and I use my cane more.  She should probably drive all the time and I should use my cane all the time.  But I go at this in stages.  I still try to be the master of this relentless disease. I refuse to give up without a fight!

Well, it is good to be back in communications with all of you.  There will be more to follow.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

The emotions of disappointment

If you are a regular reader of mine, you will have been through my recent posts about my extreme disappointment over the election.  I am a patriot and I am a Constitutionalist.  I took and administered the Oath that Enlisted personnel take to join or re-enlist in the Navy and all the Military Branches.   That Oath says: "I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States, against all enemies, foreign and domestic.  And I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same."  I take that Oath very seriously and when I see our nation taking a path that is against that Oath, I get emotional.  Obviously!

But the shocking fact is that my wife and I have seen how the LBD has impacted my ability to deal with disappointment.   I am still very shook, very confused about my feelings and very angry.   And, except for my wife, my son, and my best friend Jerry,  no one has tried to contact me, help me deal with this shock, or even reacted to my posts!  That makes me realize that I am very much alone, with the exception of the afore mentioned loved ones, in my journey.  I am a burden to those who now regret knowing me.  People with long term, terminal, diseases are looked upon by the "Healthy Normal, community" as a burden to be suffered, occasionally.  No!!   How many times did you visit your Grandparents in the nursing home or hospital?  How about your elderly parents?  A friend who is sufferinf from a long term illness?  I thought so!

So, when I express my shock and horror about the election results, everyone, except the afore mentioned loved ones, ignored me.  It's almost like you are saying; "Please stop taking your meds!" or; "I agree with your decision to stop taking your meds!"  Maybe not, but that is how I see it.  But it is OK, I am doing better thanks to my wife, son, and Jerry.  I am still not 100%, but I am better.

So, stop worrying about me.  Oh, I forgot, you weren't.

OK, I am better.

OK, after a fitful night's sleep and some great counseling from my wife, I am convinced that I will continue to take my meds.  I have a neew goal for life;  I want to live long enough to be a burden to society!

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

I give up.

 Based on the results of this General Election and the fact that America is now a Socialist Nation, I no longer desire to live.  The things I held dear are now gone.  My life's goals, efforts, and plans are dead.  I have made the decision to no longer take any of my medicines and to no longer accept any medical help.  It is my right and I am claiming that right.

This is the last post on this blog.  I have no more to say.  Good bye.