My recent denial for admission to the Armed Forces Retirement Home was difficult to take. I was really looking forward to living my life out with some shipmates. Having people round you that have shared experiences helps, I believe. But, after discussing this decision with my wife, it may be a good thing too. Especially since we could not live together there. Visits overnight yes, full time living, no.
But I have been having difficulty with how I feel for the last week or so. My wife says I am more depressed, and that may be. But, we discussed my feelings tonight and a few things came out. First of all, people act like I have a disease that THEY will catch!! Alzheimer's, Lewy Body Dementia, Dementia, Depression, OLD, are NOT contagious!! As a matter of fact, IF OLD is contagious, I would think everyone would want to catch it! It seems everyone wants to live forever. Not me, but the health industry is based on keeping people alive and looking good, forever. Trust me, after a face life, hair dye, and liposuction, you still look old!! Preserved, but old!
Second, no one seems to want me as a volunteer. I volunteered twice to hold at risk babies at the hospital. The USS Alabama finally returned my call after three attempts. But, they only want me to work on week days and my ride is only available on week ends. So, that may be an issue.
I continue to have difficulty finding an active ministry to utilize my GOD given talents. There is a Church that wants to establish an AWANA program, but they are slow to react. Like anyother organization they want fast results but they have not done the required up front work. And, they have not listened to us yet.
Gideon's is far to removed from active ministry for me. They serve a great purpose, but it is not my style.
Other things have had a negative impact on my psyche. For instance, I just learned about an abortion technique called "Live Birth Abortion". It has depressed and upset me more than anything happening to me. Check this abomination out on line!! You will be upset too.
My country is falling apart and I can't do anything about it. Because of my disease, I am unable to be an active participant in life. This frustrates me and probably does not help my depression. I used to get extremely angry and agitated over things like this. I would scream at the television, get angry, tell others about what angered me, and in general stir up a lot of dust. Now, I just sit and shake my head.
So, all of this, combines, is effecting me. Depression, probably. But it is more like surrendering to the way things are now. As much as I would like to fix the things that I see as wrong, I know I cannot. And for me, that is an overwhelming issue.