Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Changes in my life.

Life always continues to change.  In the Navy, we had a saying;  "The only constant is CHANGE, and the rate of that is variable!"  That was certainly true before my Lewy Body diagnosis and it has only accelerated more as of late.

We moved to the Pensacola Florida area last October specifically to be close to my son and his family.  We had lived 600 miles apart for eight years.  Because of job moves, they lived in up state New York and we were in Virginia Beach, Virginia.   When they moved to the Pensacola area, we visited to check out their new home and as a family, we had a discussion about living close again.  My on wanted to take a daily part in my journey and Linda and I welcomed that.  So, we moved Florida.  That move came with many issues and emotional problems that I deal with even now, a year later.  I miss the Tidewater area of Virginia.  We lived there for over 30 years and it is home to me.  But, it is comforting to be close to my son and his family.  They are there to help us and that is a blessing.

One of the most emotional and difficult parts of this move has been leaving my friends and my Church family.  My Church, Grace Community Church, Virginia Beach, is a loving, Bible centered Church.  It is small in size but BIG in service.  I liked to call our Church a Hugging and Eating Church because we hugged everyone and had some great meals together.   My Pastor helped me grow spiritually and personally.  He encouraged me to preach GOD's word and my Church family bestowed upon me the honor of Ordination.   That singularly was the greatest honor ever given to me.  Greater than anything I did in the Navy, as a Civil Servant, or as a human.  Serving GOD, Preaching and Teaching HIS word is the greatest honor anyone can have.  I miss my Church, the fellowship, the spiritual support, and being an Associate Pastor to that great group of people more than anything.

We have search for a new Church home, but finding what we had at Grace is difficult if not impossible.  Yes, we will find a new Church Home but I will never find a new HOME Church!   And that emotional void hurts.

So, this issue becomes one of my LBD issues.   While living in Florida has it's positives,  there has been some emotional issues that have been difficult to deal with and have left me feeling empty and lost.  Long distance relationships are always difficult.  Being with people is always better than talking to people.   Our best friends, Jerry and Marcia have paid us a visit and that was wonderful.  Now, if I could only get them to move to Florida.   Maybe I should try to establish a Grace Brethren Church in Gulf Breeze!  But honestly, I am not physically or mentally equipped to accomplish that.  Yes, I know I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me, bt I have not been given any spiritual direction to undertake this endeavor.  So, I continue to try to make a connection with a local Ministry that I can work in and there is some movement to establish an AWANA program at a local Church.  The Pastor there is personal, energetic, and interested in reaching people for the Lord.  So, I may be back in AWANA again and that would be great.  Only time will tell.

I present this issue to you to further illustrate how difficult it is to disrupt the routine of an individual with any Dementia.  Yes, I am only at Phase II or III but it still has caused me emotional and mental distress.    I also write this to be completely honest and open about this journey.

I have noticed that I am more emotional, less thick skinned, and easily hurt over statements made too me and emotions that would have been brushed off in a day gone by.  Not, I am easily upset, angered, and emotionally injured easily and I find it more difficult to heal. I dwell on issues and things of the past.  Things I have down wrong and things done wrong to me.  Yes, all sins confessed to GOD and buried in the deepest ocean with a "No Fishing" sign posted!  but, I am now weakened and vulnerable. And I now strike out over that hurt.  Verbally or by withdrawing from the situation but still my way of getting back at the individual or the situation.  I beat myself up over these things and sometime I find relief.  But that relief is getting hard to find....

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