Friday, June 15, 2012

Anger, revisited

I have written about anger, especially my anger, in the past.   I wrote about the time I lost my temper, BIG, at our previous apartments.  NO, we DID NOT move to Florida at the request of the apartment management! (ha ha)  Just the same, anger out of frustration and self pity is a problem.

Now there is a revealing statement.  I am frustrated over the way I am treated by the medical world, the Veterans Administration, other people.  It frustrates me when people who do not know me and have no reference point as to where I was mentally or physically, tell me, I am fine or that I don't appear to be sick!  I do have a diminished self because I cannot do or remember the things I used to.  I feel less of a man because I fall of ladders, get exhausted mowing a small yard, or get completely incoherent in a store.

But most of all, I hurt, mentally, inside, continuously.  Some of the medical professionals call this depression, but that is not it.   It is more like self loathing.  An I angry, yes.  Do I show it outwardly, no.  Why, it is just not a good idea.  So, I hold my anger inside, control it, subdue it.  I have told you before, for some reason, I cannot cry.  I have had that issue since just before my diagnosis.  I believe it is related to LBD just like acting out my dreams is.

Another issue is communicating with others.  I find it increasingly difficult to discuss my symptoms and their progression with anyone.  The doctors don't care and others just glaze over and ignore me.  Some want to tell me they have the same symptoms!  That really aggravates me!  If you have these issues, go through the pain of getting a diagnosis of your own.  Other wise, quit diminishing my disease by telling me my symptoms are no worse that yours and you are normal!  I am not normal, I have Lewy Body Dementia, and I am tired of having to prove it all the time.

Since I was a small boy, I have known I was color blind.  Not totally, just what they call a color deficiency.  Every time I would tell some one that, they would give me a color test!  "What color is my shirt?"  They did not believe I was color blind even though the medical community said I was.  Their opinion was, you can walk, talk, function in society, you CAN'T be color blind!  It's the same invisibility I suffer with LBD!

However, my anger must be controlled for my well being and the well being of my wife.  Sh has been the one true supporter and cheerleader through all this.  Regardless of how the medical professionals treat me of better yet, ignore me, I must remain in control.  SO, since you are my only support group; is this an issue with any of you or those you care for?


  1. Thank you for all of the work you put into your blog. Your blog is as close as I come to knowing another person with LBD so I am interested in your experiiences. For me, the elimination of sugar from my diet pretty much keeps my anger in check. And since my wife would be the closest one to experience my anger she has made sure I abide by the no sugar rule. I do not know if this would help you but wanted to pass it along.

    After getting the LBD diagnosis a year ago i made it out of the hospital before finding a bench to sit on and crying uncontrollably. I had wanted only to be told dementia was not in the picture. My mother died 4 years ago with alzheimers aanad I wanted to be spared anything like that. I cry easilly if I can not remember the steps in a process such as making coffee or after doing a series of things wrong in a row. I believe the meds or the LBD or both are affecting me in the opposite way you are affected. My last and probably final trip to Disneyland IL couldl take the sandwiched ilnn feeling of people all aroound in the "happiest place onn earth" and ended up crying there. Crowded stores are also a problem.

    I agree with yoou that caring medical personnel are important and am fortunate to havae a caring neurologist and general practitioner. Even though they have bluntly toldl us there is no curing the situation they both offer comfort aand suggestions and are watching the meds closely. I sincerelyl lhope this situationn improves for you.

    I appreciated hearing about your driving status. I suppose driving has caused the most anger in my experience because I had to give it up a year ago. I was experiencing coonfusion at signals,hallucinating that oncoming cars were changing colors, but most importantly, as the driver or the passenger just sitting in the seat of the car brings on massive yawning inn less than a mile from leaving home. By massive I mean full body tremors with mouth wide-openn and eyes closed for at least five seconds. Seeing as how I am the responsible party for that five seconds of not watching traffic I agreed to forgo something that I enjoyed all my life.I oke that I get six yawns per mile and this is uncontrollable. This has increased the responsibility on my wife immensely but it is the ssafest thing for us. Some day I will get over this anger.

    Looking forward to your next entry.
    Thank you Silverfox.

  2. Besides Lewy Body, Hubby also has PTSD. Anger issues have been a major part of our lives and FINALLY after years of trial and error he was started on Depakote and it made a positive change in his ability to control his anger.

    Lately however these issues are becoming more commonplace and I suspect that it is from Hubby's frustrations with his situation. He is much farther along in his diagnosis of Lewy.

    We are scheduled to have a depakote level taken in a couple of weeks when he see's his PCP.
    I'm hoping it's an "easy" fix for him as my prayer for him has been that he always know he is safe and is loved.