Saturday, April 7, 2012

Feelings

I realize more than anyone what I am going through with my LBD and the other medical issues that have came along like my Hypothyroidism, a little bit of asthma and allergies, hearing loss from my Navy days, a constant ringing in my ears from the Navy, my skin condition from the hydraulic fluid in the Navy and other minor issues.  I am not complaining, just stating the facts as they are.

I am also still dealing with the emotions of having a degenerative neurological disease.  I have not fully dealt with this issue, as my past neurologist informed me and I am in agreement, finally.  I am also dealing with the emotional shock of moving from Virginia Beach to Florida.  Not that I don't like being with my family.  I do!  But I am away from everything I was used to!  All my friends, the Navy, my Church family, my Church duties, and all that I knew for almost 30 years.  I can't get anywhere here.  I am lost when I leave the house, just near.  And I have not found a friend in the six months I have been here.  No Navy friends to talk too, no shooting friends, and no where to shoot!  Hell,  might as well take up knitting!

I always read the obituaries from the Tidewater area.  Last week, the second Admiral that I worked for at SURFLANT passed away.  He was 80.  Admiral Donnell lived a full life but his death still hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was thinking about calling him recently.  I wish I had.  We had been in contact through my Civil Service career after we both left the Navy.  He was always supportive of me and I appreciated him.

Of late, I have been feeling like something has been taken from me.  I have a sense of loss.  I feel like I am drained and without energy and interest.  This overwhelming emotion is beginning to consume me.  Yes, my Wife and I go places.  Any where she wants to!  Truthfully, if she did not want to go out, I would stay home!  There is no where I want to go.

Today, my Grandson and his friend mowed my lawn.  My Grandson's and Son and Daughter in Law are always helping me.  I got to take a couple of turns on the riding mower, but they did the majority of the work including the trimming.  My wife makes sure I don't do too much or get over tired.  She follows Doctor Dowdy's instructions to me.

After the boys were done, we took them back to the house and we had a moment to visit with my Daughter in law who has recently had a heart attack.  She is doing well but is still dealing with the recovery process.  Of course, this event came as a total shock to me and has served to add to my emotional state.

The bottom line is, I put on a brave face, stand tall, and act tough.  But on the inside I m falling apart.  When I am alone with my thoughts, I suffer from this overwhelming feeling of loss and despair.  I used to make it through cruises by projecting my thoughts to the end of the cruise.  In doing this, the events of the day, the stress of doing my job on a Navy ship, seemed to speed by.  Now, I cannot do this.  There is no "End of the Cruise" and my "Home Coming" will be when I go home to be with the Lord!

2 comments:

  1. Thinking of you and hoping you and your wife are doing o.k. Blessings, Janice in San Diego

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  2. I don't know you and came across your blog because I was searching for information on Admiral Donnell. But I wanted to tell you that I hope you are able to figure out how to cope with all that is on your plate. It sounds really tough, but you also sound really tough :-) It also sounds like you have a caring family to help you and a good faith to guide you. Hang in there my friend. Thank you for your service to our country and know that there are more people out there than you know praying for your good health, comfort, and happiness.

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