Saturday, January 7, 2012

Things you don't want to tell people

Since we were small children, there were things we did not want to tell someone.  For instance, when Mom asked; "Who broke this vase?!" or, "What did you do now?!".  Of course, there is always the awkward time when your date had broccoli in her teeth.  And we want to have to tell our loved ones bad news.  There are all sorts of stories about men who lost their job, but kept going through the motions because they could not bear to tell their wife the bad news.   I have reached that point in the progress of my disease.  There are just more negative issues than good ones.

For instance, my major muscles ache most of the time from the "push and pull" muscles fighting each other.  The pain is not excruciating, but it is constant and building.   Because of this near constant pain, I don't feel like taking big walks, doing exercise, or anything else that makes the muscles work too much.  Not to mention that I have very little energy an even less desire to do much of anything.

I have a cold that my family is sharing.  That happens, but every time I get a cold I get bronchitis!   Coughing the phlem out of my chest is very difficult.  So, early in this and every cold, I use Mucenix D.  It works, sort of.  But, I really can't keep track of the doses of medicine and today, my wife determined that I may have taken a different med that is a 24 hour type.  Since we really don't know what I took, I cannot take anything!  It is going to be a tough night, without breathing!  So, now I cannot manage even my cold meds.   More loss of control for me.

Again, things are ganging up on me and it is becoming an issue.  My wife was talking in the car today about the effect of Medicare and Tricare for Life on our health care costs.  She was talking about an issue that is five years from now for me and I told her; "I really can't see five years from now."  I used to have fairly good forward thought and planning but now, tomorrow is long range planning.

Of course, I don't want to tell my family about these issues, they already have their emotional plates full.  And I know their defense point is that I will be as good as I was yesterday, forever, but you, I, and they know that is not the reality of the future. Again, I know that is hard to face.  So, I just don't say much.  Of course, when I don't want to do what they think I should, they think I am being obstinent or uncooperative.  The truth is, I just can't walk four miles, paddle a canoe against the current, or most other things that I used to do.  I am even deferring to my wife for the driving duties.  That is difficult for me since I like to drive and have always believed it is the man's job to do the majority of the family driving.   But, it is time to let her do more driving.  So, I guess I have now told everyone where I am and that is one of the purposes of this blog.  But, it is still difficult and painful for me, a macho Alpha Male, to admit I am not what I used to be, and that no amount of exercise, therapy, or medicines will restore me to my previous status.  And that is the hardest thing for me to tell them, especially my wife.  She has always treated me as her hero and now her Superman is wearing a kryptonite suit.

1 comment:

  1. I want to thank you for sharing your journey through this. You are helping me more than you know. My Dear Husband has been dx with dementia in Aug. 2007. After a neuro psych test this year we were told not to rule out Lewy Body. When you speak of being so hot, that is his main complaint. Every dr. he goes to he brings this up and no one knows what is causing this intense heat. He can no longer play golf (his passion) because of the heat. He will be sweating in a few minutes of being out there. Also, his legs hurt so much when he tries to do his walking. I have to think those are symptoms of LB. Thank you for sharing this. It helps so much. We wish you well and hugs to you.