Thursday, December 15, 2011

Where do I go from here?

This posting will upset those close to me and I am not writing it to evoke that emotion.  However, I need to record what I am feeling, my reactions, and my emotions.  I must be totally honest for my own well being.

The move to Florida has had it's benefits and issues.  I did not realize how much I liked having the Grandsons, my son and daughter-in-law so close.  We have had a number of family meals, outings and talks, that would not have happened if we lived in Virginia.  We have more planned.  Another positive is, this year, I am enjoying Christmas!  I wanted a big Christmas tree.  I put it up without prompting and even decorated it.  That is different for me.  I am getting more acclimated to the area and even drove back from the commissary today, without the GPS!  I did not get lost once.  So, all these things are positives.

However, my mental acuity, my desire to stay home,  my moodiness, depression and difficulty with nights has become more of an issue.  I continually have issues with noises at night and I have problems getting to sleep at night.  I do not feel, in my mind, that Florida is my home, even though I like this house.  My emotions tell me this is a nice place to visit, now let's go home.  But, my mind tells me, my stuff is here, so this must be home.  I am in conflict.   I spend more time thinking about the past, my parents, my Navy career, old shipmates, school friends.  I look up old friends through computer searches, but I don't contact them because I fear rejection.  I am secure in my home, and frightened otherwise.  It all wears on me.

Another frustration of LBD is the continual "on and off" of this disease.  I have had times that I felt there was nothing wrong with me, and other times, I feel so out of it, that I don't know how to take my next step.  I got a haircut today, and for a while, I was really not in the chair.  I could not figure out how my hair got so long.  After the haircut, I sat on the bench waiting for my wife.  I could have been anywhere.  Florida, Virginia, Ohio, California, anywhere.  Then my wife showed up and I was back "on".  That is very frustrating to me.  I had another thing to write, but it is now, not in my mind.  Another frustration.

So, "Where do I go from here?" is really the question.  My logical mind says; "This is home now."  My LBD mind says;  "Where do I go from here?"

1 comment:

  1. I appreciate you sharing this.

    Although Hubby has never said what his feelings like this are , his actions speak very clearly.
    I believe that disconnected feeling is just part of the disease.
    The desire to "go" is strong for him and we have lived here in this home for 16 yrs.
    From what I have researched this is fairly common. So I really believe that Virginia, Florida or Timbuckto you will still feel like you aren't home.

    He also struggles with thoughts of long ago times. Happy simpler times when there was no illness. Maybe that is what he desires to "Go" to.

    What a joy that you are spending precious time with your family. I know they are reaping the benefits also :)

    Please continue to share your feelings.
    Those close to you may appreciate it as much or more than I do.

    praying for you all :)