Sunday, December 4, 2011

It's not what you say. It's how I perceive it!

My last visit to the neurologist in Virginia was to  a new neurologist at the recommendation of my neurologist.  The new doctor was young, newly educated, and more up to date on LBD.  She was wonderful, not bashful, and not affraid to say things that shocked me.  St told me that I had not yet come to terms with my disease.  I openly disagreed with her and she said I was full of, you know what!  Now I know she was right.  Her forcefulness made me think, and I have been since that day.  I have known in my mind, that I was sick for a while, but I never really accepted the fact that I was sick and I was not going to get better.  I have been doing OK, some ups and more downs, yet I always fooled myself that I would be OK in the end.  Now, I am beginning to digest the facts that this is as good as I will ever be and I am going to get progressively worse until I die.  Now that is the reality of my condition.  Again, I have addressed that fact in theory, but not as a actuality in my life.  I have written that I have the ability to look at my disease as if I was out of my body, looking at what was happening to me in a subjective manner.  Now, I am actually experiencing the problems live!  She really shocked me into looking at the realit of my condition.

That brings me to another related issue.  My emotions are raw and I am sensitive about anything directed at me.  When my wife asks me a question about something I have done, I automatically think I am being disciplined!  I react as the child who was caught!  Today, I addressed that with my wife and she understood my emotional position.  She is good about listening to me and trying to understand my needs.  So, much like how I reacted to the neurologist, I react in a defensive manner whenever I feel challenged, disciplined, or corrected, by anyone.  That's is just the fact of where I am.   And, since I now am getting better at accepting the reality of my condition, I can tell you, it will not get better.

So, like the title, it's not what you say, it's how I perceive what you say.  If I get defensive, you will have to look at what you said through my eyes.  That's called compassion.  And that is what I need.

No comments:

Post a Comment