Sunday, November 13, 2011

Learning new things.

I have always been a person who learns from watching.  Yes, I HAD almost total recall of all that I read, heard, and saw.  It served me very well through out my technical career.  Now, my memory is diminishing at an alarming rate.  A least, an alarming rate to me.  But I still try to observe the reaction, people close to me have over issues I have or cause.  For instance, some people close to me react in a very interesting way to my postings.  I write, what I believe, are insightful, honest, reflections of my emotions and symptoms as I progress through LBD.  I do this as therapy for me and to record this journey for who ever wanted to know what I went through.   Some folks choose to get upset and react in ways that are emotional instead of just taking what I say as a statement of fact.  I know they worry and love me.  But, I still need to have the latitude to be honest and open.

Another, issue is that some people get angry with me when I have done my honest best to remember things and accomplish tasks, and yet have not measured up to their expected level for me.  Some folks close to me continue to hold me to the standard I once met easily, but now can't ever hope to reach again.  I can understand their frustration.  Heck, I am frustrated!  But, they must understand that I am not being the way I am on purpose!  I cannot be held accountable for the way my brain works.  It is a disease, a chemical deficiency and brain function failure that causes me to be the way I am.

I began this post some days or weeks ago and set it in the "Draft" section until tonight.  Why, because I did not want to hurt any one's feelings   Today, I helped my wife make dinner for our friends and family.  One of my jobs was to bake the ham.  I followed the instructions on the ham wrapper to the letter.  About 45 minutes after I placed the ham in the Nesco roaster, I noticed a faint haze of smoke coming from the roaster.  I thought it was fat burning off, but I went to check.  That is when I found out the ham had two wrappers on it!  The outer wrapper which I carefully removed, as instructed on the wrapper.  They did not tell me there was another thin, wrapper around the ham, and I just did not notice.  I would have before LBD, but evidently not now.  It came off easily after being heated to 325 degrees!  No harm, the ham was very good and no one got sick.  But, this is another example of me not being capable of meeting expectations.  This is also the first I have said anything about my mistake.  Why, pride, sensitivity, shame, self-anger, I guess.  I hate not being able to be depended on.  That may be the one thing that hurts the most.

1 comment:

  1. I love what you write in this blog, and appreciate the brutal honesty that shows when you write... Part of me can be detached and observe, both through your writings and in person, the progression of your disease, and it's impact on you. The other part of me loves you like crazy, and aches with every step down this journey. But I will be there with you on it. And if I have said something that would make you think twice before posting, something that would interfere with the honest nature of this blog, give me a Gibbs smack to the back of your head when you see me!